suzefricker@mylifeaccordingtome.org Available all the time, just send me an email and I will get back to you.

Only You can make you happy

So, as I have discussed many a time I was diagnosed as being Autistic at the age of 31. Before then I was getting things wrong in a major way in my life.

I would jump from one relationship to another one. I would get so down in work that I never lasted longer than 3 years. Shortest job I had was 2 months. I could never be happy. Even when I was happy it was limited.

But, in 2018 (after my diagnosis) my longest relationship ended. We ended as friends which is something that I am eternally grateful for. What it also gave me however, was the ability to think what I needed for me. I was struggling with my diagnosis because I had some people talking about how I was acting up to the diagnosis and others who plain refused to admit it. For me it was like I had a weight lifted off of my shoulder which meant that I could actually be myself for the first time in 31 years.

Since then I have learned that only you can make yourself happy. It sounds simple enough and you may find people saying “No Doy”. But this is a hard thing to do. We put so much of our self worth into what other people think of us that we forget that we are all separate and unique individuals. Even in this lock down situation we find it hard to make ourselves happy. But what does it mean to make yourself happy?

For me, it is doing things that I plan to do. So, I took a week off of work and I wanted to deep clean my flat. It has taken me all week, there has been a lot of ouchies but I did it. This makes me happy. I am teaching myself to code and this makes me happy as I am learning a new skill. I watch videos such as SmileSquad online and those guys and gals always make me laugh.. Check it out!. I watch videos by Dhar Mann and those make me happy to watch and I help people where I can even with the limitations that I have and that makes me happy.

Had me and my ex never broken up I don’t know if I would have been able to find this side of me. I was so dependant on him for my own self worth (not in an abusive way) but just because most of our relationship was before my Autism diagnosis that when we broke up I refused to just jump back in to another relationship. Honestly, it has been the best thing to of happened to me. I am now making myself happy and depending on myself for that. 🙂

You can do it to. Find your ways to make yourself happy 🙂

What Social awkwardness and Confusion feels like

#Autism Social awkwardness and confusion is like listening to a joke that you do not understand. You don’t know whether you are supposed to laugh or not and it makes you feel so strange. You don’t want to ask for an explanation because you do not want to look dumb and you don’t know how the joke maker will feel about you asking.

Another way to look at it for all those Trekkie fans out there is that it is like being like Commander Data on the Star Ship Enterprise only instead of wanting to be more Human you want to be more normal. I often find that when I am in groups of people I want to be able to converse like them but I worry that I do not have the capability and I am always scared I will say the right thing, in the wrong way and offend someone. Then I worry that I won’t know that I have offended them. So, just like Commander Data, I look the same as everyone else but I am always striving to be more like everyone else. #Autism can make you feel so alone even in a crowd of people. #StarTrek#BeingNormal

Day 21 Lockdown – Day 14 of quarantine Part 1

So today hopefully will be the last day of quarantine however I have been advised to stay inside anyways because I am prone to Chest Infections. I missed a few days of blogging because I was starting to feel lonely and hopeless but had a long chat with a friend in the states and that revived my spirit of survival.

I have also been thinking about myself and my autism. I have never been good at taking compliments. I have started analyzing why and I have figured it out. I DONT UNDERSTAND COMPLIMENTS! I get complimented at work all the time and I never understand why. For me, I am doing my job and your saying I am a star. I don’t understand because I am doing what I am paid to do.

Has any other person with Autism had this trouble understanding compliments?

DAY 11 PERSONAL LOCKDOWN DAY 3 QUARANTINE part 1

It is 12:07 when I write this so officially into the next day of quarentine. I am starting to feel better if not a little over tired.

The coughing that started on sunday has calmed down alot and the fever is still yoyoing but it is going in the right direction.

My voice is starting to come back if only for my sanity to be going. I spent 20 minutes last night laughing at the fact that no matter which way you break the word viagra down it still sounds like your saying viagra. I broke it down in two ways Vi ag ra and Via gra. That is the state of my sanity atm

Please everyone take this Lockdown seriously. My cousin who has a defect in her heart shows signs of Covid now if she goes down hill it could kill her. We already had to bury her brother from a car accident 5 nearly 6 years ago and now we have to face losing her too. All because people are being asswhole. Pleas do your part.

Stay home, protect the NHS and save lives

Day 8 – Personal Lockdown

So today I developed a cough and what the doctor said was a mild fever – YEAY THE ASTHMATIC HAS COVID SYMPTOMS!!

So on the advice of the NHS 111 service, I have to stay indoors for definite for 14 days. I am on antibiotics, steroids, and asthma inhalers. 14 days I have to figure out how I get my bins put out because I can’t keep the full bins in my flat for 14 days. Don’t think that would be too healthy.

Positive side I have had lots of people offering to help me out whilst I have to stay indoors for 14 days straight. 😦 Need to make sure I get enough sleep and enough liquids to keep my body hydrated.

