So, as I have discussed many a time I was diagnosed as being Autistic at the age of 31. Before then I was getting things wrong in a major way in my life.
I would jump from one relationship to another one. I would get so down in work that I never lasted longer than 3 years. Shortest job I had was 2 months. I could never be happy. Even when I was happy it was limited.
But, in 2018 (after my diagnosis) my longest relationship ended. We ended as friends which is something that I am eternally grateful for. What it also gave me however, was the ability to think what I needed for me. I was struggling with my diagnosis because I had some people talking about how I was acting up to the diagnosis and others who plain refused to admit it. For me it was like I had a weight lifted off of my shoulder which meant that I could actually be myself for the first time in 31 years.
Since then I have learned that only you can make yourself happy. It sounds simple enough and you may find people saying “No Doy”. But this is a hard thing to do. We put so much of our self worth into what other people think of us that we forget that we are all separate and unique individuals. Even in this lock down situation we find it hard to make ourselves happy. But what does it mean to make yourself happy?
For me, it is doing things that I plan to do. So, I took a week off of work and I wanted to deep clean my flat. It has taken me all week, there has been a lot of ouchies but I did it. This makes me happy. I am teaching myself to code and this makes me happy as I am learning a new skill. I watch videos such as SmileSquad online and those guys and gals always make me laugh.. Check it out!. I watch videos by Dhar Mann and those make me happy to watch and I help people where I can even with the limitations that I have and that makes me happy.
Had me and my ex never broken up I don’t know if I would have been able to find this side of me. I was so dependant on him for my own self worth (not in an abusive way) but just because most of our relationship was before my Autism diagnosis that when we broke up I refused to just jump back in to another relationship. Honestly, it has been the best thing to of happened to me. I am now making myself happy and depending on myself for that. 🙂
You can do it to. Find your ways to make yourself happy 🙂
#Autism Social awkwardness and confusion is like listening to a joke that you do not understand. You don’t know whether you are supposed to laugh or not and it makes you feel so strange. You don’t want to ask for an explanation because you do not want to look dumb and you don’t know how the joke maker will feel about you asking.
Another way to look at it for all those Trekkie fans out there is that it is like being like Commander Data on the Star Ship Enterprise only instead of wanting to be more Human you want to be more normal. I often find that when I am in groups of people I want to be able to converse like them but I worry that I do not have the capability and I am always scared I will say the right thing, in the wrong way and offend someone. Then I worry that I won’t know that I have offended them. So, just like Commander Data, I look the same as everyone else but I am always striving to be more like everyone else. #Autism can make you feel so alone even in a crowd of people. #StarTrek#BeingNormal
So today hopefully will be the last day of quarantine however I have been advised to stay inside anyways because I am prone to Chest Infections. I missed a few days of blogging because I was starting to feel lonely and hopeless but had a long chat with a friend in the states and that revived my spirit of survival.
I have also been thinking about myself and my autism. I have never been good at taking compliments. I have started analyzing why and I have figured it out. I DONT UNDERSTAND COMPLIMENTS! I get complimented at work all the time and I never understand why. For me, I am doing my job and your saying I am a star. I don’t understand because I am doing what I am paid to do.
Has any other person with Autism had this trouble understanding compliments?
It is 12:07 when I write this so officially into the next day of quarentine. I am starting to feel better if not a little over tired.
The coughing that started on sunday has calmed down alot and the fever is still yoyoing but it is going in the right direction.
My voice is starting to come back if only for my sanity to be going. I spent 20 minutes last night laughing at the fact that no matter which way you break the word viagra down it still sounds like your saying viagra. I broke it down in two ways Vi ag ra and Via gra. That is the state of my sanity atm
Please everyone take this Lockdown seriously. My cousin who has a defect in her heart shows signs of Covid now if she goes down hill it could kill her. We already had to bury her brother from a car accident 5 nearly 6 years ago and now we have to face losing her too. All because people are being asswhole. Pleas do your part.
Stay home, protect the NHS and save lives
So today I developed a cough and what the doctor said was a mild fever – YEAY THE ASTHMATIC HAS COVID SYMPTOMS!!
