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The lost generation – Autism

There are some seriously big issues with people who have been lost in the system. I was one of them. When I was younger the only people who got diagnosed as autistic were boys, violent girls or low functioning girls. This led to the image that Autism was a boys problem which it was not. There were those of us who knew how to “mimic” normal behaviour a lot better than others.

As such, I got forgotten by the system. No one knew why I had trouble making friends, troubled socialising and other issues. I was born in 1986 and I spent most of my life trying to figure out my way in the world. This caused me problems. I created images of what a good employee would be and I would work so hard to make sure that my family and colleagues would not know that I was “defective” but I just got so run down. I would get so run down I would end up getting so depressed that I would get signed off and leave my job.

Because of certain situations, I was unable to get my early years of information. The process needs to be amended to cater for those who need help. It would mean that there would be situations where the forgotten are unable to get everything they need for a formal diagnosis and stuck in the land of Inconclusive.

I was lucky. Even though I got inconclusive, I had a statement that said “in my professional opinion she is very likely to be autistic but without early years information we are unable to say officially. She should be treated as if she had  a complete diagnosis.” This has helped me get the support I needed until I had to move however, how many people who do not have this kind of sentence in their report. How many people are stuck in that limbo?

Jennifer McQueen Part 4

Jennifer sat down with Matilda. Matilda was sitting down and talking to her. She was saying things about the process they were going through. Jennifer was sitting there and listening to her. She felt seriously weird. What she didn’t realize was her leg was twitching but Matilda did.

“Is everything ok Jennifer, your leg is twitching?”. Jennifer looked down at her leg. She immediately stopped doing it.

“Yes, I am ok. I do this my entire life. I randomly start twitching. I have never understood why I do it. It seems to happen when I am stressed out or when I feel uncomfortable but I never know why I am doing it or even when I am doing it. Sounds strange, huh, not knowing when your leg is twitching?”

Matilda looked at her and wrote something down. However, she noticed that Jennifer’s leg started twitching again.

“So the way this works is that we have some conversations and then some tests and then I will provide you with an answer, hopefully”. Matilda noticed that Jennifer’s leg was twitching more. “What’s wrong Jennifer?” she asked.

“What do you mean hopefully?” Jennifer responded.

“Well some of the information we do not have so we have to go by the information that we have now. This may not provide you with an answer straight away. But we will be going through this together”.

Jennifer’s twitching stopped and they started to talk. Matilda noticed that throughout the time they had together Jennifer’s leg would twitch occasionally and they would try and explore why in the time.


Halfway through the session they had Matilda asked Jennifer about change. Jennifer started thinking about times in her life when she had a problem with change. She thought about the day in school when her mum couldn’t walk her there which was a break in the norm and she got so upset that her mum ended up being late for work.

She also thought about the time her parents were supposed to take her to the library and they ended up being unable to do so and she got upset. She then remembered every time she got upset when she had to give up her single room to share with a sibling. She remembered how when she was told the change was happening that she would throw a hissy fit and get into trouble. She never understood why these things happened. She remembered feeling so low in herself. She looked at her siblings and did not see them doing these things and thought she was defective. She could not understand why she was so different.

There were numerous other instances when she suddenly could not make a journey how she planned or there was an unforseen issue on transport. When things were changed at work like her shift and she did not know what was happening or even when she was warned of a change and she got so upset that she would start crying. She never knew why she just new that she felt physically drained at the end of it.

Jennifer relayed this to Matilda and she started writing again. Matilda was keeping things to herself but Jennifer felt relief. All the time in her life she felt defective she was finally able to talk to someone about it. She was able to share her concerns with someone and work her way through it.


During her second session with Matilda, Jennifer was asked about her senses. She remembered that she had always had sensitive hearing. She could always hear both sides of a telephone call even if she was not next to anyone. She could watch tv with the volume level so low (Between 5-10)and still be able to hear every word that was being said. At times people thought she was making it up and that was when she would repeat all the lines that were being said back to them.

Jennifer recalled to Matilda the times when she has been on a bus and has smelt cigarettes when someone has gotten on the bottom deck and she was on the top. It often made her feel sick. She also recalled the physical reaction she had to smells. One time when she was at a job someone had worn too much perfume. No one else could smell it, so they said, but it engulfed her to the point that she threw up multiple times and had to go home.

She also talked about how she can taste differences in food. The number of times her ex had made her a cup of tea and she complained the milk had been off. Her ex would brush it off and say she was being silly and then a few hours later, the same milk bottle would be thrown out because they finally smelt what she had tasted.

Yet again this was something that she thought was her being defective.