The outpour of support has been amazing. Even had someone go and collect my medication for me and drop it on my front door for me.

 

 

Day 5 Personal Lockdown

Today has been difficult. I went out for my walk and realised I may be doing worse for myself by going out every day. I don’t think I can have a walk a day and now am worried about what my health is going to be like when this is all over. I have to exercise because otherwise my health will get worse especially my back condition but at the same time I am not getting any support to do the right things.

I have also started to worry about finance. Because I have to stay in my flat alone for a minimum of 3 months I need to buy more food. Usually I would top up once a month as I would be spending some time in London with my family when I had to work in London which I cant do now. Am I going to have enough to survive a whole month. Been trying to see if I was eligible for benefits to help with the increased costs associated for being at home all the time but the website is soooo slow.

I am now starting to worry.

Day 3 & 4 personal lockdown

So, I forgot to blog yesterday so you get 2 days for the price of 1.

Day 3

The day went well enough  my spirit was high and I even went out out for a walk. I have found it really funny that when I couldn’t go out when ever I wanted I could stay in all day and night however now that I can only go out once a day I want to go out.

Day 4

To be honest today I am ashamed of being British. Videos of people cussing out staff in shops who are rationing. Cussing them out for not being able to bulk buy coke I mean wtf.

When we have NHS staff who are living away from their families to protect them and keep working and then people sunbathing on Shepherds Bush Green… IT IS SHAMEFULL.

Write more tomorrow.

Day 2 – Personal Lockdown.

So today, I got to go outside. Not too far but Sainsbury’s was opening the first hour to people with disabilities which meant I could actually get some FOOD! I know novel concept people needing food :S

Since then I worked my hours but I made sure that I took breaks. Knowing that I would not be going out other than checking the post my plan is to take breaks to do things around the house.

The first break I took was for lunch. I made myself pancakes :S it was messy but I actually took like 40-minute lunch break… This is unheard of for me. Then this afternoon when my emails went quiet I went and did all my washing up. I think this is going to help me not lose my marbles. I also think I may have to start work earlier because my flat seems to get hot in the afternoon. Last check it was at 28 degrees so if I start work earlier I can be finished before it gets this hot again.

I won’t be going outside except for checking the post and maybe to get some fresh air in the courtyard.

Remember everyone where ever possible keep yourself safe and sane. Stay at home and help kick Covid’s ass.

 

Day 1 – Personal lockdown.

As I said previously I am basically locking myself away as much as possible so that I reduce the risk of catching the Corona Virus. Today is the first full day of it.

I came back to my flat in Kent yesterday and to be honest, after all the traveling I was a bit too tired to do anything.

Today I had two facetime calls with friends which were absolutely amazing 🙂 part of it was me wanting to make sure they were ok and the other part was me needing some interaction.

I have started cleaning today and doing some organizing. My goal for the end of the day is to make sure that I am set up for starting to work tomorrow AND to be completely unpacked from 2 and a bit weeks in London. It is important to make sure that I find something to do each day.

Tomorrow, I will be attending Sainsbury’s tomorrow morning at 08:00 so that I can get bread. I need to make sure that I have my disabled person ID card and my photo card so that they can prove that I am a disabled person who is entitled to the early shop. I will be interested to see how it all looks tomorrow morning. If I look out of the window and see large crowds I may have to just say screw it and stay indoors. I need to make sure that I am kept safe and not exacerbating my spinal problems.

Then I will be doing a full day of work and then find something to clean.

 

Autism & PTSD

Today I am posting about something that I am finding a little hard to speak about but, I find that blogging helps me to get things straight in my head and I know I can’t be the only person who is going through this as well.

From a previous post you will know that my mother and I helped out on 14/06/2017 when the Grenfell Tower fire happened and for years following I hid what I was going through from even myself. Until I basically exploded last year and I realised I could not go on ignoring it any more. I have now been diagnosed with PTSD from the fire and am starting a long journey to deal with this.

As I have started bringing the symptoms into the foreground I have found that I am noticing things more. I think I always noticed them but, my subconscious held onto it so I was less aware.

This has lead to an unfortunate incident at work which mortified me. On Thursday I was on the early train to London from where I live. I have done that journey so many times that I didn’t think that there would be a problem. Unfortunately, between two stations there was a large spark. I don’t know if it was large because at the time I was travelling it was still dark outside or whether it was because something had happened but I went into hyper-vigilance mode. Then at the next station someone who smoked got onto the train. I didn’t hear this person get on the train because I had my music on but smelled the smoke that had lingered on her. Hyper vigilance went up once again.