So on the advice of the NHS 111 service, I have to stay indoors for definite for 14 days. I am on antibiotics, steroids, and asthma inhalers. 14 days I have to figure out how I get my bins put out because I can’t keep the full bins in my flat for 14 days. Don’t think that would be too healthy.
Positive side I have had lots of people offering to help me out whilst I have to stay indoors for 14 days straight. 😦 Need to make sure I get enough sleep and enough liquids to keep my body hydrated.
The outpour of support has been amazing. Even had someone go and collect my medication for me and drop it on my front door for me.
Today has been difficult. I went out for my walk and realised I may be doing worse for myself by going out every day. I don’t think I can have a walk a day and now am worried about what my health is going to be like when this is all over. I have to exercise because otherwise my health will get worse especially my back condition but at the same time I am not getting any support to do the right things.
I have also started to worry about finance. Because I have to stay in my flat alone for a minimum of 3 months I need to buy more food. Usually I would top up once a month as I would be spending some time in London with my family when I had to work in London which I cant do now. Am I going to have enough to survive a whole month. Been trying to see if I was eligible for benefits to help with the increased costs associated for being at home all the time but the website is soooo slow.
I am now starting to worry.
So, I forgot to blog yesterday so you get 2 days for the price of 1.
The day went well enough my spirit was high and I even went out out for a walk. I have found it really funny that when I couldn’t go out when ever I wanted I could stay in all day and night however now that I can only go out once a day I want to go out.
To be honest today I am ashamed of being British. Videos of people cussing out staff in shops who are rationing. Cussing them out for not being able to bulk buy coke I mean wtf.
When we have NHS staff who are living away from their families to protect them and keep working and then people sunbathing on Shepherds Bush Green… IT IS SHAMEFULL.
Write more tomorrow.
So today, I got to go outside. Not too far but Sainsbury’s was opening the first hour to people with disabilities which meant I could actually get some FOOD! I know novel concept people needing food :S
Since then I worked my hours but I made sure that I took breaks. Knowing that I would not be going out other than checking the post my plan is to take breaks to do things around the house.
The first break I took was for lunch. I made myself pancakes :S it was messy but I actually took like 40-minute lunch break… This is unheard of for me. Then this afternoon when my emails went quiet I went and did all my washing up. I think this is going to help me not lose my marbles. I also think I may have to start work earlier because my flat seems to get hot in the afternoon. Last check it was at 28 degrees so if I start work earlier I can be finished before it gets this hot again.
I won’t be going outside except for checking the post and maybe to get some fresh air in the courtyard.
Remember everyone where ever possible keep yourself safe and sane. Stay at home and help kick Covid’s ass.
As I said previously I am basically locking myself away as much as possible so that I reduce the risk of catching the Corona Virus. Today is the first full day of it.
I came back to my flat in Kent yesterday and to be honest, after all the traveling I was a bit too tired to do anything.
Today I had two facetime calls with friends which were absolutely amazing 🙂 part of it was me wanting to make sure they were ok and the other part was me needing some interaction.
I have started cleaning today and doing some organizing. My goal for the end of the day is to make sure that I am set up for starting to work tomorrow AND to be completely unpacked from 2 and a bit weeks in London. It is important to make sure that I find something to do each day.
Tomorrow, I will be attending Sainsbury’s tomorrow morning at 08:00 so that I can get bread. I need to make sure that I have my disabled person ID card and my photo card so that they can prove that I am a disabled person who is entitled to the early shop. I will be interested to see how it all looks tomorrow morning. If I look out of the window and see large crowds I may have to just say screw it and stay indoors. I need to make sure that I am kept safe and not exacerbating my spinal problems.
Then I will be doing a full day of work and then find something to clean.
I know you wish you were like all the other kids in school. You wish that you were not different. You wish that the comments would stop and that you would be accepted for who you are.
I know that when you get up in the morning wishing you could stay in bed and pray that you could stay safe. I know at times you feel so low that you want to die.
