Abuse, Fear, Trust and Anger

Due to some really hateful things that were said to me about my videos I have decided not to do them anymore.

So today I am going to talk about surviving abuse, fear, trust, and Anger. You might all think that fear trust and anger go part and parcel of fear, trust, and anger and that I will be making the same point repeatedly. In some cases it is true, they are linked but I am also going to talk about how they are different.

So let’s start with fear. Most people think fight or flight when they think about fear, some may even think about the freezing aspect. When you are a survivor of abuse, however, there is a 4 option and that is submission. When you start getting abused you deal with fight or flight or freeze but when it is prolonged like it has been for me you get into this state of submission. You stop fighting because that is the only way to survive. Flight, especially in some cases, is not possible and you certainly have not frozen. You choose to survive and that involves submission. It is not you giving in, it is you choosing to survive.

Whether it is verbal, emotional, physical or sexual you find yourself submitting to stay alive. You might think that verbal and emotional is easy to get away from because there is no one assaulting your body but it is just as hurtful as physical or sexual and is harder to identify. The reason for this is because there are no visible scars and so your abusers can shrug off the effects that they have caused you to others as, “their acting out” or that “they are lying”. This happened to me with the people my parents brought into our house. Their kids would sexually abuse me and when I would not do what they wanted they made me out to be this monster… Soon over time, no one believed anything I said so I had to submit in order to survive. I would, however, do what I could to keep my distance. I would try and force myself into school with a fever so that they would not be called to look after me while my parents were at work… The downside to this, however, is that my mum was an ex-nurse so she knew when I had to stay home from school. I would then get so clingy to my parents but still left with them. So submission was my only way to survive.

Trust is the next thing I want to talk to you about. It is a wonderful thing, however, victims of abuse never have that luxury. Whether it was my parents physically abusing me, family friends sexually abusing me or siblings emotionally abusing me, I learned that I could not trust anyone. This has followed me into my adult life and because of this, I have very few people that I would consider a friend. I just do not make friends easily and as such I find it hard to trust what peoples intentions are. This is because of the trust that I put in people who were supposed to protect me growing up ad they did not. You may think it is something to get over, but when you have lost trust in people you should not have lost trust in then it becomes very much so, a part of who you are. It informs your developing mind and makes it harder for you to trust anyone.

Anger for me is a very difficult one to deal with. I find that due to my history there are certain situations that bring real anger out of me. On a night out some guys tried to pull a friend down a dark alley and I nearly got myself arrested with my angry outburst. This is not something that is easy to fix. This is, especially in my situation where I still have to live with the people who caused a lot of problems for me growing up almost an impossible task. Honestly, though it is not the anger over what they did and allowed to happen to me that gets me angry anymore, it is the fact that I am stuck now due to people being unable and unwilling to help me.

Now finally onto the Abuse. NO ABUSE IS ACCEPTABLE. We, however, as a society, need to find a way to help people in a seriously complex situation out. There are people like me out there who cant access help because their situations are so complex that it does not fit into any one category. For people like me the only way out if to get help from someone and when no one is willing to listen or help, you feel alone and remain once again STUCK! Many survivors of abuse play it’s my fault game but how can a 6-year-old, being forced to learn what a 69ner is really been at fault? This has rocked my faith, my self-confidence, every relationship I have ever had and now when I am finally able to say I need help the authorities are putting me in a situation where I can’t get help because I am unable to report it for fear of both myself and someone else….

I am hoping someone out there with me being open and honest about my story will help me. Please see my Gofundme page entitled help me survive.  https://t.co/27kabyJJdN

The money is going to be used in the following ways:

  1. clear off all debts so that I can start off clean
  2. find somewhere to live that is suitable for my needs as well as financially viable
  3. Pay a few months in advance so if needed I can get benefits
  4. Change my name so my abusers will no longer be able to find me and I can cut ties with them completely.
  5. kit out my new place with the things I need to heal and grow stronger in myself.

If you can help me please please donate or even share with others.. I need help and no one is able to help me.

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Hopelessness

Today I am going to talk about hopelessness. This is something that I am feeling at the moment. I live in an abusive household and the thing that is holding me back honestly is the lack of cash. I have tried raising money through gofundme to help me get what I need to continue with my Thank You Campaign as well as finding somewhere to live but never get anywhere. I am now at a stage where I have just given up. I just have to accept that I am not going to be the person who gets out of their bad situation. I just have a sheer sense of hopelessness and apathy now.

Unless I get a HUGE random act of kindness in the form of money or win the lottery I am resigned to my lot in life..

I’m not Crazy, I am depressed

 

For me, this worked wonders. I found that if I was able to make light of the situation I found myself regarding my mental health then people around me would feel a lot easier about talking to me about it.

My way is not the best way may be to take the stigma out of Mental Health but for me, it works. I have always been known as somewhat of a fruitloop doing things because I wanted to do them, even if it was not what was expected of me. Take my Thank You Campaign, I do it because I want all people who serve in some form of uniform to know that there is at least one person out there who supports them. This is not seen as the norm but I don’t care, it makes me feel good and therefore I do it…

Each person’s mental health issues are unique to them to find a way that is suitable for you to broach that subject.