I finally got off of the train and was so anxious that I had to sit down. I finally went onto work and started work there. What I didn’t realise is that I had started the day off at an 8 or a 9 on the over stimulated side of the autism side. I did not make the connection. Because I did not make the connection I was unable to do things to calm myself down and by the end of the day my Deputy Directer pulled me to one side and said, “I think you may be over stimulated”. It finally clicked that that was happening. I realised that I was cranked up to an 11 or 12 for most of the day and I was soo tied. I honestly felt mortified because when it is just a normal over stimulation I am able to take the breaks I need and be OK but, because I had started the day over stimulated due to the PTSD I was blinded to it.

When I got home I agreed to start work after I had seen my therapist on Friday and that is how the link was made and I explained it to my Deputy Director when I logged in.

The next couple of weeks with my therapists we are going to look at coping strategies for me. Things that might help me click that PTSD and Autism are co mingling again and ways to get out of the “nowness” of these symptoms especially whilst I am at work.

What I want to say to all Autistic people out there who are struggling with PTSD too is to not blame yourself when these things happen. You can deal with the symptoms and you can survive. It does not make you weak asking for help and it certainly is not something to be ashamed off. Be strong and know that you are not alone.

Thank you for reading

Open letter to Children with Disabilities

Dear child,

I know you wish you were like all the other kids in school. You wish that you were not different. You wish that the comments would stop and that you would be accepted for who you are.

I know that when you get up in the morning wishing you could stay in bed and pray that you could stay safe. I know at times you feel so low that you want to die.

I know how you feel because I was you. I was picked on and bullied my entire school life, unfortunately for me it wasn’t until I was an adult and late late teens that I found out what made me different but it hurt. The comments that kids made, the names I got called and sometimes even physical violence. I just wanted it to end. I didn’t know how to bring the subject up with anyone because when I did things got worse. So, I internalised it all.

But, I want you to hang in there. No matter what makes you different you are special. No matter what you deal with on a day to day in school it can get better. It is hard to see the light right now but it is there and you can be who ever you want to be. You can get a college degree and you can have a career and those bullies you dealt with in school are likely to find out the hard way what Disability is. When they have to deal with it either in themselves or in the family they love they will realise and regret the choices they made. They will remember you forever because they will regret it and you will not remember them.

The light may seem far off but don’t loose hope. Don’t let the bullies win. Because everything you are going through now is giving you more strength to go out and get what you want.

Your family love you and you are loved by people who don’t even know you.

Find your strength and fight on through the pain and through the hurt because what is waiting on the other side is acceptance, love and understanding.

Bullies can only win if you let them. So fight hard every day to prove that you are the awesome person that you are.

Prayer, love and support going out to you and all children who have a Disability x you are all loved x

From

Me

Food & Autism

When you are autistic you can have some peculiar eating issues.

Some people can not let their food touch, other people have to eat their food in certain orders, and most have issues with textures of food. What I have found realizing my issues with food are linked with my autism I have noticed that people really do take for granted what they eat.

I learned from an early age I have an issue with meat. I can not stand the texture of most meat is most formats. Because of this, I had to dabble in vegetarianism. However, this is not a hard and fast rule. So, I can deal with corned beef when it is completely mashed up into a corned beef hash. I can handle mince if it is not fresh or too long, essentially it has to be small enough that when cooked it can just be swallowed if I have to chew it then it is not good. I can not handle roast anything. I hate the texture and I hate anything that is still in the form of the animal it was. I can’t eat it. It becomes a chewy mess in my mouth and my body will not let me swallow it.

But again, it is not just meat that I have an issue with. I can’t eat egg in any format I find the texture horrible and taste even worse. Essentially if you want me to eat an egg you need to drown it in BBQ Sauce and I mean DROWN it. Brown bread I hate the texture so I can’t eat it. Broccoli, cauliflower, (tree veggies) you will never find me eating them Quiche HELL NO and the list goes on. It is a problem of texture and taste for me. Mostly the texture of it but sometimes it is both.

So, when I see people make HUGE plates of food and then throw half of it out it breaks my heart. When you have problems with food, you really realize how much actually goes to waste in the world. I try not to waste so when I make a big pan of anything I will portion it up so I had risotto twice in a row this week because I was not about to throw half of it out.

It can get me down because I struggle with cooking and it is harder to find recipes that are for vegetarians which keeps out the food I cant handle. I would love to learn recipes that would work for me but I am not sure they exist. My dream would be to fly out to LA, spend one on one time with a top chef *cough* Anne Burrell*Cough* or others like Bobby Flay, Alton Brown, Tyler Florence, Robert Irvine or Beau MacMillan *Cough* Anne Burrell *Cough* I think his name is and give them a list of what I cant make, what I can’t eat and work out some simple dishes that would A give me better skills in the kitchen but also be healthy for me.

Cooking and food are a big passion for me but it is also my biggest pain. The world of Autism is not great. You do your best to bring the positives to the surface but the bad stuff like issues with food can always bring you down.