I know how you feel because I was you. I was picked on and bullied my entire school life, unfortunately for me it wasn’t until I was an adult and late late teens that I found out what made me different but it hurt. The comments that kids made, the names I got called and sometimes even physical violence. I just wanted it to end. I didn’t know how to bring the subject up with anyone because when I did things got worse. So, I internalised it all.
But, I want you to hang in there. No matter what makes you different you are special. No matter what you deal with on a day to day in school it can get better. It is hard to see the light right now but it is there and you can be who ever you want to be. You can get a college degree and you can have a career and those bullies you dealt with in school are likely to find out the hard way what Disability is. When they have to deal with it either in themselves or in the family they love they will realise and regret the choices they made. They will remember you forever because they will regret it and you will not remember them.
The light may seem far off but don’t loose hope. Don’t let the bullies win. Because everything you are going through now is giving you more strength to go out and get what you want.
Your family love you and you are loved by people who don’t even know you.
Find your strength and fight on through the pain and through the hurt because what is waiting on the other side is acceptance, love and understanding.
Bullies can only win if you let them. So fight hard every day to prove that you are the awesome person that you are.
Prayer, love and support going out to you and all children who have a Disability x you are all loved x
When you are autistic you can have some peculiar eating issues.
Some people can not let their food touch, other people have to eat their food in certain orders, and most have issues with textures of food. What I have found realizing my issues with food are linked with my autism I have noticed that people really do take for granted what they eat.
I learned from an early age I have an issue with meat. I can not stand the texture of most meat is most formats. Because of this, I had to dabble in vegetarianism. However, this is not a hard and fast rule. So, I can deal with corned beef when it is completely mashed up into a corned beef hash. I can handle mince if it is not fresh or too long, essentially it has to be small enough that when cooked it can just be swallowed if I have to chew it then it is not good. I can not handle roast anything. I hate the texture and I hate anything that is still in the form of the animal it was. I can’t eat it. It becomes a chewy mess in my mouth and my body will not let me swallow it.
But again, it is not just meat that I have an issue with. I can’t eat egg in any format I find the texture horrible and taste even worse. Essentially if you want me to eat an egg you need to drown it in BBQ Sauce and I mean DROWN it. Brown bread I hate the texture so I can’t eat it. Broccoli, cauliflower, (tree veggies) you will never find me eating them Quiche HELL NO and the list goes on. It is a problem of texture and taste for me. Mostly the texture of it but sometimes it is both.
So, when I see people make HUGE plates of food and then throw half of it out it breaks my heart. When you have problems with food, you really realize how much actually goes to waste in the world. I try not to waste so when I make a big pan of anything I will portion it up so I had risotto twice in a row this week because I was not about to throw half of it out.
It can get me down because I struggle with cooking and it is harder to find recipes that are for vegetarians which keeps out the food I cant handle. I would love to learn recipes that would work for me but I am not sure they exist. My dream would be to fly out to LA, spend one on one time with a top chef *cough* Anne Burrell*Cough* or others like Bobby Flay, Alton Brown, Tyler Florence, Robert Irvine or Beau MacMillan *Cough* Anne Burrell *Cough* I think his name is and give them a list of what I cant make, what I can’t eat and work out some simple dishes that would A give me better skills in the kitchen but also be healthy for me.
Cooking and food are a big passion for me but it is also my biggest pain. The world of Autism is not great. You do your best to bring the positives to the surface but the bad stuff like issues with food can always bring you down.
Holidays, a time for reflection
As I am seriously bad at taking holidays, I tend to take the bulk of it at Christmas. It gives you a proper chance to reflect of the year just gone and the new one that is due to start
This year that has just gone has been a year of ups and downs. I moved into my own place for the first time and so far I have far exceeded my streak of living alone. I have been single for a whole year and enjoyed the time by myself.
So what did I need to reflect on you may ask? Well the answer to that is honestly how I see myself and how I am going to go about getting to the places I want to get to. I have just been coasting this last year and I think it is time that I really look at what I want. I need to look at what I want on both a personal and professional level and figure out how I am going to achieve this.
