suzefricker@mylifeaccordingtome.org Available all the time, just send me an email and I will get back to you.

Inspiration

So I have had a string of people telling me that I am an inspiration and to be honest I do not understand why.

For me, I am just living my life. I have learnt ways to cope. If I have a meltdown due to my autism I work from home till I have fully recovered. If I have problems with my back I work from home till I no longer need to. If I feel low I try and reach out to people for support.

The truth is that every day for me I do not know what I could be doing because of all of my disabilities. Apparently though because I want to work this makes me inspirational. Because I, with all my disabilities still go out of my way to support others, it makes my inspiration. I do not understand this. For me, I am just living my life knowing what I can and can not do and I make the most of a bad situation. I still try and do things that everyone else can do but I do it in a controlled manner. Because of this, I have to plan well in advance what I am going to do. It doesn’t make me inspirational. It just me living my life.

I don’t understand how me living my life makes me an inspiration? Can someone explain this to me?

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Giving Up

I feel like giving up.

Again I have been rejected for help and support for my disabilities. Everywhere I was being bogged off too I have tried to contact and in over a month they have not gotten back to me.

There are potential benefits that I could possibly apply but no one is telling me how to apply for them.

How the hell am I supposed to get support? I will have to pay for it now and honestly how the hell am I going to do that? £725 per month in rent £300 in bills and £370 to pay for a loan. £200 spare of my salary and £400 in disabilities which comes in once every 4 weeks. This does not tally with my other personal bills will I pay £250 a month to. I only get £1600 per month so I have to live off my benefits for food and other things so that I am able to get support.

I am an abuse survivor and no one is able to help me. I am seriously angry and upset.

Honestly, how can I continue to support other people when I get zero support in return. I feel like giving up.

You never know….

You never know how run down you have gotten until you actually stop and take some time for yourself. This is something that I have learnt the hard way. I was soo low before I went on holiday. Even with some of the people who I was penpalling with all I could write about was my up coming trip. This is not a good sign for anyone. When you are that run down you have pushed your body to beyond the limits you should have… It doesn’t help with your mental health or your physical health.

You must always remember that you are important and no matter how much good you do for others, you will never be able to continue if you run out of energy or steam.

For people with disabilities, we all know that we have the added pressures of managing our disabilities as well as everything else that we do and so it is important to know what your limits are. If you want to try and push beyond the limits to do it in a way that you are not going to hurt yourself.

I emplore everyone to make sure that they make time for themselves as often as they can. You do not need to be left in a position where you are unable to continue. Look after yourself and then you will be able to look after others x

I feel honored

When I came back from my much needed holiday to Italy I have come across two things that have made me feel honored.

Before I went away, I did a blog for work about Autism and faith. Essentially it was about how I work around the things that I want to do for my faith whilst also knowing some of my limitations within the autistic side of me.

What I have come back to from work is that some people have contacted me to talk about how they can better understand autism and how they can help people. This is a real honor for me. I am by no means an expert on Autism because I am still learning what Autism means for me, however, if I can help in a small way to make someone’s life a bit easier and to also help encourage more understanding of what Autism actually is then I am very glad.

The Blackhole is closing

I feel it closing,

The familiar feel,

The desperation and emptiness,

Why is it back?

I do what I can to keep it away so why is it back?

What more can I do to keep it at bay?

How can I stop getting this lonely sinking feeling from engulfing me whole?

The emptiness is coming again. This time its stronger and I don’t know what caused it

I look out of the window and there it is, the black hole is beckoning me, its invisible forces pulling me closer and closer

It would be so easy for me to just let it bring me in but I know what the other side of that is,

The loneliness, the lack of work, I have fought to keep myself on the right side of that black hole but honestly, I always know,

One false step, one false move, can send me hurtling back to it and put me back in its orbit,

I can’t keep fighting without any support yet no one wants to help me.

How can it be that someone in need can’t be helped?

Not one person out there can see this black hole, I know it is there

It is closing in…

 

 

The Box

This is a random title I know but it is to explain something to you. Prior to 2018 and my diagnosis of Autism, I felt like I was in a box. I did not feel like I was able to express to people why I felt different or what I was struggling with. I felt like I was in a steel box that I could not get out of and it was very isolating.

Since my diagnosis, however, I feel like someone opened the lid to the box and set me free. This is because I have been able to be my true self.

The problem with being let out of the box is that no one wants you to be out. They want you neatly categorized because that is how they know who you are and what you are doing. This for me is something I can not let happen to me ever again. I was in that box for 31 years and I never held a steady job for a long period of time and moreover, I was struggling with my mental health. So when someone sends ignorance my way, I fight their views and their ignorance. The second that I stop fighting these ignorant people who refuse to accept difference as a positive they win and I will be back in the box. If I stop being open about my autism I put myself back in the box and I can not go back into that cold place. I just wont do it!

To help with Autism – Who else has it

So because it will be National Autism Awareness Week I wanted to share something I have been researching. This has come about because my workplace set up a picture gram of famous people in history with Autism… They used quite a lot of old people which, we could not conclusively say were autistic. So, I decided to do my own research into this.

The first person I have found which was a shock to me is Anthony Hopkins (the original Hanibal Lecter). He was diagnosed with Aspergers because his “wife was trying to figure out who she was married to”. He has credited this to why he was usually restless which has also made him an extremely hard worker. This is his Autistic Super Power.

Courtney Love is another one. She was one of the lucky ones to be diagnosed as a child as “mildly autistic”. Her autistic superpower was that she was “unusually intelligent” even if she was socially awkward.

Kim Peek who was the inspiration for the movie rain man was absolutely a fantastic person. He could recall the content of up to 12,000 books. This was his superpower even if his motor skills were lower then everyone else.

Daryl Hannah an amazing actress who was in the Kill Bill movie and The Splash was diagnosed with Aspergers as a child. She is very shy and whilst she does stay away from Hollywood no one can deny her acting abilities.

Matt Savage who is a musical Savant (I do not know what Savant is) is also known as being autistic. This guy has toured the world and is successful. His superpower is clearly his music.

Caiseal Mór is also autistic. This guy also is a best selling novelist.

Jonathan Jayne is an autistic special olympian. Though his story does not have quite a greatness as he was cruelly mocked when he went onto American Idol. However, the plus side is that he is an Olympian!

James Hobley is an autistic dancer. He was also a finalist on Britain got talent.

Susan Boyle who most British people know won Britains Got Talent back in 2009. She was diagnosed with autism.

As you can see there are a lot of modern day people who are on the Autistic Spectrum which also makes them Neuro Diverse. They have lived amazing lives and they have done what they love. You can too. It is not something that you should be afraid of. Your autism makes you special, it makes you someone who thinks differently to the rest of the world which gives you something to be proud of.

I personally am proud to be autistic. I know I am different from everyone around me and when I got my diagnosis I was honestly relieved because I am now able to think about what makes me who I am as a positive. Everyone on the spectrum has things both positive and negative that makes them special. We have to accept the negatives so that we can thrive on the positive.