suzefricker@mylifeaccordingtome.org Available all the time, just send me an email and I will get back to you.

Why I am so Stressed

So I have been sending some rather stressed messages on social media and now I need to explain why. Everything that I am going through at the moment costs money and now I need to get support in things that I need help with because I have been denied permission to get a service dog. So here is a list of things I need to pay for;

  1. £1800 to pay off my abusers and be able to cut the strings so I no longer need to spend part of my week there 😦
  2. £3000 to find a new place and pay first and last month’s rent where I will be allowed to apply and get a service dog.
  3. £3000 to cover any possible damages at my current flat
  4. £3000 to arrange for movers to pack up and move me
  5. £10,000 to cover travel to and from London
  6. £1560 to arrange for home care help for the cleaning that I am unable to do myself without the help of a service dog
  7. £4000 to replace the furniture that I am in need of which includes a wardrobe, chest of drawers, bed as I do not have a wardrobe, my chest of drawers is broken and my bed is broken. I also need to find a bed that is easier for me to get in and out of.
  8. £1000 for adaptions for my flat
  9. £7000 to get myself out of the debt I got myself in so that I can finally start saving so that money could go towards supporting myself properly.
  10. £5000 to take classes to learn to do things and get life skills to learn how to cook, properly manage my money, etc.

All of this is what I need to pay out for and I have nothing. How do I pay for this stuff with nothing? Who do I turn too? Who can help me? I need help and after months of trying to get help crowd funding I have finally given up. No one is going to help me. So now I have to struggle alone 😦 my walls are closing in and I wonder why I fight so hard. If I could I would just run away. But I can’t do that. I can’t just start again. I almost wish I was in a real witness protection programme that way I would get a new identity and could start again. But no one will help me.

Abuse victims are on our own.

Autistic abuse victims are on our own

depressed autistic abuse victims are on our own.

No one out there cares to help when we are in need. They don’t know what it’s like to be told your worthless so much that you believe it. To have your own family judge you not because of what you knowingly do but because of things you have no control over. To have the people who supposedly love you judge you because you were brave enough to say something is wrong and be proved right.

I am all alone.

THIS IS ME

I re-watched The Greatest Showman again tonight and again, like most people around the world I found an affinity with the movie and the songs. So, tonight I want to share my promise to myself I made after watching this inspirational movie again.

Every time I have had a new diagnosis I have always felt like I was defective. Why do I have depression? Why am I dyslexic? Why did my spine have to get crooked? But the opposit is true for my autism diagnosis. Before diagnosis I felt like I was defective. I did not understand why I was so different to everyone else especially when it came to reacting to things, or the trouble I got myself in during my WILD CHILD days.

I could not understand who I was but when I was diagnosed things came into perspective for me. It was like a weight was lifted off of my shoulders and I could say to the world THIS IS ME. However this has not been without trials and tribulations in itself.

I have faced hatred and ignorance because I come from a generation where girls were not autistic and this has come through from social media and people I have known for years and years (pre diagnosis). Because of the diagnosis I felt freedom and through these mean and horrid people I felt that I was being forced back into a box that stifled me for years.

When I watched the Greatest Showman and the song This is Me came on i honestly felt like I was going to cry especially with these lyrics;

But I won’t let them break me down to dust
I know that there’s a place for us
For we are glorious

When the sharpest words wanna cut me down
I’m gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out
I am brave, I am bruised
I am who I’m meant to be, this is me
Look out ’cause here I come
And I’m marching on to the beat I drum
I’m not scared to be seen
I make no apologies, this is me

So the promise I am making to myself is simply this. When those people who hate on me or show their ignorance because they think they know who I am and what I really feel like and go through each day try and put me back in that box. I will not let them. THIS IS ME

I am an Autistic,Dyslexic, who also has Depression and Spinal Problems.I risk meltdowns in public places when they are busy. I get over stimulated and go a bit Cray Cray until I do something to calm me. I have days when I don’t want to get out of bed, or days when I physically cant without crying. My spelling always needs to be spell checked and I take things very literally at times. But ladies and gents guess what? THIS IS ME and if you don’t like it you know where the door is!

I urge everyone who is different to read this and take it on board. You are you, if you hide that from the world you are depriving people of an amazing gift of you. March to your own drum and do not apologize for it. You are who you are and anyone who wants to stifle that does not deserve your company.

My life

The Joys of Me

So over the weekend I did a post about disability advice. Well today I am going to say I hate being injured. When I reinjured my shoulders I had to go through a lot more pain now.

I now have to use a sling on which ever arm hurts the most. This is really starting to reek havoc on my day to day life.

I tried to do some shopping and honestly pushing a trolly around with one hand was a pain in the ass and very difficult to do.

However, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. When I went to the shops today a woman freaked out that she did not have any money for the trolly. I went into my purse and found I had an extra £1. I gave it to her.

