Abuse, Fear, Trust and Anger

Due to some really hateful things that were said to me about my videos I have decided not to do them anymore.

So today I am going to talk about surviving abuse, fear, trust, and Anger. You might all think that fear trust and anger go part and parcel of fear, trust, and anger and that I will be making the same point repeatedly. In some cases it is true, they are linked but I am also going to talk about how they are different.

So let’s start with fear. Most people think fight or flight when they think about fear, some may even think about the freezing aspect. When you are a survivor of abuse, however, there is a 4 option and that is submission. When you start getting abused you deal with fight or flight or freeze but when it is prolonged like it has been for me you get into this state of submission. You stop fighting because that is the only way to survive. Flight, especially in some cases, is not possible and you certainly have not frozen. You choose to survive and that involves submission. It is not you giving in, it is you choosing to survive.

Whether it is verbal, emotional, physical or sexual you find yourself submitting to stay alive. You might think that verbal and emotional is easy to get away from because there is no one assaulting your body but it is just as hurtful as physical or sexual and is harder to identify. The reason for this is because there are no visible scars and so your abusers can shrug off the effects that they have caused you to others as, “their acting out” or that “they are lying”. This happened to me with the people my parents brought into our house. Their kids would sexually abuse me and when I would not do what they wanted they made me out to be this monster… Soon over time, no one believed anything I said so I had to submit in order to survive. I would, however, do what I could to keep my distance. I would try and force myself into school with a fever so that they would not be called to look after me while my parents were at work… The downside to this, however, is that my mum was an ex-nurse so she knew when I had to stay home from school. I would then get so clingy to my parents but still left with them. So submission was my only way to survive.

Trust is the next thing I want to talk to you about. It is a wonderful thing, however, victims of abuse never have that luxury. Whether it was my parents physically abusing me, family friends sexually abusing me or siblings emotionally abusing me, I learned that I could not trust anyone. This has followed me into my adult life and because of this, I have very few people that I would consider a friend. I just do not make friends easily and as such I find it hard to trust what peoples intentions are. This is because of the trust that I put in people who were supposed to protect me growing up ad they did not. You may think it is something to get over, but when you have lost trust in people you should not have lost trust in then it becomes very much so, a part of who you are. It informs your developing mind and makes it harder for you to trust anyone.

Anger for me is a very difficult one to deal with. I find that due to my history there are certain situations that bring real anger out of me. On a night out some guys tried to pull a friend down a dark alley and I nearly got myself arrested with my angry outburst. This is not something that is easy to fix. This is, especially in my situation where I still have to live with the people who caused a lot of problems for me growing up almost an impossible task. Honestly, though it is not the anger over what they did and allowed to happen to me that gets me angry anymore, it is the fact that I am stuck now due to people being unable and unwilling to help me.

Now finally onto the Abuse. NO ABUSE IS ACCEPTABLE. We, however, as a society, need to find a way to help people in a seriously complex situation out. There are people like me out there who cant access help because their situations are so complex that it does not fit into any one category. For people like me the only way out if to get help from someone and when no one is willing to listen or help, you feel alone and remain once again STUCK! Many survivors of abuse play it’s my fault game but how can a 6-year-old, being forced to learn what a 69ner is really been at fault? This has rocked my faith, my self-confidence, every relationship I have ever had and now when I am finally able to say I need help the authorities are putting me in a situation where I can’t get help because I am unable to report it for fear of both myself and someone else….

I am hoping someone out there with me being open and honest about my story will help me. Please see my Gofundme page entitled help me survive.  https://t.co/27kabyJJdN

The money is going to be used in the following ways:

  1. clear off all debts so that I can start off clean
  2. find somewhere to live that is suitable for my needs as well as financially viable
  3. Pay a few months in advance so if needed I can get benefits
  4. Change my name so my abusers will no longer be able to find me and I can cut ties with them completely.
  5. kit out my new place with the things I need to heal and grow stronger in myself.

If you can help me please please donate or even share with others.. I need help and no one is able to help me.

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My Thank You Campaign

So, here I am once again discussing my Thank You Campaign, and why I feel it is important.

Today I will look at London Firebrigade and more specifically their role in an absolute tragedy that rocked my community. That tragedy is the Grenfell Tower Fire 14 June 2017.

Everyone went to bed on 13 June 2017 thinking about what they needed to do the next day. Kids thinking about school, parents thinking about work and firefighters thinking about what may happen on their shift. Little did they know that in a few short hours the world would change forever.

Grenfell 1This was the scene in the early hours of the morning on the 14th June 2017. There are videos of firefighters who were attending the scene who said “FUCK” when they saw the blaze. It was so massive that you could see it for miles around and yet they still went in.

Now you can say what you want, it was their job, they had to go in to do it. The honest answer is they didn’t. They could have stood down. They could have said there is no way that anyone is surviving this. They went in. The Gods honest truth is that these men and women who work for the London Firebrigade went into a burning building to fight a fire they had never seen before to rescue as many people as they possibly could and work tirelessly through to the bitter end. Even when they knew that they would not find any more survivors they still went in.  Could you do this?

Grenfell 2

Could you have gone into this building willingly knowing that it could collapse on you, or you could lose your life? My own health issues aside, I wish I would have the bravery that these people have but honestly I don’t think I could.

These, however, are the brave men and women who attended the scene. Who cried with our community,  who slept outside so that they could go back in again. They stayed until the very bitter end when it was no longer search and rescue but recovery.

These are the same people who, some of, ran the London Marathon in full gear to raise money for the survivors. This was not just a “Shout” to these brave men and women, no, it was a life changing event the likes of which I pray never is seen again.

So to the London Fire Brigade. I say Thank You For Your Service and I hope that I will be able to get enough money to suitably pay tribute to those who risked it all for a small community in North Kensington. If anyone wants to help my cause please donate on the link below.

https://www.gofundme.com/544xm-thank-you-for-your-service