IM DESPERATE FOR HELP

Once again I am asking the world for help. It is really not nice for me asking for help because honestly, I am usually the one giving it. So here is why you should help me on gofundme by either donating or sharing my link.

Why I need the money:

I need to move to keep myself safe from an ex who was and if allowed to continue to be emotionally abusive. He is a man who continued to treat me as something he could pick up and drop at the flip of a coin. He messed with my head so much that even now I struggle to believe I am worth someone good. I can’t change where I work but I can change where I live and this money would go towards helping me move somewhere safe and still be able to afford to get to work etc.

Why Should you help me:

I am a good person. You may think yea yea we hear this a lot but I am.

Even though I could, I work despite my disabilities and mentor people who have the same disabilities as me so that they can be confident to work as well.

I started my own campaign to make sure men and women who serve and protect communities, cities, and countries know that they are appreciated for all they do.

I volunteer with a military charity and write to active service men and women who are stationed away from home to help keep their morale up.

I help anyone in need. Recently been supporting a neighbor who has been going through hell with someone who was causing her serious stress and putting her in danger. I helped someone else out of a bad domestic abuse situation including making sure she was safe when she didn’t feel it.

I have never asked for praise for anything I do because I don’t do it for praise but for the fact that I want to make the world a nicer place to live.

So what now?

Please donate to my go fund me page: https://www.gofundme.com/4t77nm-my-first-home I really need your help. If you can’t afford to donate, please share my link. I am getting desperate. I need to move.

I am an Autistic with dyslexia, depression and spinal problems living in a situation where I want to cry almost daily and jump at any noise I hear when traveling. Please help me.

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Being Different is not BAD

One thing I needed to get myself together to understand what it is that is “wrong” with me. However, it was not till I understood that there is nothing wrong with me I am just different to everyone else around me.

I get very emotional over some things. That isn’t bad, it just means that I can get really sad. The thing that I am sad most about is when I see an animal who gets killed in the middle of the street. It doesn’t mean that there is anything wrong with me. It means my mind deals with this kind of things differently. Same for TV shows. There are certain episodes of shows that I can not ever watch again because they make me so sad that I cry. The logic side of my brain knows that its fiction but I just can’t deal with what is being shown, example, the episode in Criminal Minds where Hotch’s ex-wife is killed by the Reaper… I can NEVER watch that episode ever again.

I have uber senses (if only my eyesight was one of them). It’s not bad, it just means I avoid situations where I am likely to be affected… It’s not bad, just means that I am different.

Differences make you who you are and that is something that we all need to accept. If we were all the same, we would not have the breakthroughs that we have in art, science, music and many other things… If we were, all the same, we may as well be wearing gray jumpsuits and all have numbers instead of names.

I need help

This Christmas has shown me something seriously true. I NEED to get out.

I tried to get supported housing but it is too much.

The council is not allowing me onto the housing register for some reason. They are being rather obtusive about the whole thing.

The estate I currently live on has serious ASB and to top it all off I live in an abusive household.

My brother not supporting me in terms of my autism. Instead of him helping me understand where I can improve and things to work on he is just calling me a fucking rude bitch. My mother who knows now through the support that I have been getting the problem I have with food is due to it decided to tell my whole family both on Christmas and today at my nans that I am just a very hypercondriac fussy pain.

Honestly I need my own space. If anyone can help me please donate to my #GoFundMePage https://bit.ly/2ValjRf

 

Acting, Singing & Dancing My Joy and my Pain

I was a little bit of a stereotypical girl growing up. One of what I know now to be my “special interests” due to my autism was the entertainment industry. I grew up with classics like Calamity Jane, Chicago, Magnificant 7, Guns of Navarone as well as amazing singers of my knowledge Karen Carpenter, Neil Diamond and Frank Sinatra (as well as my favorite Singers of my childhood) which included Steps, Boyzone, Backstreet Boys, Blue, B*Witched and many more. I didn’t want to join the entertainment industry of the money… I just loved to dance, act and sing. The problem is, this is a very neurotypical dream for a very undiagnosed neuro-diverse person.

I did what every person interested in the entertainment industry did. I took dance classes. I was in the school choir and church choir. I even tried out for full-time theatre school and went to weekend theatre school as well. Unfortunately, with all my passion I had one thing turned against me.

I will say it again. I was trying to achieve a neurotypical dream with no knowledge of how neuro-diverse I was or how to attain my dreams in a way that would suit me.  As the years went on I was knocked right down.

In dance – I was hit by a pizza delivery bike when I was in secondary school and had ongoing problems with my knees and ankles. This made people tell me, forget about dancing… your career will never happen so give up… This is something I had devoted even my education to as I wanted to take GCSE Dance. Further blows happened when I had to move school during my GCSE years and the new school I went to did not even offer it as a course. So begrudgingly I gave up that dream. Now the only time people see me dance is when I am drunk. Sometimes I still dance to music in the corner of my bedroom with the curtains closed and the door shut but it is a far cry from where I was (making up dance routines in my living room to music.)