One of the things I have learned over this Christmas period is what really keeps me calm when it comes to my autism. PROJECTS!!!With this in mind I have decided that I would like to learn to code. Even though you will not be able to see it I am using HTML code for this post. I am very proud of what I have already achieved and look forward to learning more.
I have learned that it is about knowing who you are as a person and being strong enough to say “I don’t care what you think of me, I know who I am and I am happy with that.” So from today I will no longer allow other people to define me and I will make sure that what I do is because it is what is best for me.
Reflection is good for you no matter what religion you are or what culture you are from. I urge everyone to take the time to reflect who who they are and what you want for yourself.
Finally, I would like to wish everyone in the world a Happy New Year, and lets hope that we can make 2020 the best it can be.
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With this in mind, if you have any projects that you would like to be advertised on my blog please contact me at email@example.com
It can be anything from an event, course, conference or product. If you have something you would like to share with the world please contact me and I will share it.
My rates are simple. I can discuss it with you when you make contact. I am just trying to find a way to make some extra money to go towards extras 🙂
I look forward to hearing from you.
What do I like most about being Autistic?
Someone asked what people with autism liked most about being autistic. This is something that gave me some pause to think about it for myself. What do I like best about being autistic?
The truth of the matter for me is that it is not about what I like most about being autistic it is about what makes me me. Because I was only diagnosed at the tender age of 31 I had many years where I thought my oddities were not something to be proud of but something to be ashamed of.
So again I thought about what makes me interesting as a person and I realized that the positive and the negative aspects are linked in together. An example I love trying new things, like coding, however when there is a problem I get held up on it and can’t do anything other than fixing the problem. Before my diagnosis people would tell me this was me being OCD or negative in some other way. Now, however, I take it as part and parcel of my autism. Sometimes it can be good and sometimes it isn’t.
I think there is no simple answer to what my favorite part of being autistic is as I feel it is something that I work on every day. I do what I can and when I can to make sure that what I am doing is for the benefit of me instead of a hindrance. An example of this is I started reaching out to local groups for things to do in the area. Someone suggested something to me which sounded cool but I was terrified of going alone because it would take one miss-step on the bus and I would be in meltdown mode. I could have refused to do this cool thing or I could tell the person what I was concerned about. The upshot of this is that when I am here at my other flat on the day the thing is taking place they will pick me up, take me on the bus and take me back at the end of it so I know the route and everything for the next time I would like to go. This is me doing things that would benefit instead of hinder me.
Again another Sex In The City post and I am sorry to say it’s how I feel.
I am watching Sex in the City and I am up to season 6 and I am up to Alexander Petrovskies. Now despite the ending where he hits Carry and she runs out of the apartment in Paris straight into the arms of Big I.e. happy ending. If there was a guy out there that was a cross between Mr Big, Aiden and Alexander Petrovski then I would be in Heaven.
What I have to say however is Romance dead?
This is a world where Men think that it is ok to break up with people by text, or worse email. This is even if they bother to tell you it’s over. Not unlike Berger.
Was Berger the start of this awful trend? Should we women really be angry at the creators of Sex in the City?
This brings an interesting question for autistic women. If men are set up in all of these categories, the Alexander Petrovskies, the Mr Bigs and the Aidens what chance do we have to understand the dating pool???
Men are complicated to understand but how can we navigate the complications of dating. However, when you have trouble navigating social situations it becomes really tricky.
If you start dating someone how do you stop yourself from making silly mistakes that drive them away?
How do you even discuss the needs you have with a potential new partner. “Hi, sorry I know your being romantic but I dont understand why”. Or “please stop moving shit around, it is my flat”. It is seriously A mind field.
How can we navigate the world of Petrovskis, Big or Aidens? How can we survive the dog eat dog world of dating when the Neurotypical people cant do it either?
I have been wondering what I am like as a person. Since the partial autism diagnosis I have been trying to reconcile who I am as a person and who Spent most of her life knowing I was different to finally knowing why.
As I have been having a throw back moment and watching Sex In The City, I chose to do a which Sex in the City girl are you quiz. Turns out that I am a Carry.
