So I have had a string of people telling me that I am an inspiration and to be honest I do not understand why.
For me, I am just living my life. I have learnt ways to cope. If I have a meltdown due to my autism I work from home till I have fully recovered. If I have problems with my back I work from home till I no longer need to. If I feel low I try and reach out to people for support.
The truth is that every day for me I do not know what I could be doing because of all of my disabilities. Apparently though because I want to work this makes me inspirational. Because I, with all my disabilities still go out of my way to support others, it makes my inspiration. I do not understand this. For me, I am just living my life knowing what I can and can not do and I make the most of a bad situation. I still try and do things that everyone else can do but I do it in a controlled manner. Because of this, I have to plan well in advance what I am going to do. It doesn’t make me inspirational. It just me living my life.
I don’t understand how me living my life makes me an inspiration? Can someone explain this to me?
I feel like giving up.
Again I have been rejected for help and support for my disabilities. Everywhere I was being bogged off too I have tried to contact and in over a month they have not gotten back to me.
There are potential benefits that I could possibly apply but no one is telling me how to apply for them.
How the hell am I supposed to get support? I will have to pay for it now and honestly how the hell am I going to do that? £725 per month in rent £300 in bills and £370 to pay for a loan. £200 spare of my salary and £400 in disabilities which comes in once every 4 weeks. This does not tally with my other personal bills will I pay £250 a month to. I only get £1600 per month so I have to live off my benefits for food and other things so that I am able to get support.
I am an abuse survivor and no one is able to help me. I am seriously angry and upset.
Honestly, how can I continue to support other people when I get zero support in return. I feel like giving up.
So, because I am due to move out again on my own for the first time properly on June 29th I am starting to get my anxiety levels spiking again. I know what happened when I tried before and it was basically a disaster. This time I will be truly out on my own and so my anxiety is starting to fly high again.
But what helps me keep things in check is remembering one simple thing. What I am worried about might happen but it might not. It is a perceived threat and not an actual threat. When people are trying to deal with anxiety the line between the two can get distorted so I have to keep reminding myself that something is a perceived threat.
So far I have not made it to a full autistic meltdown but other than that I am surviving.
I have been feeling quite low today. Not just because my stomach has been going a mile a minute but with the realisation that if I would like to stay living in London, I am going to need to find a second job. This will mean that I will be working either 6 or 7 days a week.
Why is this you ask?
Well simply put, it is the cost of living in London. Where your perscriptions can be up to or over £10 per item. Where people are less likely to offer you help and assistance if you have a problem. Where transportation systems are not retrofitted with things like LIFTS or escallators so people like me have to avoid certain stations. Where to find somewhere suitable to live you need to have a budget of over £1000 per month without bills included and where the cost of travel goes up yearly.
I am on 8-10 medications a day so a month on medications alone I can be paying £80-£100.
Living in London is hard but when you work here it is even harder because realistically you have to stay here.
I may even have to give up blogging if I ever find a place of my own unless I find something that can run off of my phone for a while.
London is not suitable for the disabled and yet I am stuck here.
If anyone out there is able to help me please feel free to donate money to me via my paypal paypal.me/suzef86 I gave up with Gofundme as people seemed more interested in donating to people who want to spread hate then to help those in need so I decided if anyone wants to help me they can and the link above should help.
So this week coming I have a lot to do and unfortunately I will be working from home the whole week. It can be a good thing but it can also be a bad thing. Luckily I will be seeing my support worker tomorrow and I will be on a training course as well on Thursday.
My holiday really has imprinted on me my need for self-care so I am doing more to support myself and help get myself more independent. This includes getting a shopping trolly so that I can go to Sainsburys when I need to and not wait for online orders for everything. It also means I am getting a 4 wheeled laptop bag so I do not have to carry much on my back to avoid extra pain. Lastly, I am going to start using buses more and fewer tubes which means that I will be walking more in between as well..
Clearly, my holiday has empowered me to do more and try and claw back some independence.
You never know how run down you have gotten until you actually stop and take some time for yourself. This is something that I have learnt the hard way. I was soo low before I went on holiday. Even with some of the people who I was penpalling with all I could write about was my up coming trip. This is not a good sign for anyone. When you are that run down you have pushed your body to beyond the limits you should have… It doesn’t help with your mental health or your physical health.
You must always remember that you are important and no matter how much good you do for others, you will never be able to continue if you run out of energy or steam.
For people with disabilities, we all know that we have the added pressures of managing our disabilities as well as everything else that we do and so it is important to know what your limits are. If you want to try and push beyond the limits to do it in a way that you are not going to hurt yourself.
I emplore everyone to make sure that they make time for themselves as often as they can. You do not need to be left in a position where you are unable to continue. Look after yourself and then you will be able to look after others x
Since coming back from my holiday I have been covered in holiday energy. My Wellbeing has been massively improved. My self-care is improved and I have had the energy to do everything including cleaning my room, showing every day and even moving around. honestly if you are feeling run down, find somewhere to go and go on holiday.