 

Public Vs Private

I was just in the shower thinking about this and felt that I had to share. Before I went into the shower I read yet another story about how terrible Meghan Markle is and how she is causing problems for the Royals. I just thought who cares. But also I thought why are people judging her so harshly?

We all seem to lead two lives. We lead one life in public and the other in private. One life gets seen on social media and the other one doesn’t. Don’t get me wrong if any of these stories are true then she and all the Royals from what I have read should be ashamed of themselves. The stories don’t paint any of them in a good light and that is not even factoring in the historical one which is Prince Charles and his mistress turned wife.

Then it got me thinking if we are living two lives (one in public and online and one in private) how can we as autistic people really navigate the world? It becomes harder and harder to guage what people actually want. Honestly sometimes I feel like screaming.

So let me tell you a story. Before I got diagnosed I entered the world of work. I knew I had to be a good employee. I knew my interpretation of what a good student had not faired me well but I was determined to be a good employee. But I had no idea about what that was. So from what I had guessed from my parents and TV I put a persona together that I thought was what a good employee was. It worked well, until it didn’t. I was so far from being who I was and it almost destroyed me when I thought about things like, why did I struggle with Christmas Meals? Why could I not last more than a year or two in employment? I felt defective. I felt like a failure. My public image seemed to be a failure.

Skip ahead to 2018 when I got my diagnosis and everything clicked. I had struggled with Christmas do’s because I did not feel comfortable with the people I worked with and struggled to interact with them. I struggled to build relationships with people because I could not understand their intentions. Suddenly I felt less of a failure and more inspired.

From the date of my diagnosis I made a vow. I would drop that persona that had failed me in the past and I would just be me. I would learn about what made me me and live as openly and honestly as I could. When I wsa getting over stimulated I would make it known so I could take the breaks I needed. I now educate my team on what works for me and what doesn’t. Even today, a colleague kept saying give me a second, give me a minute, I will call you in 5 minutes. So, I said to him it is best not to say that to me because I was timing those time periods and then shut my skype off after because you didn’t call. He honestly hadn’t realised it was something that might get to me..

I am not saying to be someone or something your not in public. What I am saying is bring as much of your private self into your public self or vice versa (depending on which side is the nice side of you) This way, you will be happy with what you put out there and less people will critise you.

Helpful tip for autistic people on social stupidity (my name for it as I hate saying socially awkward) Find someone who is not on the spectrum that you trust. When you have something that you do not understand you have a trusted person you know to steer you in the right direction. It is so important that you have someone like this you can speak to so that you don’t make bad choices this especially goes for dealing with the opposite sex. I have about two of three people I can go to that I can speak with and know they will give me impartial advice on what is a good course of action if I do not know what I should do.

Honestly without my goto neuro-typical people I may of made a bad mistake today :S

sory for the ramble I needed to get this out before I went to sleep.

We have a THING!

I have often wondered about the different communities we find ourselves in and wonder how we all survive. What I have realised is we all have a thing.

Now for the purposes of this conversation I call communities based around gender, sexual orientation, religion, disability, ethnic background. Each of these communities exist for each characteristic. I do not mean community as in where you live.

For a long time I used to think that the disability community did not have a thing. The thing is the one thing that you can say but people who do not belong to your community can’t because they don’t understand it.

I started buddying up with a disabled colleague who was having a hard time at work. We try and catch up once a week to see how the other is doing and make sure that the world has not exploded. Today she was telling me about an awful screw up her doctors had made with her medication. I couldn’t help but laugh because I had been in a similar situation with a dodgy GP previously.

As I usually do because of being autistic I said “sorry I should not of laughed”. Mainly because I was not sure whether it was acceptable. I get nervous, even with friends, whether I am doing or saying the wrong thing. Now that I know I deal with Autism, I know understand why I struggle but doesn’t make it easier now that I do not have a support worker guiding me through these things.

Anyway she turned round and said, “If someone without disabilities had laughed I would have told them off, but I bet you know where I am coming from”. I explained that I did and told her what had happened to me and we giggled for about 10 minutes about the whole thing.

It did get me thinking however, this is something that the disabled community has as our thing. We can laugh at, or make jokes about our conditions whether its something like dyslexia or fibromyalgia. We can laugh at it but those who do not have it, they cant because they don’t know what it is like to deal with these condition.

However, I ask, has it become too taboo that we can’t make fun of ourselves to make us laugh?

I deal with mental health issues, when I have a bad day or when I see someone is uncomfortable about talking to me about it I make a joke about it. I tend to do this a lot. I get called crazy a lot (mostly from when I am having over stimulated moments I tend to go a bit Cray Cray) but to make someone feel at ease I say “I am not crazy, I am depressed. I don’t take anti-crazy pills I take anti-depressants.” This tends to get the conversation started. I even know the official medical diagnosis of depression so I can give as many facts as I can to people.