During the question/conversation aspect she was asked a lot about things. She realized, later, after these sessions were done, that she should not seem to have the knowledge she did. She talked about things she loved, like TV shows that she could remember specific things years after the show had finished. Matilda brought up a list of episodes for her and Jennifer was able to tell her exactly what happened in each episode. She even remembered the opening theme word for word.

Jennifer also talked about her interest in crime and psychology. She talked about profiling and the murder triangle.

All Jennifer remembered from the testing aspect was the broken part. She was allowed to play with some toys. She was drawn to a box that had nails in. You could make designs on it. Matilda asked her why she liked it so much. Jennifer explained that even on small surface areas like this a valid fingerprint could be obtained. She also explained how it would be done.

For Jennifer, this was a normal conversation but she also knew people would not like it. Her love of crime and criminal psychology had freaked many people out in the past. When she tried to do book reports on criminals or reviews of newspapers so she chose news stories on serial killers.

Jennifers’ leg started twitching a lot when she was doing this. She explained that she did not know much about friendship. Those who seem to be her friends always seem to teeter off. She didn’t have anyone who she called a friend. She tried so much but then gave up.

After all of the sessions were complete she, Jennifer had to wait to get the report on how defective she was and hope that she could get help.

Note from the Author
I started writing this story to share my imagination. Partly as a therapeutic tool but also in the hopes to get some fundraising done for my needs. If you like my story and feel like you would like to help me please donate to my PayPal pool. If you would be willing to help please donate what you can to every penny helps. I will hopefully have the next installment for you next week.

Autism and water

I have been reading why I am drawn to water. It calms me. When I am getting lost in myself, I often find my way to a body of water. Whether it is a canal, a river or just heavy rain puddles. I am very good at getting lost in things that make me smile.

I think it is linked to my autism. I read up on autism and found that autistic people can be drawn to large bodies of water. Glad to know that I have a river opposit my flat yippee!

Jennifer McQueen Part 3

As she sat down with the stranger, Jennifer’s mind started to wonder.


1992 School yard

Jennifer and her class was walking across the playground with people in her class. She was seriously confused with what was happening around her. Everyone tried to sit down but the older kids were sitting on the benchs. Jennifer did not know how to get them off the bench. She was thinking, “only year twos on this bench”. This thought went through her head over and over again. It filled her thoughts and it was all she could do to scream.

Jennifer stood up and opened her mouth to speak but what came out was not what was in her head. She was surrounded by people who were from ethnic minorities and what came out of her head was “only white people on this bench.” She did not know where that came from. She was confused. She looked around and everyones face was angry. Again, she did not understand what was happening. The kids all stood around her and she did not know what was happening. A teacher came past and asked what was going on. One of the kids told the teacher and she did nothing.

Jennifer still did not know what was happening. She was confused. What the hell was going on. Luckily the bell rang and she was saved from a beat down. She did not know why she was going to get one. She made a mistake which she did not know how what she wanted to say, she did not understand why people were upset.


2018 Meeting room

Jennifer was shaken out of the mind vault that she fell into. Again she was looking at this stranger and was trying to read her face. She could not do it. She had picked up a few things in her life however she was never really got to grips with everything. The stranger was sitting there staring at her.

“Hi, my name is Matilda and we will be working together.” The stranger said which made Jennifer jump. So this person was called Matilda. She wondered what on earth was happening however, she felt that she was supposed to say something so she did. “Hi, my name is Jennifer”.


Next installment soon.


Note from the Author

I started writing this story to share my imagination. Partly as a therapeutic tool but also in the hopes to get some fundraising done for my needs. If you like my story and feel like you would like to help me please donate to my PayPal pool. If you would be willing to help please donate what you can to every penny helps. I will hopefully have the next installment for you next week.

Jennifer McQueen Part 2

Jennifer turned up to her appointment. She didn’t know why she was there she knew that she was different but did not know why the appointment would make any difference. She looked around the room and realized instantly she felt warm and safe. She didn’t know what about the room made her feel this safe but she just did.

She looked around and saw that she was sitting in a small room with windows that opened up to a children’s play area. She could feel the joy that would be had on the children’s toys and it made her smile. She knew that people would not understand that. She had kept that to herself for so long. She looked at the sky and it was raining. Jennifer did what she always did when it rained, she put her arm out of the window. The rain felt cool against her skin. She closed her eyes and felt the calming sensation she always got with the rain. She felt the tingling of her skin and took a deep breath. Just as she did this a woman walked into the room.

The woman was tall and slender. She had beautiful blond hair. Jennifer looked at her and automatically the song Jolene started playing in her head. Often when she looked at people she associated songs with them. She never understood why this happened. People who caused her problem often got rock songs associated with them. When she got into trouble and did not know why the rock songs played or when she liked someone who didn’t know she exists it would be songs from movies.