This is a live in the moment person. Someone who wants things in the future but doesn’t obsess about it in the here and now, unless you mess with my stuff, or change my routine or stress me out.
When you have to reconcile different aspects of your life then you have to honestly look at how you can live your life.
In terms of relationships I do not have my Mr Big and haven’t found him yet. I dont think that my Mr Big is ever going to show up. Before I knew I was autistic men haven’t been able to deal with the unknown eccentricities and now I know what cause them it’s a lot harder to find a guy who knows and can deal with it. Safe to say my Mr Big is not out there!
Why is it there are only Mr Bigs for “normal” people? Why do those of us who are not “Normal” have to settle?
So, today has been a bit of a throw back Friday where I have been watching Sex in the City again fro. The get go. It has made me wonder about relationships today.
This world is such a screwed up place. It is a place that if your a woman who is not 5″10 and look as good as Jennifer Lawrence then the likelihood of you being swept off your feet is almost non existent
We live in a world that gorgeous celebrities never end up with the plain Jane’s but other gorgeous celebrities. With this happening in the media on a daily basis how likely is it that a 5″3, overweight average looking person is going to be able to pull a Chris North or Shemar Moore. It just isn’t going to happen.
When did personality become such a stigma to a relationship? Was it ever important in the first place?
It has made me think, I did not win the genetic lottery in the looks department but to ad insult to injury I am also autistic. Where is someone like me going to find a good looking guy who understands that change is a difficult thing, surprises have to be scheduled into my routine, and that I get held up on the small things. To date I have not found this man. I have been on some disastrous blind dates and feel like it is time to give up.
Is my life doomed to be an endless line of relationships that are bad for me? Or am I supposed to compromise on something that I am looking for? Is it just that Neurodiverse people can only date other neurodiverse people?
Relationships are more difficult the more complicated you are.
I guess I have to accept that I dont get the Chris Norths, Shemar Moores, Matthew Gray Gubler, Jackson Rathbones, Robert Davis of this world. I think I am just going to stay single because I know what works for me.
I have been reading why I am drawn to water. It calms me. When I am getting lost in myself, I often find my way to a body of water. Whether it is a canal, a river or just heavy rain puddles. I am very good at getting lost in things that make me smile.
I think it is linked to my autism. I read up on autism and found that autistic people can be drawn to large bodies of water. Glad to know that I have a river opposit my flat yippee!
So, I have been trying to figure out this cooking thing. I was given bits and pieces of the recipe, unfortunately, one of the key parts was missing. Be careful how much sauce you put in.
When you’re autistic it is very difficult to figure out cooking instructions especially those done by chefs. Reduce this to me = pour some out. Separate the eggs, well clearly one went in one corner and another went in the other. So tried this recipe without any instructions I applaud myself, however, instead of Tuna Fish Pie I made Tuna Fish Soup. Literally, I poured it onto the plate instead of dishing it up.
The learning curve, I think I need to do a test on how much source is needed. This is the only way in which I will be able to properly assess how much would make it a good pie instead of a soupy mess…
I have never been too good with cooking so I am working this out as I go. However, I am doing what I can to make it more sensible to me instead of a crazy mess. What I do not like about cooking however is the cleanup :S Sometimes I really wish I had a dishwasher!
To help with the Autism Cause however here is the recipe;
- Preheat the over to 180 degrees
- Peel the skin off the potatoes that you are going to use.
- Bring the potatoes to the boil,
- Leave to simmer on low temperature for 20-30 minutes
- The check is soft with a sharp knife stab the potatoes after.
- Drain the potatoes
- put in a spoon of butter then mash the potatoes.
- Once this is done open a tin of tuna.
- Drain the Tuna
- Depending on how many people you are cooking for put tuna into a bowl. If it is one person go by your love of tuna.
- Add in 1 handful of frozen peas
- Add in a small amount of sauce. It should be enough to cote the Tuna and the pees but not so much that you look like you are making soup.
- Put into an oven dish the tuna, peas, and sauce.
- Add on top the mashed potato
- spread out the mashed potato
- add a layer of cheese on top
- cook for 20-30 minutes in the oven (which you have preheated)