However, for every person who becomes comfortable talking about mental health from talking to me in the way I do, you have at least 1 out of every 10 conversations where I am told “You should not laugh at your mental health, it is serious”. I tend to think that these people either have not had to deal with mental health or if they do then they subscribe to the “mental health is a shameful topic” theory.

Has the world become so PC that we can’t talk about things that affect us how we want?

If anyone struggles with disability either theirs of a friend and needs some tips on how to broach the subject please email me at suzefricker@hotmail.com The email at the top of the page does not work so use the one here.

I am not a campaigner

I am not a campaigner!

I know this statement sounds strange but the truth is I am not. I do not believe the world owes me something because I am autistic, dyslexic, with depression and spinal problems. I know the world does not work in a way where those in need get what they need. However, some people think that because I blog that I am a campaigner.

The truth behind what I do however, is not so much campaigning but more PR.

The disabled community has two things against them.

The first thing is that when someone with disabilities wants to work it is hard to find someone who will hire them. Obviously work places can not discriminate on disability grounds but we all know that if two candidates with the same qualifications and experience go for a job, it is more likely that the one without disabilities will get the job.

Then if someone with a disability gets a job they lose the support that they need to survive from the government. There are benefits that I could be on with advice given to me that if I stopped working I could get them. But unless I am willing to give up work I am not allowed them. How fair is this? Your telling someone who wants to work who would be entitled to the benefit that they have to loose the purpose in their life to get the help they need.

The other thing we have against us is our own community. There are people out there juts like in all communities who will say “fuck it I am disabled I don’t have to ever work again”. Because of this attitude when they are made to work they leave such a bad taste in their employers mouths that the next person who has that disability will get “oh no not another one”.

So what can we do?

I choose to role model myself in to how I would like people to view me both personally and professionally. I tell my team what sets me off, what of me can be changed and what can’t and I have open and honest dialogue with people.

I tell everyone that if I do something to upset you then I need them to explain it to me not just say “oh she is autistic” or “she has depression”. This works for no one.

I am as open and honest as I know how to be so that when the next person has my job, if they have depression, autism, physical disabilities, dyslexia the word my team say is not going to be “oh not another one” but in fact “Yes we have another one”.

Only we can change how people view us. Only we can show them that we are as good as those without disability. We don’t need campaigners, we need people willing to go out and show the world, disability does not mean we are useless.

So my challenge to all those with disabilities. Go out, find a way to show the world the amazing things that you can do. Show the world your amazing gifts that your disability gives you. We all have something. Don’t hide it but show the world the amazingness that is you.

Doing Good

Doing Good Does Not Have to be Difficult

Today I managed to do something that made me feel good. I had a £10 voucher left from a Christmas bonus I got this year.

Whilst I was shopping for some food, because I have been held up in my flat due to illness I met someone who I noticed that the person would not be classed as a “typical” person. I noticed that they seemed to have issues with inappropriate conversation. Instead of shooing her away I continued to talk to her and finished my shopping with her.

After I finished shopping I was able to talk to her some more and she told me she was having a hard time. I went into my purse and pulled out the voucher and asked her if she shopped at Iceland. She said that she did so I gave it to her. I don’t really use Iceland very much so the voucher was sitting in my purse grabbing dust.

I am only telling you this because doing good does not have to be something that you have to kill yourself over. I did good today by showing kindness to a stranger who I identified with. All it cost me was a voucher i was not going to use.

When you do something nice for people then you will get good vibes back in your direction. When you do good it feels goods and you are sharing goodness with the world. In a world of uncertainty, pain and suffering we should all do our part to bring a little joy into the world.

Through the support I got when I had a support worker and people I work with I have managed to learn certain things which are inappropriate to talk about to a stranger and this is how I notice it sometimes in others.

So do what you can to make your life good and bring what joy you can in to the world and we will be the light in the troubled times.

THIS IS ME

I re-watched The Greatest Showman again tonight and again, like most people around the world I found an affinity with the movie and the songs. So, tonight I want to share my promise to myself I made after watching this inspirational movie again.

Every time I have had a new diagnosis I have always felt like I was defective. Why do I have depression? Why am I dyslexic? Why did my spine have to get crooked? But the opposit is true for my autism diagnosis. Before diagnosis I felt like I was defective. I did not understand why I was so different to everyone else especially when it came to reacting to things, or the trouble I got myself in during my WILD CHILD days.

I could not understand who I was but when I was diagnosed things came into perspective for me. It was like a weight was lifted off of my shoulders and I could say to the world THIS IS ME. However this has not been without trials and tribulations in itself.

I have faced hatred and ignorance because I come from a generation where girls were not autistic and this has come through from social media and people I have known for years and years (pre diagnosis). Because of the diagnosis I felt freedom and through these mean and horrid people I felt that I was being forced back into a box that stifled me for years.