The woman was looking at Jennifer as if she was sizing her up. Jennifer did not know whether she needed to run and hide or speak so she just stood there staring. The woman started talking.

“Hi, my name is Matilda, and I am here to talk to you. You can sit if you would like or stand if you would like”.

So this woman’s name was Matilda. Jennifer thought, she does not look like the Matilda from the movie and got lost in the fact that she did not look like her. Then her mind told her, “how could she look like her, Matilda was a child in the movie.”  Jennifer shook her head and sat down.

This was the start of something that would change Jennifer’s world forever.


Note from the Author

I started writing this story to share my imagination. Partly as a therapeutic tool but also in the hopes to get some fundraising done for my needs. If you like my story and feel like you would like to help me please donate to my PayPal pool. If you would be willing to help please donate what you can to every penny helps. I will hopefully have the next installment for you next week.

The Story of Jennifer McQueen Part 1

Jennifer McQueen could not understand why she was different. She had always been different but did not know why. Why was she different from all the girls in her class? Why did she have to be who she was? She just could not understand it. This all changed one day when she met Matilda. Matilda, unbeknownst to her would show her what it was like to be different. She would show Jennifer that it was ok to be who she was and, that her uniqueness brought a whole set of amazing skills that she never knew she had.


Jennifer was born into a family that was normal. They lived in a normal house, had normal jobs and went to normal schools. They were typically normal. This made things hard for Jennifer who was not normal. She would often get into trouble for acting out because she was different from everyone else. She never understood why.

She made other people feel uneasy because she was different. She was bullied in school because she was not like everyone else and her teachers did not get her. After a while, she chose to start hiding who she was as best she could. She would take the ridicule and she stopped sharing whatever she was able to keep to herself.

To say that she had no friends would be an understatement but to Jennifer, but she did not care. She kept herself busy in her own mind with the people she wished she was and who she was. In Jennifer’s mind, she had groups of friends that would never let her down and never let her stand alone.


Matilda never knew that one day she would change the life of someone so drastically. She went to work every day looking for people with specialness inside. Most of the time these people knew they were special and she was just a step on the way to finding their full potential but never in her life did she think that she would meet someone who didn’t know who they were so much.

One day, Matilda went into work and found that she had a new client. Jennifer McQueen was her name. Little did she know that what she would do for Jennifer would change her life so completely but she was so wrong.


Note from the Author

I started writing this story to share my imagination. Partly as a therapeutic tool but also in the hopes to get some fundraising done for my needs. If you like my story and feel like you would like to help me please donate to my PayPal pool. If you would be willing to help please donate what you can to every penny helps. I will hopefully have the next installment for you next week.

Tuna Fish Soup!

So, I have been trying to figure out this cooking thing. I was given bits and pieces of the recipe, unfortunately, one of the key parts was missing. Be careful how much sauce you put in.

When you’re autistic it is very difficult to figure out cooking instructions especially those done by chefs. Reduce this to me = pour some out. Separate the eggs, well clearly one went in one corner and another went in the other. So tried this recipe without any instructions I applaud myself, however, instead of Tuna Fish Pie I made Tuna Fish Soup. Literally, I poured it onto the plate instead of dishing it up.

The learning curve, I think I need to do a test on how much source is needed. This is the only way in which I will be able to properly assess how much would make it a good pie instead of a soupy mess…

I have never been too good with cooking so I am working this out as I go. However, I am doing what I can to make it more sensible to me instead of a crazy mess. What I do not like about cooking however is the cleanup :S Sometimes I really wish I had a dishwasher!

To help with the Autism Cause however here is the recipe;

  1. Preheat the over to 180 degrees
  2. Peel the skin off the potatoes that you are going to use.
  3. Bring the potatoes to the boil,
  4. Leave to simmer on low temperature for 20-30 minutes
  5. The check is soft with a sharp knife stab the potatoes after.
  6. Drain the potatoes
  7. put in a spoon of butter then mash the potatoes.
  8. Once this is done open a tin of tuna.
  9. Drain the Tuna
  10. Depending on how many people you are cooking for put tuna into a bowl. If it is one person go by your love of tuna.
  11. Add in 1 handful of frozen peas
  12. Add in a small amount of sauce. It should be enough to cote the Tuna and the pees but not so much that you look like you are making soup.
  13. Put into an oven dish the tuna, peas, and sauce.
  14. Add on top the mashed potato
  15. spread out the mashed potato
  16. add a layer of cheese on top
  17. cook for 20-30 minutes in the oven (which you have preheated)
  18. Serve

Hopefully, those instructions help you. If this recipe has helped you learn something new, please consider donating to my Paypal Pool;