suzefricker@mylifeaccordingtome.org Available all the time, just send me an email and I will get back to you.

A week of crazy

So this week coming I have a lot to do and unfortunately I will be working from home the whole week. It can be a good thing but it can also be a bad thing. Luckily I will be seeing my support worker tomorrow and I will be on a training course as well on Thursday.

Happy days.

My holiday really has imprinted on me my need for self-care so I am doing more to support myself and help get myself more independent. This includes getting a shopping trolly so that I can go to Sainsburys when I need to and not wait for online orders for everything. It also means I am getting a 4 wheeled laptop bag so I do not have to carry much on my back to avoid extra pain. Lastly, I am going to start using buses more and fewer tubes which means that I will be walking more in between as well..

Clearly, my holiday has empowered me to do more and try and claw back some independence.

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You never know….

You never know how run down you have gotten until you actually stop and take some time for yourself. This is something that I have learnt the hard way. I was soo low before I went on holiday. Even with some of the people who I was penpalling with all I could write about was my up coming trip. This is not a good sign for anyone. When you are that run down you have pushed your body to beyond the limits you should have… It doesn’t help with your mental health or your physical health.

You must always remember that you are important and no matter how much good you do for others, you will never be able to continue if you run out of energy or steam.

For people with disabilities, we all know that we have the added pressures of managing our disabilities as well as everything else that we do and so it is important to know what your limits are. If you want to try and push beyond the limits to do it in a way that you are not going to hurt yourself.

I emplore everyone to make sure that they make time for themselves as often as they can. You do not need to be left in a position where you are unable to continue. Look after yourself and then you will be able to look after others x

New Holiday and New Me

Since coming back from my holiday I have been covered in holiday energy. My Wellbeing has been massively improved. My self-care is improved and I have had the energy to do everything including cleaning my room, showing every day and even moving around. honestly if you are feeling run down, find somewhere to go and go on holiday.

Why?

Why are you so open, it’s not normal?

This is a question that I have just been asked. Honestly, my response is What the hell is normal? I am open and honest about my conditions because by hiding them I am allowing people to make me feel less then I am. I tell people often that it is not about what afflicts you but it is about how you choose to make the most of it. At the moment the openness and honesty are what is keeping me from sinking further into the black hole, which is how I describe my depression. It is a black hole that is always there and is always trying to pull me to it and when things get rough sometimes it pulls me closer and when things are good I am able to pull against its pull.

Being someone who has to deal with and manage many different things from my Autism to Spine problems I am constantly fighting to keep going and being open about when I am struggling is how I am able to ask for help.

Normal does not exist. You believe it does but honestly normal is an image that the media company puts up to say, “This is what life is like and this is what you should do to fit in it”. Well, I have never been a joiner. Normal does not exist. Normal is what you make it.  How dare anyone try and tell you to be “normal”. The world is made up of so many differences that normal is just a figment of peoples imagination.

Stop chasing normal. Stop chasing this perfect image of what life is like because you are setting yourself up for failure. The perfect man, the perfect job, the perfect family. These are all things that don’t exist. You should be looking at it like this;

The perfect man, for you!!

The perfect job, for you!!

The perfect family for you!!

Stop looking for something that isn’t real and stop trying to make others believe in it.

You can only have a normal life for you. For me, my normal life includes meltdowns, pain, daily struggles to get out of bed,  a fight every day to be the person I am and still doe the things that I love, a love of my job, a love of people who I call my family. Just because my normal is different to yours does not mean its not normal… It is just different.

The Blackhole is closing

I feel it closing,

The familiar feel,

The desperation and emptiness,

Why is it back?

I do what I can to keep it away so why is it back?

What more can I do to keep it at bay?

How can I stop getting this lonely sinking feeling from engulfing me whole?

The emptiness is coming again. This time its stronger and I don’t know what caused it

I look out of the window and there it is, the black hole is beckoning me, its invisible forces pulling me closer and closer

It would be so easy for me to just let it bring me in but I know what the other side of that is,

The loneliness, the lack of work, I have fought to keep myself on the right side of that black hole but honestly, I always know,

One false step, one false move, can send me hurtling back to it and put me back in its orbit,

I can’t keep fighting without any support yet no one wants to help me.

How can it be that someone in need can’t be helped?

Not one person out there can see this black hole, I know it is there

It is closing in…

 

 

Feeling very low

I am feeling very low today.

I have been soo stressed and sleepy in these last couple of weeks I got myself into a huge problem. I got seriously low and stuck in an old habbit of gaming. When you get obsessed with something you forget what is important because it is making you feel good again. However, now I am in a worse situation because I had lots of unexpected bills and now I have no money to move out.

I feel low and alone. No one is out there to help.

 

Life with multiple disabilities

Living life with a disability is hard. When you live a life with multiple ones can at times, be unbearable. I have 4 disabilities, Autism, Dyslexia, Depression and Spinal problems. It is something that at times can regularly come into conflict with each other. When I have a really bad day with my back I stay indoors and do what I can to ease the pain. The problem comes when the bad day lasts longer than one day and I have to stay indoors for longer periods of time. I start feeling low, my mood goes and my self-care goes out the window. This then causes my depression to go out the window.

With my autism, when I have a meltdown it can have a negative impact on my physical wellbeing and then the above happens again and again. It can be quite maddening. I am trying very hard to live my life but it also seems like there is no support for people in my situation 😦 But, we can survive. We can move on. We can keep the wheels turning but it means that we must keep fighting. Life is not simple however we can survive it.