When I watched the Greatest Showman and the song This is Me came on i honestly felt like I was going to cry especially with these lyrics;

But I won’t let them break me down to dust
I know that there’s a place for us
For we are glorious

When the sharpest words wanna cut me down
I’m gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out
I am brave, I am bruised
I am who I’m meant to be, this is me
Look out ’cause here I come
And I’m marching on to the beat I drum
I’m not scared to be seen
I make no apologies, this is me

So the promise I am making to myself is simply this. When those people who hate on me or show their ignorance because they think they know who I am and what I really feel like and go through each day try and put me back in that box. I will not let them. THIS IS ME

I am an Autistic,Dyslexic, who also has Depression and Spinal Problems.I risk meltdowns in public places when they are busy. I get over stimulated and go a bit Cray Cray until I do something to calm me. I have days when I don’t want to get out of bed, or days when I physically cant without crying. My spelling always needs to be spell checked and I take things very literally at times. But ladies and gents guess what? THIS IS ME and if you don’t like it you know where the door is!

I urge everyone who is different to read this and take it on board. You are you, if you hide that from the world you are depriving people of an amazing gift of you. March to your own drum and do not apologize for it. You are who you are and anyone who wants to stifle that does not deserve your company.

My life

The Joys of Me

So over the weekend I did a post about disability advice. Well today I am going to say I hate being injured. When I reinjured my shoulders I had to go through a lot more pain now.

I now have to use a sling on which ever arm hurts the most. This is really starting to reek havoc on my day to day life.

I tried to do some shopping and honestly pushing a trolly around with one hand was a pain in the ass and very difficult to do.

However, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. When I went to the shops today a woman freaked out that she did not have any money for the trolly. I went into my purse and found I had an extra £1. I gave it to her.

When I was done shopping she had been waiting for me and tried to give it back to me. I told her to keep it. If she then found someone in need she should give it to them. She went and brought an envelope and put the £1 in it. She labelled it “for future help”.

This just shows that if you are having a rough day with your disabilities, there is always someone who may be in need. So when you get help, make sure that you pay it forward. It is pretty easy to forget in this day and age to forget to be nice. The smallest act of kindness can make the biggest difference. So make sure that you dont forget about it.

We are Stewards of the World

I am a Citizen of the World

I have long considered myself out of place and out of time. Just because I am Autistic I have decided that the reason I feel out of place is because I am a citizen not just of my country of birth, but of the world

I feel deeply for those who struggle not just here but across the globe. I hurt when I see the pain that other people are going through whether it is from natural disaster or through circumstance. I cant make the hurt stop however, what I can do is call for help

So because of this I want to call out to everyone. No matter what Religion you are be it Christian, Buddist, Muslim, Jewish or something else, we are stewards of the world. This even applies to those who are people of no faith. We are supposed to look after and protect the world and we have failed to do so.

So my call out is to everyone. What we are seeing in Australia at the moment is total devastation. Homes and lives are being lost and our first responders are doing the best they can. The Military is doing the best they can but they need our help. What ever you can do to help those affected by the Bushfires please do so.

Look at the red cross, look for things that can help these people who have lost everything, The trees and the environment that has been destroyed, the wildlife that could be extinct because of these fires. We need to do something to help everyone. We are stewards of this world and we are all human. I dont care about political views but we need to help these people.

Coding & Me

What makes coding special to me?

Coding is something that I am finding very relaxing.

When your brain is so chaotic as mine, coding gives me a sense of something that makes me feel safe. When you have two neurodiverse conditions which are by their nature polar opposites of each other, you mind can be a crowded and messy place. This is what I live with on the day to day

Coding brings me a certain amount of relaxation when my world is going crazy and there is nothing I can do to stop it

It also gives me something to focus on. When I am unable to sleep, or having stress, coding gives me that focus I need to get through.

There is something so elegant about coding. It never lies. It works or it doesn’t. If it doesn’t it gives you a mission for find out why it is not working. This is a challenge.

I would recommend finding a project that you can work on if you are Autistic. It can give you a sense of purpose in a crazy world that we find ourselves in.

Anyway I will leave it ther for now.

My Peace

My peace of mind

How do I draw Peace in a Chaotic mind?

