I am invisible. I have been invisible since I was in school. Not one of the 3 primary schools and two secondary schools picked up on the fact that I was dyslexic. The medical society refused to recognize women with autism unless they were seriously on one end of the scale so we just got labeled problem children.
I am invisible. That’s why I can’t be seen by people.
The world is a scary place for me. I am trying very hard to live my life as someone who is a productive member of society but it can be difficult when it seems that everything is set up against you. When the world is apathetic to the people who do everything that they can to live life outside the image that is placed on them. When you look at people and they label you names such as #WelfareQueen etc and all you want to do is scream and say, “WHY CAN YOU NOT SEE HOW HARD I FIGHT?”
I am feeling this at the moment because of the lack of support I have had in my life. I do everything I can to get the world to see things my way however, it is a world that turns their back on me and kicks me to the dirt 100% of the time.
I turned 33 on Sunday and what I got for it was more debt to my family and no presents. I had to move because of a potential issue that could affect my wellbeing and no help or support from councils. Yet, do I still turn my head away? No. I always reach out to people to see if I am able to help. I do what I can to raise awareness on disability everywhere and yet the world tells me to get fucked.
All I have ever wanted to do since I realized that I was someone who got screwed over by being born in the decade I was when medical science was not where it should have been and so I got missed, is to make sure that when I leave this world I leave it a nicer place than when I found it. This can be very challenging at the best of time however I am trying to get sorted one person at a time.
Some times, however, my faith in my mission feels like a long shot. When I realize that there are people out there who just do not give a damn.
Through work, I joined the Leadership Academy Programme which I graduated from on Thursday. It was amazing!
There is something to be said for attending a course where it is a safe space and you can be open and honest about your disabilities. I found it really interesting and even though some parts of it were things I covered in my Business Administration Course, the majority fo it was things that I did not know. Even the trainer was able to be open and honest about his own disabilities.
I would recommend anyone with disabilities attending this course. Well worth it!
I have been feeling quite low today. Not just because my stomach has been going a mile a minute but with the realisation that if I would like to stay living in London, I am going to need to find a second job. This will mean that I will be working either 6 or 7 days a week.
Why is this you ask?
Well simply put, it is the cost of living in London. Where your perscriptions can be up to or over £10 per item. Where people are less likely to offer you help and assistance if you have a problem. Where transportation systems are not retrofitted with things like LIFTS or escallators so people like me have to avoid certain stations. Where to find somewhere suitable to live you need to have a budget of over £1000 per month without bills included and where the cost of travel goes up yearly.
I am on 8-10 medications a day so a month on medications alone I can be paying £80-£100.
Living in London is hard but when you work here it is even harder because realistically you have to stay here.
I may even have to give up blogging if I ever find a place of my own unless I find something that can run off of my phone for a while.
London is not suitable for the disabled and yet I am stuck here.
If anyone out there is able to help me please feel free to donate money to me via my paypal paypal.me/suzef86 I gave up with Gofundme as people seemed more interested in donating to people who want to spread hate then to help those in need so I decided if anyone wants to help me they can and the link above should help.
Feeling a little low tonight.
Remembering the training course I have been on. The teacher makes these comments about me and I just want to hide away. I feel he needs to learn more about tolerance of people with other disabilities. I feel like I have to hide away. I don’t think I will ever go on any training course where this trainer is teaching ever again.
I have decided to challenge myself to write a blog every day of the month of June. This for me is a challenge because there are times when I will admit my disabilities can get the better of me. So, I will challenge myself to blog at least once a day 🙂 Wish me luck
Yesterday I received an awesome boost.
Due to my varying disabilities I struggle with a range of things. One of those things happens to be cleaning, more specifically making my bed. I can do the sheets and the pillowcases but doing the duvet cover is something that takes so much energy and causes me so much pain that I tend to avoid doing it. I would normally ask my mum to do it for me.
Well last night I had a little accident when my water which had a berroca thing in it kind of exploded all over me. I asked my mum is she would change my duvet cover and she said no. Fair enough it was like 8 pm. So I went back to my room and decided well, I may as well just try if it failed then mum could do it for me when I got up. So I went to the airing cupboard and got the new bed linen to change my bed and I got to the duvet. My back was hurting and I was doubting myself but I gave it a go. I managed to do it for the first time ever. I changed my Duvet Cover.
For those of you who do not have a disability you may not understand how huge this is for me. I really have NEVER changed my duvet cover. I just couldn’t. However, last night, was the first time I was able to do so. I was sore and hurting for the rest of the night but I achieved it. To me this was AMAZING. I am so proud of myself. I cant believe I did it.
I am so proud of myself!