When I was done shopping she had been waiting for me and tried to give it back to me. I told her to keep it. If she then found someone in need she should give it to them. She went and brought an envelope and put the £1 in it. She labelled it “for future help”.

This just shows that if you are having a rough day with your disabilities, there is always someone who may be in need. So when you get help, make sure that you pay it forward. It is pretty easy to forget in this day and age to forget to be nice. The smallest act of kindness can make the biggest difference. So make sure that you dont forget about it.

We are Stewards of the World

I am a Citizen of the World

I have long considered myself out of place and out of time. Just because I am Autistic I have decided that the reason I feel out of place is because I am a citizen not just of my country of birth, but of the world

I feel deeply for those who struggle not just here but across the globe. I hurt when I see the pain that other people are going through whether it is from natural disaster or through circumstance. I cant make the hurt stop however, what I can do is call for help

So because of this I want to call out to everyone. No matter what Religion you are be it Christian, Buddist, Muslim, Jewish or something else, we are stewards of the world. This even applies to those who are people of no faith. We are supposed to look after and protect the world and we have failed to do so.

So my call out is to everyone. What we are seeing in Australia at the moment is total devastation. Homes and lives are being lost and our first responders are doing the best they can. The Military is doing the best they can but they need our help. What ever you can do to help those affected by the Bushfires please do so.

Look at the red cross, look for things that can help these people who have lost everything, The trees and the environment that has been destroyed, the wildlife that could be extinct because of these fires. We need to do something to help everyone. We are stewards of this world and we are all human. I dont care about political views but we need to help these people.

Coding & Me

What makes coding special to me?

Coding is something that I am finding very relaxing.

When your brain is so chaotic as mine, coding gives me a sense of something that makes me feel safe. When you have two neurodiverse conditions which are by their nature polar opposites of each other, you mind can be a crowded and messy place. This is what I live with on the day to day

Coding brings me a certain amount of relaxation when my world is going crazy and there is nothing I can do to stop it

It also gives me something to focus on. When I am unable to sleep, or having stress, coding gives me that focus I need to get through.

There is something so elegant about coding. It never lies. It works or it doesn’t. If it doesn’t it gives you a mission for find out why it is not working. This is a challenge.

I would recommend finding a project that you can work on if you are Autistic. It can give you a sense of purpose in a crazy world that we find ourselves in.

Anyway I will leave it ther for now.

My Peace

My peace of mind

How do I draw Peace in a Chaotic mind?

I often get asked how I draw peace in the chaos of my mind? How do I calm myself both as an autistic person as well as a Christian woman as well. The truth is is that I often find peace in a certain Psalm. The Psalm I refer to is Psalm 23 and I will share it with you now

The Lord is my Shepherd, I lack nothing;

He makes me lie down in green pastures;

he leads me beside quiet waters;

He guides me along the right paths for his name’s sake;

Even though I walk through the darkest valley;

I will fear no evil;

For you are with me;

Your rod and your staff they comfort me;

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;

You anoint my head with oil;

My cup overflows

Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life;

And I will dwell in the house of the Lord, forever;

This Psalm is something that always has stayed with me and been a calming influence on me when growing up. It shows that no matter what happens God will take care of me. Even, if it does not seem like it now I will be rewarded when I see him at the end of my road where ever that may be. When you grow up with a mind a chaotic as mine, with un-diagnosed autism it is really easy to wonder why everything happens to you but this Psalm no matter how chaotic my life is it brings me back

Christmas Break

Holidays, a time for reflection

As I am seriously bad at taking holidays, I tend to take the bulk of it at Christmas. It gives you a proper chance to reflect of the year just gone and the new one that is due to start

This year that has just gone has been a year of ups and downs. I moved into my own place for the first time and so far I have far exceeded my streak of living alone. I have been single for a whole year and enjoyed the time by myself.

So what did I need to reflect on you may ask? Well the answer to that is honestly how I see myself and how I am going to go about getting to the places I want to get to. I have just been coasting this last year and I think it is time that I really look at what I want. I need to look at what I want on both a personal and professional level and figure out how I am going to achieve this.

One of the things I have learned over this Christmas period is what really keeps me calm when it comes to my autism. PROJECTS!!!With this in mind I have decided that I would like to learn to code. Even though you will not be able to see it I am using HTML code for this post. I am very proud of what I have already achieved and look forward to learning more.

I have learned that it is about knowing who you are as a person and being strong enough to say “I don’t care what you think of me, I know who I am and I am happy with that.” So from today I will no longer allow other people to define me and I will make sure that what I do is because it is what is best for me.

Reflection is good for you no matter what religion you are or what culture you are from. I urge everyone to take the time to reflect who who they are and what you want for yourself.

Finally, I would like to wish everyone in the world a Happy New Year, and lets hope that we can make 2020 the best it can be.