I often get asked how I draw peace in the chaos of my mind? How do I calm myself both as an autistic person as well as a Christian woman as well. The truth is is that I often find peace in a certain Psalm. The Psalm I refer to is Psalm 23 and I will share it with you now

The Lord is my Shepherd, I lack nothing;

He makes me lie down in green pastures;

he leads me beside quiet waters;

He guides me along the right paths for his name’s sake;

Even though I walk through the darkest valley;

I will fear no evil;

For you are with me;

Your rod and your staff they comfort me;

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;

You anoint my head with oil;

My cup overflows

Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life;

And I will dwell in the house of the Lord, forever;

This Psalm is something that always has stayed with me and been a calming influence on me when growing up. It shows that no matter what happens God will take care of me. Even, if it does not seem like it now I will be rewarded when I see him at the end of my road where ever that may be. When you grow up with a mind a chaotic as mine, with un-diagnosed autism it is really easy to wonder why everything happens to you but this Psalm no matter how chaotic my life is it brings me back

Christmas Break

Holidays, a time for reflection

As I am seriously bad at taking holidays, I tend to take the bulk of it at Christmas. It gives you a proper chance to reflect of the year just gone and the new one that is due to start

This year that has just gone has been a year of ups and downs. I moved into my own place for the first time and so far I have far exceeded my streak of living alone. I have been single for a whole year and enjoyed the time by myself.

So what did I need to reflect on you may ask? Well the answer to that is honestly how I see myself and how I am going to go about getting to the places I want to get to. I have just been coasting this last year and I think it is time that I really look at what I want. I need to look at what I want on both a personal and professional level and figure out how I am going to achieve this.

One of the things I have learned over this Christmas period is what really keeps me calm when it comes to my autism. PROJECTS!!!With this in mind I have decided that I would like to learn to code. Even though you will not be able to see it I am using HTML code for this post. I am very proud of what I have already achieved and look forward to learning more.

I have learned that it is about knowing who you are as a person and being strong enough to say “I don’t care what you think of me, I know who I am and I am happy with that.” So from today I will no longer allow other people to define me and I will make sure that what I do is because it is what is best for me.

Reflection is good for you no matter what religion you are or what culture you are from. I urge everyone to take the time to reflect who who they are and what you want for yourself.

Finally, I would like to wish everyone in the world a Happy New Year, and lets hope that we can make 2020 the best it can be.

Advertising

Advertising on my site

I need to find a way to make money! I need to be able to support myself and keep up the membership I have with WordPress which will be expiring in September 2020.

With this in mind, if you have any projects that you would like to be advertised on my blog please contact me at suzefricker@hotmail.com

It can be anything from an event, course, conference or product. If you have something you would like to share with the world please contact me and I will share it.

My rates are simple. I can discuss it with you when you make contact. I am just trying to find a way to make some extra money to go towards extras 🙂

I look forward to hearing from you.

Autism

What do I like most about being Autistic?

Someone asked what people with autism liked most about being autistic. This is something that gave me some pause to think about it for myself. What do I like best about being autistic?

The truth of the matter for me is that it is not about what I like most about being autistic it is about what makes me me. Because I was only diagnosed at the tender age of 31 I had many years where I thought my oddities were not something to be proud of but something to be ashamed of.

So again I thought about what makes me interesting as a person and I realized that the positive and the negative aspects are linked in together. An example I love trying new things, like coding, however when there is a problem I get held up on it and can’t do anything other than fixing the problem. Before my diagnosis people would tell me this was me being OCD or negative in some other way. Now, however, I take it as part and parcel of my autism. Sometimes it can be good and sometimes it isn’t.

I think there is no simple answer to what my favorite part of being autistic is as I feel it is something that I work on every day. I do what I can and when I can to make sure that what I am doing is for the benefit of me instead of a hindrance. An example of this is I started reaching out to local groups for things to do in the area. Someone suggested something to me which sounded cool but I was terrified of going alone because it would take one miss-step on the bus and I would be in meltdown mode. I could have refused to do this cool thing or I could tell the person what I was concerned about. The upshot of this is that when I am here at my other flat on the day the thing is taking place they will pick me up, take me on the bus and take me back at the end of it so I know the route and everything for the next time I would like to go. This is me doing things that would benefit instead of hinder me.

The Alexander Petrovskies in the world

Again another Sex In The City post and I am sorry to say it’s how I feel.

I am watching Sex in the City and I am up to season 6 and I am up to Alexander Petrovskies. Now despite the ending where he hits Carry and she runs out of the apartment in Paris straight into the arms of Big I.e. happy ending. If there was a guy out there that was a cross between Mr Big, Aiden and Alexander Petrovski then I would be in Heaven.

What I have to say however is Romance dead?

This is a world where Men think that it is ok to break up with people by text, or worse email. This is even if they bother to tell you it’s over. Not unlike Berger.

Was Berger the start of this awful trend? Should we women really be angry at the creators of Sex in the City?

This brings an interesting question for autistic women. If men are set up in all of these categories, the Alexander Petrovskies, the Mr Bigs and the Aidens what chance do we have to understand the dating pool???

Men are complicated to understand but how can we navigate the complications of dating. However, when you have trouble navigating social situations it becomes really tricky.

If you start dating someone how do you stop yourself from making silly mistakes that drive them away?

How do you even discuss the needs you have with a potential new partner. “Hi, sorry I know your being romantic but I dont understand why”. Or “please stop moving shit around, it is my flat”. It is seriously A mind field.

