suzefricker@mylifeaccordingtome.org Available all the time, just send me an email and I will get back to you.

Tomorrow May Not Come

Two years ago, 14 June 2017, I woke up for work expecting it to be a normal day. I looked at my phone to see a BBC news broadcast about Grenfell fire. I usually woke up at 5 am.

Two years ago today my mother and I, both with very little and disabilities, went down to the fire which is 3 minutes away by car or bus but too far for us to walk. We had loaded the car up with homemade blankets, fans, jumpers, food, drink and anything we knew we could do without. We went round to as many pop up centers as we could find and donated what we had brought to the efforts that were underway for them.

The Christian Center

The Westway

St Clements church

All three places were on our stop tour.

We sat with victims and prayed with them, helped them get food, sorted out the donations till I was physically unable to cope any more and was a blubbering wreck. AT that moment no one cared about religion, gender, ethnicity, age, politics, the social economic background we just came together. There were Christians in mosques and Muslims in churches and no one cared.

Businesses were giving away food and doctors and nurses and pharmacies were looking after people with needs so that they could keep the nonurgent cases out of the emergency rooms.

The only thing that we wanted was to make sure that we all got through that horrific day. Firefighters were even working double shifts and many have suffered PTSD from that day.

Because of this fire people have been displaced and the pain of that day lingers on every day. For 6 months I had nightmares every night. I got so tired that I was falling asleep everywhere.

So today I ask that you do something kind for someone in memory of those who did not make it out of that death trap, for the firefighters who suffer for what they saw and for the volunteers who bravely did whatever they could to help the community out. Don’t put it off till tomorrow because the lesson we learned the hard way here in North Kensington is that tomorrow is never guaranteed. So don’t put off till tomorrow something you can do today. Tell your parents, children, relatives of any kind that you love them. Live good lives and most importantly do not take your life for granted…

Advertisements

A week of crazy

So this week coming I have a lot to do and unfortunately I will be working from home the whole week. It can be a good thing but it can also be a bad thing. Luckily I will be seeing my support worker tomorrow and I will be on a training course as well on Thursday.

Happy days.

My holiday really has imprinted on me my need for self-care so I am doing more to support myself and help get myself more independent. This includes getting a shopping trolly so that I can go to Sainsburys when I need to and not wait for online orders for everything. It also means I am getting a 4 wheeled laptop bag so I do not have to carry much on my back to avoid extra pain. Lastly, I am going to start using buses more and fewer tubes which means that I will be walking more in between as well..

Clearly, my holiday has empowered me to do more and try and claw back some independence.

You never know….

You never know how run down you have gotten until you actually stop and take some time for yourself. This is something that I have learnt the hard way. I was soo low before I went on holiday. Even with some of the people who I was penpalling with all I could write about was my up coming trip. This is not a good sign for anyone. When you are that run down you have pushed your body to beyond the limits you should have… It doesn’t help with your mental health or your physical health.

You must always remember that you are important and no matter how much good you do for others, you will never be able to continue if you run out of energy or steam.

For people with disabilities, we all know that we have the added pressures of managing our disabilities as well as everything else that we do and so it is important to know what your limits are. If you want to try and push beyond the limits to do it in a way that you are not going to hurt yourself.

I emplore everyone to make sure that they make time for themselves as often as they can. You do not need to be left in a position where you are unable to continue. Look after yourself and then you will be able to look after others x

New Holiday and New Me

Since coming back from my holiday I have been covered in holiday energy. My Wellbeing has been massively improved. My self-care is improved and I have had the energy to do everything including cleaning my room, showing every day and even moving around. honestly if you are feeling run down, find somewhere to go and go on holiday.

Why?

Why are you so open, it’s not normal?

This is a question that I have just been asked. Honestly, my response is What the hell is normal? I am open and honest about my conditions because by hiding them I am allowing people to make me feel less then I am. I tell people often that it is not about what afflicts you but it is about how you choose to make the most of it. At the moment the openness and honesty are what is keeping me from sinking further into the black hole, which is how I describe my depression. It is a black hole that is always there and is always trying to pull me to it and when things get rough sometimes it pulls me closer and when things are good I am able to pull against its pull.

Being someone who has to deal with and manage many different things from my Autism to Spine problems I am constantly fighting to keep going and being open about when I am struggling is how I am able to ask for help.

Normal does not exist. You believe it does but honestly normal is an image that the media company puts up to say, “This is what life is like and this is what you should do to fit in it”. Well, I have never been a joiner. Normal does not exist. Normal is what you make it.  How dare anyone try and tell you to be “normal”. The world is made up of so many differences that normal is just a figment of peoples imagination.

Stop chasing normal. Stop chasing this perfect image of what life is like because you are setting yourself up for failure. The perfect man, the perfect job, the perfect family. These are all things that don’t exist. You should be looking at it like this;

The perfect man, for you!!

The perfect job, for you!!

The perfect family for you!!

Stop looking for something that isn’t real and stop trying to make others believe in it.

You can only have a normal life for you. For me, my normal life includes meltdowns, pain, daily struggles to get out of bed,  a fight every day to be the person I am and still doe the things that I love, a love of my job, a love of people who I call my family. Just because my normal is different to yours does not mean its not normal… It is just different.

The Blackhole is closing

I feel it closing,

The familiar feel,

The desperation and emptiness,

Why is it back?

I do what I can to keep it away so why is it back?

What more can I do to keep it at bay?

How can I stop getting this lonely sinking feeling from engulfing me whole?

The emptiness is coming again. This time its stronger and I don’t know what caused it

I look out of the window and there it is, the black hole is beckoning me, its invisible forces pulling me closer and closer

It would be so easy for me to just let it bring me in but I know what the other side of that is,

The loneliness, the lack of work, I have fought to keep myself on the right side of that black hole but honestly, I always know,

One false step, one false move, can send me hurtling back to it and put me back in its orbit,

I can’t keep fighting without any support yet no one wants to help me.

How can it be that someone in need can’t be helped?

Not one person out there can see this black hole, I know it is there

It is closing in…

 

 

Feeling very low

I am feeling very low today.

I have been soo stressed and sleepy in these last couple of weeks I got myself into a huge problem. I got seriously low and stuck in an old habbit of gaming. When you get obsessed with something you forget what is important because it is making you feel good again. However, now I am in a worse situation because I had lots of unexpected bills and now I have no money to move out.

I feel low and alone. No one is out there to help.