IM DESPERATE FOR HELP

Once again I am asking the world for help. It is really not nice for me asking for help because honestly, I am usually the one giving it. So here is why you should help me on gofundme by either donating or sharing my link.

Why I need the money:

I need to move to keep myself safe from an ex who was and if allowed to continue to be emotionally abusive. He is a man who continued to treat me as something he could pick up and drop at the flip of a coin. He messed with my head so much that even now I struggle to believe I am worth someone good. I can’t change where I work but I can change where I live and this money would go towards helping me move somewhere safe and still be able to afford to get to work etc.

Why Should you help me:

I am a good person. You may think yea yea we hear this a lot but I am.

Even though I could, I work despite my disabilities and mentor people who have the same disabilities as me so that they can be confident to work as well.

I started my own campaign to make sure men and women who serve and protect communities, cities, and countries know that they are appreciated for all they do.

I volunteer with a military charity and write to active service men and women who are stationed away from home to help keep their morale up.

I help anyone in need. Recently been supporting a neighbor who has been going through hell with someone who was causing her serious stress and putting her in danger. I helped someone else out of a bad domestic abuse situation including making sure she was safe when she didn’t feel it.

I have never asked for praise for anything I do because I don’t do it for praise but for the fact that I want to make the world a nicer place to live.

So what now?

Please donate to my go fund me page: https://www.gofundme.com/4t77nm-my-first-home I really need your help. If you can’t afford to donate, please share my link. I am getting desperate. I need to move.

I am an Autistic with dyslexia, depression and spinal problems living in a situation where I want to cry almost daily and jump at any noise I hear when traveling. Please help me.

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Meltdown – remembering

So because today I have been recovering from my meltdown yesterday, I have been thinking about my childhood. Obviously, I was not diagnosed with my autism until very later in my adult life and I have pushed things to the back of my mind but today I have been thinking about all the random times.

There are two that I currently remember. Once when my mum decided that my sister and I had to walk to school on our own. I was thrown because she had never done this before and I broke down into a major wreck until and crying massively. My mum had to come down and in the end, had to take us to school.

In hindsight, this was due to the change in my routine which I could not handle. This is something that could have been worked on had I been diagnosed as a child. My mum would have known not to change my routine and honestly, it could have saved some people some stress. I had to deal with many things that day, however, I remember that meltdown clearly in my head.

The other time was when I was a teenager. Once again I was supposed to be able to go to the library with my sister. My parents were supposed to come with me however, my dad had to work suddenly and could not come. My mum was also sick that day and could not come to the flat. Once again this was a change to my routine and I broke down into tears and kept saying “bye” to the front door. My sister, at the time, got so annoyed she punched me in the stomach. My dad heard my scream from the flat and came running down the stairs and brought us up to the flat. I then spent the rest of the day curled up on my parent’s bed and I wouldn’t speak to anyone including my sister.

Again, in hindsight, had I been diagnosed maybe they would have not made plans that could potentially be changed and maybe be a way in which they would be kinder to me. That would seriously have been better.

What I remember is that I was drained after each meltdown, however, I don’t remember having it feel like this before. Maybe the older I get the harder to deal with the aftermath of a meltdown.

Honestly, I wish I had a service dog to help me 😦 What I am noticing that now I have been diagnosed I am trying to embrace both the positive and negative parts of it, however, the negative sides can be quite horrid. Now I have the diagnosis I do not need to hide it which made it worse, however, embracing it would be so difficult.

London – Not a good place for someone with Autism

I have decided today, after coming home from work stressed, having vomited on the tube and in tears that London is no place for someone with Autism.

Let’s start at the beginning.

I got to the underground station and I have people pushing and shoving me,. I don’t like being touched unless it is something that I have instigated like hugs etc so having people bumping me, pushing me and shoving me was NOT good… Even got pushed into a tube door when someone tried to get passed me to get off the tube, before the door had opened.

I got to my change station, and had two foreign women either side of me screaming in my ears and when I looked at them to say something I swear they might have slapped me so I didn’t say a word which made me get worse.

I got on my second tube and the same woman kept standing on my feet repeatedly.

Then a man came onto the tube with so much smelly stuff on I was actually physically sick. This would also be the same man who saw that I was using the bar next to my seat and CHOSE to stand when his bum was on the bar. I just had to curl up in my seat and hope for the best. Even stuck half my face down my top so that I didn’t smell him but me, and STILL I smelt him.

I got home and was so stressed I was pulling my hair and crying. Full melt down… Now I am exhausted I will be having a shower and going to bed.

London is no place for someone with Autism, not at all.

My Autism

A lot of people say to me when I tell them that I am autistic is “you don’t look like someone with autism”.  I have given up explaining to them that not all autistics look the same. So here is the down low on my Autism. Because I was diagnosed later in like I have learned to deal with some situations or hide certain things so here is how my Autism affects me.

I find it very hard to talk to people in a meaningful way. I either get very quiet or over talkative. When I get over talkative I can be too open and end up talking about things that you should not really discuss in a normal conversation.

I can be too open and I have to check with people as to whether or not things should be discussed. For me logically, if you tell someone something it is hand in hand that you tell them why. An example (Prior to diagnosis) I was asked by work colleagues if I wanted another drink and when I said no and they pushed I told them all of the details why. I was told later that this was something I should not have done and I didn’t understand why I was being told not to talk about it.

