suzefricker@mylifeaccordingtome.org Available all the time, just send me an email and I will get back to you.

Giving Up

I feel like giving up.

Again I have been rejected for help and support for my disabilities. Everywhere I was being bogged off too I have tried to contact and in over a month they have not gotten back to me.

There are potential benefits that I could possibly apply but no one is telling me how to apply for them.

How the hell am I supposed to get support? I will have to pay for it now and honestly how the hell am I going to do that? £725 per month in rent £300 in bills and £370 to pay for a loan. £200 spare of my salary and £400 in disabilities which comes in once every 4 weeks. This does not tally with my other personal bills will I pay £250 a month to. I only get £1600 per month so I have to live off my benefits for food and other things so that I am able to get support.

I am an abuse survivor and no one is able to help me. I am seriously angry and upset.

Honestly, how can I continue to support other people when I get zero support in return. I feel like giving up.

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Gender Identity – Continued

I made a post earlier (a while ago) where I discussed my issues over gender identity. This was a big step for me. It is not something that I am used to being open about. I took it one step forward this week, I spoke to a colleague about it and she informed me that it is in line with the label “gender fluid”.

The definition of Gender Fluid is “denoting or relating to a person who does not identify themselves as having a fixed gender”. This is generally how I feel on a day to day basis. The idea for me is that even though I was born a female I don’t always feel like it. Until my last relationship where I was “forbidden” from buying men’s clothes, I had both men’s clothes and women’s clothes in my wardrobe. When I had to go to work I would go out in what I was expected to be seen in but when I was at home it was a toss-up between men and women’s clothes. I would go with whatever felt comfortable with at the time.

Because I was unable to wear the clothes I wanted to all the time, I started displaying some more masculine traits during my last relationship. If someone did something that offended me I would be more of a brawler and acted more like a man would, especially when it came to protecting female friends. Although, this gave me the image that I was not a feminine woman which was a turn off to men, which whilst I was in a relationship was not a worry but now I am single again, is a concern.

However, I was the other day called a very feminine woman, the reason behind it was I crossed my ankles at a meeting. It was such a surprise to the person who saw it that they felt they had to say something. I do not know how to feel about it really.

I do have one thing to say, even if I am gender fluid, it is still me. I am still the same person who I was 10-20 years ago however, I just don’t identify one way or another. I, do, however, respect the gender that I was born into and the struggles that the gender I went through to get the rights that they have now.