IM DESPERATE FOR HELP

Once again I am asking the world for help. It is really not nice for me asking for help because honestly, I am usually the one giving it. So here is why you should help me on gofundme by either donating or sharing my link.

Why I need the money:

I need to move to keep myself safe from an ex who was and if allowed to continue to be emotionally abusive. He is a man who continued to treat me as something he could pick up and drop at the flip of a coin. He messed with my head so much that even now I struggle to believe I am worth someone good. I can’t change where I work but I can change where I live and this money would go towards helping me move somewhere safe and still be able to afford to get to work etc.

Why Should you help me:

I am a good person. You may think yea yea we hear this a lot but I am.

Even though I could, I work despite my disabilities and mentor people who have the same disabilities as me so that they can be confident to work as well.

I started my own campaign to make sure men and women who serve and protect communities, cities, and countries know that they are appreciated for all they do.

I volunteer with a military charity and write to active service men and women who are stationed away from home to help keep their morale up.

I help anyone in need. Recently been supporting a neighbor who has been going through hell with someone who was causing her serious stress and putting her in danger. I helped someone else out of a bad domestic abuse situation including making sure she was safe when she didn’t feel it.

I have never asked for praise for anything I do because I don’t do it for praise but for the fact that I want to make the world a nicer place to live.

So what now?

Please donate to my go fund me page: https://www.gofundme.com/4t77nm-my-first-home I really need your help. If you can’t afford to donate, please share my link. I am getting desperate. I need to move.

I am an Autistic with dyslexia, depression and spinal problems living in a situation where I want to cry almost daily and jump at any noise I hear when traveling. Please help me.

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Meltdown – remembering

So because today I have been recovering from my meltdown yesterday, I have been thinking about my childhood. Obviously, I was not diagnosed with my autism until very later in my adult life and I have pushed things to the back of my mind but today I have been thinking about all the random times.

There are two that I currently remember. Once when my mum decided that my sister and I had to walk to school on our own. I was thrown because she had never done this before and I broke down into a major wreck until and crying massively. My mum had to come down and in the end, had to take us to school.

In hindsight, this was due to the change in my routine which I could not handle. This is something that could have been worked on had I been diagnosed as a child. My mum would have known not to change my routine and honestly, it could have saved some people some stress. I had to deal with many things that day, however, I remember that meltdown clearly in my head.

The other time was when I was a teenager. Once again I was supposed to be able to go to the library with my sister. My parents were supposed to come with me however, my dad had to work suddenly and could not come. My mum was also sick that day and could not come to the flat. Once again this was a change to my routine and I broke down into tears and kept saying “bye” to the front door. My sister, at the time, got so annoyed she punched me in the stomach. My dad heard my scream from the flat and came running down the stairs and brought us up to the flat. I then spent the rest of the day curled up on my parent’s bed and I wouldn’t speak to anyone including my sister.

Again, in hindsight, had I been diagnosed maybe they would have not made plans that could potentially be changed and maybe be a way in which they would be kinder to me. That would seriously have been better.

What I remember is that I was drained after each meltdown, however, I don’t remember having it feel like this before. Maybe the older I get the harder to deal with the aftermath of a meltdown.

Honestly, I wish I had a service dog to help me 😦 What I am noticing that now I have been diagnosed I am trying to embrace both the positive and negative parts of it, however, the negative sides can be quite horrid. Now I have the diagnosis I do not need to hide it which made it worse, however, embracing it would be so difficult.

London – Not a good place for someone with Autism

I have decided today, after coming home from work stressed, having vomited on the tube and in tears that London is no place for someone with Autism.

Let’s start at the beginning.

I got to the underground station and I have people pushing and shoving me,. I don’t like being touched unless it is something that I have instigated like hugs etc so having people bumping me, pushing me and shoving me was NOT good… Even got pushed into a tube door when someone tried to get passed me to get off the tube, before the door had opened.

I got to my change station, and had two foreign women either side of me screaming in my ears and when I looked at them to say something I swear they might have slapped me so I didn’t say a word which made me get worse.

I got on my second tube and the same woman kept standing on my feet repeatedly.

Then a man came onto the tube with so much smelly stuff on I was actually physically sick. This would also be the same man who saw that I was using the bar next to my seat and CHOSE to stand when his bum was on the bar. I just had to curl up in my seat and hope for the best. Even stuck half my face down my top so that I didn’t smell him but me, and STILL I smelt him.

I got home and was so stressed I was pulling my hair and crying. Full melt down… Now I am exhausted I will be having a shower and going to bed.

London is no place for someone with Autism, not at all.

Depression – Helpful advice

Having dealt with my depression since 2007 I can tell you one thing that you should do to help keep yourself on track is to have something to look forward to. The reason why this is important is that we need something to keep your mind to good things. For me, I am able to say this 3 weeks until I have the opportunity to go and watch Giovanni Penice perform and I will get to meet him too. This has got me so happy and honestly, I am going to be able to go with a good friend. It is not something that I am able to do very often so this is going to be so great. When I have a tough week at work I keep thinking this is something that will be great and I will always be able to keep things happy.

Depression is something that you can’t fight alone but having ways to cope and try and keep the serotonin pumping is to find something that you love and go for it.