In Acting – A massive problem I had was auditions. If I had the chance to take my time and learn lines I would be fantastic (my opinion obviously) but in auditions, you don’t have time to prepare. This was at a time when I did not know I was dyslexic. Side note- when I was diagnosed I was told I had the reading age of a 5-year-old. That was at the age of 16. Now imagine that in an audition not only trying to act but remember what you were supposed to be saying. So once again I was told, give it up… I have no hope and by that stage, I had lost so much confidence that I stopped going to auditions and shied away from even considering GCSE drama. I believed what I was told…

Singing – Well I fell in love with caffeine and that obviously affected my abilities but because of the other things and scary music teacher I lost confidence in me. I never let anyone hear me sing now. If they do it because the music on my speaker is low enough to hear.

Now at 32 I still love acting, singing and dancing but it is a blessing and a curse. Had I known about my autism and dyslexia – or as others say it Neurodiversity back when I was trying my absolute hardest to get into the industry then maybe, just maybe I would not sit here with aching for something that I always loved in my heart.

Maybe I would not have lost confidence in myself. Maybe I would have got picked for things that I auditioned for. Maybe I would be on Strictly Come Dancing as a celeb partner, but I will never know.

So to all people out there who struggle, who may think that they are neurodiverse in one way, shape or form, find out and learn how to cope with it and push yourself. Because, if you are unable to push yourself to be the person you want to be then you will always be the person that is expected of you. That is no life… I know, I made that mistake years ago and regretted it ever since.

Abuse, Fear, Trust and Anger

Due to some really hateful things that were said to me about my videos I have decided not to do them anymore.

So today I am going to talk about surviving abuse, fear, trust, and Anger. You might all think that fear trust and anger go part and parcel of fear, trust, and anger and that I will be making the same point repeatedly. In some cases it is true, they are linked but I am also going to talk about how they are different.

So let’s start with fear. Most people think fight or flight when they think about fear, some may even think about the freezing aspect. When you are a survivor of abuse, however, there is a 4 option and that is submission. When you start getting abused you deal with fight or flight or freeze but when it is prolonged like it has been for me you get into this state of submission. You stop fighting because that is the only way to survive. Flight, especially in some cases, is not possible and you certainly have not frozen. You choose to survive and that involves submission. It is not you giving in, it is you choosing to survive.

Whether it is verbal, emotional, physical or sexual you find yourself submitting to stay alive. You might think that verbal and emotional is easy to get away from because there is no one assaulting your body but it is just as hurtful as physical or sexual and is harder to identify. The reason for this is because there are no visible scars and so your abusers can shrug off the effects that they have caused you to others as, “their acting out” or that “they are lying”. This happened to me with the people my parents brought into our house. Their kids would sexually abuse me and when I would not do what they wanted they made me out to be this monster… Soon over time, no one believed anything I said so I had to submit in order to survive. I would, however, do what I could to keep my distance. I would try and force myself into school with a fever so that they would not be called to look after me while my parents were at work… The downside to this, however, is that my mum was an ex-nurse so she knew when I had to stay home from school. I would then get so clingy to my parents but still left with them. So submission was my only way to survive.

Trust is the next thing I want to talk to you about. It is a wonderful thing, however, victims of abuse never have that luxury. Whether it was my parents physically abusing me, family friends sexually abusing me or siblings emotionally abusing me, I learned that I could not trust anyone. This has followed me into my adult life and because of this, I have very few people that I would consider a friend. I just do not make friends easily and as such I find it hard to trust what peoples intentions are. This is because of the trust that I put in people who were supposed to protect me growing up ad they did not. You may think it is something to get over, but when you have lost trust in people you should not have lost trust in then it becomes very much so, a part of who you are. It informs your developing mind and makes it harder for you to trust anyone.

Anger for me is a very difficult one to deal with. I find that due to my history there are certain situations that bring real anger out of me. On a night out some guys tried to pull a friend down a dark alley and I nearly got myself arrested with my angry outburst. This is not something that is easy to fix. This is, especially in my situation where I still have to live with the people who caused a lot of problems for me growing up almost an impossible task. Honestly, though it is not the anger over what they did and allowed to happen to me that gets me angry anymore, it is the fact that I am stuck now due to people being unable and unwilling to help me.

Now finally onto the Abuse. NO ABUSE IS ACCEPTABLE. We, however, as a society, need to find a way to help people in a seriously complex situation out. There are people like me out there who cant access help because their situations are so complex that it does not fit into any one category. For people like me the only way out if to get help from someone and when no one is willing to listen or help, you feel alone and remain once again STUCK! Many survivors of abuse play it’s my fault game but how can a 6-year-old, being forced to learn what a 69ner is really been at fault? This has rocked my faith, my self-confidence, every relationship I have ever had and now when I am finally able to say I need help the authorities are putting me in a situation where I can’t get help because I am unable to report it for fear of both myself and someone else….

I am hoping someone out there with me being open and honest about my story will help me. Please see my Gofundme page entitled help me survive.  https://t.co/27kabyJJdN

The money is going to be used in the following ways:

  1. clear off all debts so that I can start off clean
  2. find somewhere to live that is suitable for my needs as well as financially viable
  3. Pay a few months in advance so if needed I can get benefits
  4. Change my name so my abusers will no longer be able to find me and I can cut ties with them completely.
  5. kit out my new place with the things I need to heal and grow stronger in myself.

If you can help me please please donate or even share with others.. I need help and no one is able to help me.