I also take things very literally. If you ask me a question you must give me a full question. When I had to appeal my disability benefits the judge asked me “What would you do if you needed to go out for milk?” I answered the question as “I wouldn’t”. When the judge asked me why I told her, “I don’t drink milk”.  If the judge had asked me what would I do if I needed to go out and get something from the shop, then the question would have been answered in a different way

I find it very easy to get lost and when things are changed or I am in an unfamiliar territory then I get very overwhelmed and get on the verge of meltdown mode.

If my routine is changed without my knowledge beforehand I get very upset. For instance, Friday night is Pizza night. If no one tells me at least 24 hours prior that they are going to change the routine then I find it very difficult to get my head around it. I can once again head to meltdown mode. My routine is sacred to me.

I hate change. I accept that there are times especially in work that change happens however when there is not enough communication around it then I am very stressed and at the same time I can fall into a meltdown mode. Even when someone who changes something in my room, then I get very anxious around it and then I have to have it moved back the way it was. If I move something its fine but when someone else does it I have major issues.

I have issues with food. There are certain foods that I can’t deal with because I am struggling with the texture. Brown bread is one for me. I can’t do it and therefore I do not eat it. The same is with white bread with bits in it, I can’t deal with it. I have lots of issues with meat so even as a child I had to go to vegetarianism because I could not deal with it. Along with that, I had a problem with the fact that I could tell when someone changed brands in my house. If you went from Birdseye to another brand I could tell the difference and wouldn’t eat what was in front of me. This is yet another reason why I became a vegetarian. It would be easier for me to be a vegetarian and have fewer restrictions on what I eat.

Smell is something that is a problem for me. I can tell when people change their perfume or deodorants and get really affected by some smells especially when there is too much. I get honestly sick.

The sound is something that I have issues with. When I am at work I have to block my ears when we have a fire drill because the noise is so loud. I have always had sensitive hearing. I can hear when the tv is too loud from the other end of the flat and I can also hear both sides of the telephone call.

These are all the things that affect me.

Anyways from this, you can tell just because we are diagnosed the same, we do not look the same. When you know one person with autism, you know one person with autism, don’t assume we are all the same.

Personal Thank You

Being Autistic is something I am still learning about. I have triggers and sometimes I know how to deal with them and sometimes I don’t. My biggest one at the moment is one particular tube station in London. It is HUGE for me. There are so many different escalators just to get off the platform that I get overwhelmed and get lost. I have had to use this station 3 times in the last few weeks and every time I get lost in a new way :S

But my thank you goes out to the Metropolitan Police and the City of London Police as I don’t know which police officers I met or which one they were from. Every time I have gotten overwhelmed and lost I always seem to manage to find me a Police officer with a service dog. The two-legged officer gives me directions that I can understand and the four-legged officer gives me love and affection in a lick of letting me pet them that I feel able to get off of the ledge of full meltdown and find my way to where I need to go.

So to all of the two legged and four legged officers in the Metropolitan Police and City of London Police #ThankYouForYourService and thank you for helping this Autistic Woman out. Your officers won’t of known I was Autistic, but it made a BIG impression on me and I am super thankful for that as it helped me avoid a meltdown which would have made me feel very embarrassed when it passed.

Autism – Social Energy

Last year during International Day of Persons with Disabilities we had a talk from Genius Within and they talked about the theory of Social Energy.

Basically, it is like the Spoon Theory for Lupus. We all have social energy tanks. Those who are Neuro-Typical have larger tanks than Neuro Diverse people. This is the key thing to know. Now like the spoon theory every action that we do takes away from your social energy tank. The problem is is that when someone who is neurodiverse who has a smaller tank thing gets drained a lot quicker than a neurotypical person.

Unlike the Spoon theory, however, we can refill our tanks. The idea is that if someone who is neuro diverse’s tank dips below 30% then we are likely to be in a meltdown mode. So with your social energy, it is very important to know where you are at and how you refill your tank.

For me, to refill my tank when I am at work, I go to the coffee shop and speak with the staff there. I find the break from work and what is draining my energy is a way to refill. When I goto my coffee shop I can be a little crazy and let out stresses. When I then return to work I find that I have avoided a meltdown. For me when I am in meltdown mode I know that I go very quiet and you can’t talk to me and I won’t talk to anyone. So to avoid this I keep an eye on my energy levels.

The other aspect of this is the fact that you need to find your safe space to do it. I know one person who stands in a closet. Others go and sit on a bench doing nothing but people watch. It is your safe space to find it.

Since learning this theory my team at work and I use it a lot. They ask me what my number is at when I need a break. This helps me focus on my own needs. I think that you all need to work on this to see if it can help you try and avoid your meltdown phases.

Being Different is not BAD

One thing I needed to get myself together to understand what it is that is “wrong” with me. However, it was not till I understood that there is nothing wrong with me I am just different to everyone else around me.

I get very emotional over some things. That isn’t bad, it just means that I can get really sad. The thing that I am sad most about is when I see an animal who gets killed in the middle of the street. It doesn’t mean that there is anything wrong with me. It means my mind deals with this kind of things differently. Same for TV shows. There are certain episodes of shows that I can not ever watch again because they make me so sad that I cry. The logic side of my brain knows that its fiction but I just can’t deal with what is being shown, example, the episode in Criminal Minds where Hotch’s ex-wife is killed by the Reaper… I can NEVER watch that episode ever again.

I have uber senses (if only my eyesight was one of them). It’s not bad, it just means I avoid situations where I am likely to be affected… It’s not bad, just means that I am different.

Differences make you who you are and that is something that we all need to accept. If we were all the same, we would not have the breakthroughs that we have in art, science, music and many other things… If we were, all the same, we may as well be wearing gray jumpsuits and all have numbers instead of names.