My Autism

A lot of people say to me when I tell them that I am autistic is “you don’t look like someone with autism”.  I have given up explaining to them that not all autistics look the same. So here is the down low on my Autism. Because I was diagnosed later in like I have learned to deal with some situations or hide certain things so here is how my Autism affects me.

I find it very hard to talk to people in a meaningful way. I either get very quiet or over talkative. When I get over talkative I can be too open and end up talking about things that you should not really discuss in a normal conversation.

I can be too open and I have to check with people as to whether or not things should be discussed. For me logically, if you tell someone something it is hand in hand that you tell them why. An example (Prior to diagnosis) I was asked by work colleagues if I wanted another drink and when I said no and they pushed I told them all of the details why. I was told later that this was something I should not have done and I didn’t understand why I was being told not to talk about it.

I also take things very literally. If you ask me a question you must give me a full question. When I had to appeal my disability benefits the judge asked me “What would you do if you needed to go out for milk?” I answered the question as “I wouldn’t”. When the judge asked me why I told her, “I don’t drink milk”.  If the judge had asked me what would I do if I needed to go out and get something from the shop, then the question would have been answered in a different way

I find it very easy to get lost and when things are changed or I am in an unfamiliar territory then I get very overwhelmed and get on the verge of meltdown mode.

If my routine is changed without my knowledge beforehand I get very upset. For instance, Friday night is Pizza night. If no one tells me at least 24 hours prior that they are going to change the routine then I find it very difficult to get my head around it. I can once again head to meltdown mode. My routine is sacred to me.

I hate change. I accept that there are times especially in work that change happens however when there is not enough communication around it then I am very stressed and at the same time I can fall into a meltdown mode. Even when someone who changes something in my room, then I get very anxious around it and then I have to have it moved back the way it was. If I move something its fine but when someone else does it I have major issues.

I have issues with food. There are certain foods that I can’t deal with because I am struggling with the texture. Brown bread is one for me. I can’t do it and therefore I do not eat it. The same is with white bread with bits in it, I can’t deal with it. I have lots of issues with meat so even as a child I had to go to vegetarianism because I could not deal with it. Along with that, I had a problem with the fact that I could tell when someone changed brands in my house. If you went from Birdseye to another brand I could tell the difference and wouldn’t eat what was in front of me. This is yet another reason why I became a vegetarian. It would be easier for me to be a vegetarian and have fewer restrictions on what I eat.

Smell is something that is a problem for me. I can tell when people change their perfume or deodorants and get really affected by some smells especially when there is too much. I get honestly sick.

The sound is something that I have issues with. When I am at work I have to block my ears when we have a fire drill because the noise is so loud. I have always had sensitive hearing. I can hear when the tv is too loud from the other end of the flat and I can also hear both sides of the telephone call.

These are all the things that affect me.

Anyways from this, you can tell just because we are diagnosed the same, we do not look the same. When you know one person with autism, you know one person with autism, don’t assume we are all the same.

Personal Thank You

Being Autistic is something I am still learning about. I have triggers and sometimes I know how to deal with them and sometimes I don’t. My biggest one at the moment is one particular tube station in London. It is HUGE for me. There are so many different escalators just to get off the platform that I get overwhelmed and get lost. I have had to use this station 3 times in the last few weeks and every time I get lost in a new way :S

But my thank you goes out to the Metropolitan Police and the City of London Police as I don’t know which police officers I met or which one they were from. Every time I have gotten overwhelmed and lost I always seem to manage to find me a Police officer with a service dog. The two-legged officer gives me directions that I can understand and the four-legged officer gives me love and affection in a lick of letting me pet them that I feel able to get off of the ledge of full meltdown and find my way to where I need to go.

So to all of the two legged and four legged officers in the Metropolitan Police and City of London Police #ThankYouForYourService and thank you for helping this Autistic Woman out. Your officers won’t of known I was Autistic, but it made a BIG impression on me and I am super thankful for that as it helped me avoid a meltdown which would have made me feel very embarrassed when it passed.

Safe Space – Can you help me get mine

Hi,

I really hate to ask. I need help to move. I have an ex-boyfriend who knows where I live and would really like to make sure he can’t find me. It has taken me a very long time to realize and understand that his behavior that he had towards me was abuse. It was emotional abuse. He played on my heart and he played on my emotions to get what he wanted and then when he got it he hurt me again and again.  He would try to break up my good relationships and caused me even more stress and emotional and mental pain again and again.

I had warnings again and again, however, as many abuse victims will say, it was something that I wasn’t ready to hear. I wasn’t ready to accept that this wasn’t right and because of it, I went back again and again.

So now I am in a situation where I have done everything I can do to get myself sorted however, the one thing that I cant do is move. I need help. I need help to get away so that this ex, if he came to try again, he would not be able to know where I live and therefore would not be able to start his mind games again. I know this is a what if situation but as all abuse survivors know, you need to protect yourself.

So if anyone is able to help me: I have the money and based on my salary, I am able to rent a place but because of where I would need to move to make it safe enough for me to feel safe, I need help with travel costs. If you can donate https://www.gofundme.com/4t77nm-my-first-home that would be fantastic. Even if you could just share the link to make sure that as many people can see it as possible that would be also very helpful.

Thank you for listening.