 

My Thank You Campaign

So, here I am once again discussing my Thank You Campaign, and why I feel it is important.

Today I will look at London Firebrigade and more specifically their role in an absolute tragedy that rocked my community. That tragedy is the Grenfell Tower Fire 14 June 2017.

Everyone went to bed on 13 June 2017 thinking about what they needed to do the next day. Kids thinking about school, parents thinking about work and firefighters thinking about what may happen on their shift. Little did they know that in a few short hours the world would change forever.

Grenfell 1This was the scene in the early hours of the morning on the 14th June 2017. There are videos of firefighters who were attending the scene who said “FUCK” when they saw the blaze. It was so massive that you could see it for miles around and yet they still went in.

Now you can say what you want, it was their job, they had to go in to do it. The honest answer is they didn’t. They could have stood down. They could have said there is no way that anyone is surviving this. They went in. The Gods honest truth is that these men and women who work for the London Firebrigade went into a burning building to fight a fire they had never seen before to rescue as many people as they possibly could and work tirelessly through to the bitter end. Even when they knew that they would not find any more survivors they still went in.  Could you do this?

Grenfell 2

Could you have gone into this building willingly knowing that it could collapse on you, or you could lose your life? My own health issues aside, I wish I would have the bravery that these people have but honestly I don’t think I could.

These, however, are the brave men and women who attended the scene. Who cried with our community,  who slept outside so that they could go back in again. They stayed until the very bitter end when it was no longer search and rescue but recovery.

These are the same people who, some of, ran the London Marathon in full gear to raise money for the survivors. This was not just a “Shout” to these brave men and women, no, it was a life changing event the likes of which I pray never is seen again.

So to the London Fire Brigade. I say Thank You For Your Service and I hope that I will be able to get enough money to suitably pay tribute to those who risked it all for a small community in North Kensington. If anyone wants to help my cause please donate on the link below.

https://www.gofundme.com/544xm-thank-you-for-your-service

I am just one person

I am just one person in this crazy world. I am just one person who has had the world collapse on her numerous times and still wakes up every morning trying to find a way to make the world a nicer and fluffier place to live in.

I have am a survivor of abuse:

Diagnosed as dyslexic at 16:

Diagnosed with depression at 21:

Diagnosed with spinal problems at 29:

Diagnosed as Autistic at 32:

But do I let the above get me down? No of course I dont. I will share my pain and sorrows as well as my joys and successes with the world.

One thing however, that  I am doing, which I would like you all to know about is my Thank You Campaign.

For the last two years I have been doing this on my own with no help from anyone. It has been a very fruitful journey but I am now looking for help to continue.

I have been using my own money to support American Service Personnell who are deployed over seas. I have created goodie bags for those who work Christmas Eve and Christmas Day in uniform and I write letters and Social Media posts Thanking people for their service. I will keep doing this until there is no money left to use but if you are able to help and support me in my work then please visit https://www.gofundme.com/544xm-thank-you-for-your-service and donate so that I can continue to help support and show appreciation to those in uniform who serve and protect us 🙂

I am just one person, who is now asking for help

Why do I say Thank You?

Today I was asked why do I say thank you to uniformed services, they are just doing their job.


Well, the answer is honestly because they deserve it. They did not have to take a job where they could potentially lose their lives protecting other, they did not have to take a job where their families could end up struggling due to injury or death but they did. 


People need to remember that they do the job so that we who can’t, or those, who do not want to, are made to do it. If the brave men and women of the military, police, fire departments, paramedics, doctors, nurses or lifeguard did not do the job who would? Me personally I am an Autistic, Dyslexic, who has depression and has spinal problems so I know I would not be able to do it. So that is why I do it.


Ever wondered why there is not National Service in some countries, or why the Draft has not been re-enacted? Well, ladies and gents it is because there are enough brave men and women who do the jobs to keep us safe and I for 1 am thankful every day for these people.

Thank You For Your Service

Two years ago when I was unemployed I decided to start saying thank you to the men and women who serve and protect their communities, cities, and country. When I started in 2016 I only had my benefits and that year I used all my benefits for the month of December and I created gift bags for those in uniform who were working Christmas Eve and Christmas day. This included my local fire station, police station, two army barracks and the US Marines based at the embassy. It was not much but I got to show my appreciation for what they do.

In 2017 I used all of my birthday money (aside from what was donated to Grenfell) to send letters to every single police station in the great state of New York.  I also continue to, online, find and thank everyone who is open about being in some form of uniform and I say to them #ThankYouForYourService .

But I want to do more. I want to be able to arrange to go and visit places both at home and abroad that serve in uniform. I want to start handcrafting scarves and blankets that represent pride in uniformed services and getting more people involved in showing love and appreciation to those who serve and protect us so that we can sleep at night in our beds. But to do this I need help. So far I have been doing this all on my own. Using my benefits or birthday and Christmas money to keep this going but I need help.

Please find it in your heart to help me this Autistic, Dyslexic with depression and spinal problems so that I can keep up the work that I am doing.

The more that I can get done the more we can show the good work.

https://www.gofundme.com/544xm-thank-you-for-your-service