How can we navigate the world of Petrovskis, Big or Aidens? How can we survive the dog eat dog world of dating when the Neurotypical people cant do it either?

I’m a Carry

I have been wondering what I am like as a person. Since the partial autism diagnosis I have been trying to reconcile who I am as a person and who Spent most of her life knowing I was different to finally knowing why.

As I have been having a throw back moment and watching Sex In The City, I chose to do a which Sex in the City girl are you quiz. Turns out that I am a Carry.

This is a live in the moment person. Someone who wants things in the future but doesn’t obsess about it in the here and now, unless you mess with my stuff, or change my routine or stress me out.

When you have to reconcile different aspects of your life then you have to honestly look at how you can live your life.

In terms of relationships I do not have my Mr Big and haven’t found him yet. I dont think that my Mr Big is ever going to show up. Before I knew I was autistic men haven’t been able to deal with the unknown eccentricities and now I know what cause them it’s a lot harder to find a guy who knows and can deal with it. Safe to say my Mr Big is not out there!

Why is it there are only Mr Bigs for “normal” people? Why do those of us who are not “Normal” have to settle?

Relationships and the untold truth

So, today has been a bit of a throw back Friday where I have been watching Sex in the City again fro. The get go. It has made me wonder about relationships today.

This world is such a screwed up place. It is a place that if your a woman who is not 5″10 and look as good as Jennifer Lawrence then the likelihood of you being swept off your feet is almost non existent

We live in a world that gorgeous celebrities never end up with the plain Jane’s but other gorgeous celebrities. With this happening in the media on a daily basis how likely is it that a 5″3, overweight average looking person is going to be able to pull a Chris North or Shemar Moore. It just isn’t going to happen.

When did personality become such a stigma to a relationship? Was it ever important in the first place?

It has made me think, I did not win the genetic lottery in the looks department but to ad insult to injury I am also autistic. Where is someone like me going to find a good looking guy who understands that change is a difficult thing, surprises have to be scheduled into my routine, and that I get held up on the small things. To date I have not found this man. I have been on some disastrous blind dates and feel like it is time to give up.

Is my life doomed to be an endless line of relationships that are bad for me? Or am I supposed to compromise on something that I am looking for? Is it just that Neurodiverse people can only date other neurodiverse people?

Relationships are more difficult the more complicated you are.

I guess I have to accept that I dont get the Chris Norths, Shemar Moores, Matthew Gray Gubler, Jackson Rathbones, Robert Davis of this world. I think I am just going to stay single because I know what works for me.

Autism and water

I have been reading why I am drawn to water. It calms me. When I am getting lost in myself, I often find my way to a body of water. Whether it is a canal, a river or just heavy rain puddles. I am very good at getting lost in things that make me smile.

I think it is linked to my autism. I read up on autism and found that autistic people can be drawn to large bodies of water. Glad to know that I have a river opposit my flat yippee!

Tuna Fish Soup!

So, I have been trying to figure out this cooking thing. I was given bits and pieces of the recipe, unfortunately, one of the key parts was missing. Be careful how much sauce you put in.

When you’re autistic it is very difficult to figure out cooking instructions especially those done by chefs. Reduce this to me = pour some out. Separate the eggs, well clearly one went in one corner and another went in the other. So tried this recipe without any instructions I applaud myself, however, instead of Tuna Fish Pie I made Tuna Fish Soup. Literally, I poured it onto the plate instead of dishing it up.

The learning curve, I think I need to do a test on how much source is needed. This is the only way in which I will be able to properly assess how much would make it a good pie instead of a soupy mess…

I have never been too good with cooking so I am working this out as I go. However, I am doing what I can to make it more sensible to me instead of a crazy mess. What I do not like about cooking however is the cleanup :S Sometimes I really wish I had a dishwasher!

To help with the Autism Cause however here is the recipe;

  1. Preheat the over to 180 degrees
  2. Peel the skin off the potatoes that you are going to use.
  3. Bring the potatoes to the boil,
  4. Leave to simmer on low temperature for 20-30 minutes
  5. The check is soft with a sharp knife stab the potatoes after.
  6. Drain the potatoes
  7. put in a spoon of butter then mash the potatoes.
  8. Once this is done open a tin of tuna.
  9. Drain the Tuna
  10. Depending on how many people you are cooking for put tuna into a bowl. If it is one person go by your love of tuna.
  11. Add in 1 handful of frozen peas
  12. Add in a small amount of sauce. It should be enough to cote the Tuna and the pees but not so much that you look like you are making soup.
  13. Put into an oven dish the tuna, peas, and sauce.
  14. Add on top the mashed potato
  15. spread out the mashed potato
  16. add a layer of cheese on top
  17. cook for 20-30 minutes in the oven (which you have preheated)
  18. Serve