suzefricker@mylifeaccordingtome.org Available all the time, just send me an email and I will get back to you.

Why I am so Stressed

So I have been sending some rather stressed messages on social media and now I need to explain why. Everything that I am going through at the moment costs money and now I need to get support in things that I need help with because I have been denied permission to get a service dog. So here is a list of things I need to pay for;

  1. £1800 to pay off my abusers and be able to cut the strings so I no longer need to spend part of my week there 😦
  2. £3000 to find a new place and pay first and last month’s rent where I will be allowed to apply and get a service dog.
  3. £3000 to cover any possible damages at my current flat
  4. £3000 to arrange for movers to pack up and move me
  5. £10,000 to cover travel to and from London
  6. £1560 to arrange for home care help for the cleaning that I am unable to do myself without the help of a service dog
  7. £4000 to replace the furniture that I am in need of which includes a wardrobe, chest of drawers, bed as I do not have a wardrobe, my chest of drawers is broken and my bed is broken. I also need to find a bed that is easier for me to get in and out of.
  8. £1000 for adaptions for my flat
  9. £7000 to get myself out of the debt I got myself in so that I can finally start saving so that money could go towards supporting myself properly.
  10. £5000 to take classes to learn to do things and get life skills to learn how to cook, properly manage my money, etc.

All of this is what I need to pay out for and I have nothing. How do I pay for this stuff with nothing? Who do I turn too? Who can help me? I need help and after months of trying to get help crowd funding I have finally given up. No one is going to help me. So now I have to struggle alone 😦 my walls are closing in and I wonder why I fight so hard. If I could I would just run away. But I can’t do that. I can’t just start again. I almost wish I was in a real witness protection programme that way I would get a new identity and could start again. But no one will help me.

Abuse victims are on our own.

Autistic abuse victims are on our own

depressed autistic abuse victims are on our own.

No one out there cares to help when we are in need. They don’t know what it’s like to be told your worthless so much that you believe it. To have your own family judge you not because of what you knowingly do but because of things you have no control over. To have the people who supposedly love you judge you because you were brave enough to say something is wrong and be proved right.

I am all alone.

My Witness Protection

So we all know that every country has their own form of Witness Protection for those people who are either bad guys turning evidence or good guys testifying on something horrific that they have seen. We have seen it in the movies, on television shows, and heard about it from people.

It is something that we all know about and is almost like a boogyman story for those travelling to another country.

However, there is no such thing available for people who have suffered abuse so how do we survive when you break free from an abusive person?

I live now in what I call My Own Witness Protection.

The first thing I did was make sure that the person who caused the abuse, the one I can actually do something about, did not know where I lived. I moved somewhere that was so opposite to where I lived before that he would not think of looking for me here.

The second thing I did was resign myself to the fact there are going to be certain placed in the UK that I would never be able to work. This is because the risk of seeing the abuser would be too great. So when I am looking at jobs, I rule out those places immediately.

The third thing I did was change my number. He cant contact me if he does not have my number. On top of this I spent days making sure I had anonymity on my social media and looking to see if he had an account. If he did I would block him immediately. This step was also one of the hardest because it meant going through people I knew and cutting off contact with anyone who knew my ex and I did not trust. I think I kept one person who I could trust not to talk to my ex about me. This step again is hard because you have to regularly assess the danger any contact adding you may be to you and your personal safety. It can be lonely at times.

Lastly I am always vigilant when I am travelling to and from work. When at work I tell my office that if my ex turns up asking for me that they are to tell him I am not in. It is the only way to keep myself sane and safe.

I have not had any help doing this. I have done it all on my own. I wish I did have help or a way to you know make me 100% safe but that takes money and I don’t have it. So I will always have to remain in my witness protection.

The key thing that You always have to remember when you are making your witness protection is that you cant let it change who you are as a person. That is so important! Because if you let it change you then your abuser has won. He or she has successfully ruined your life because you are not the same person you were. Because of this I find ways to help people. Sometimes it involves big gestures and other times, its the small gestures. Like today, I went to get some shopping. There was a man with a cane behind me. I had a lot and he only had 3 things so I let him go ahead of me. Even though I was struggling being one handed he needed to go first. My ex will never take that away from me. I refuse to let him take my kindness from me, or take away my willingness to help others. I just refuse.

I will help anyone in need set up their own witness protection if they need it. If you do not know where to start message me and I will help you.

If you are going through abuse, you are not alone and you deserve better then what you are getting now.