When I was in London this week helping my mum with my dad and working I watched a show called Secert Teacher.
Steven Barlett went undercover in a school to give two young people an opportunity they never would have had. But I wonder, where is the help for those of us who came before.
I am older then he is by 7 years so when he was in reception I was already in year 7 & 8. I had dreams but growing up for me in the 90s was hard going. Girls could not be autistic and dyslexia was ignored by schools unless parents forced the issue. So I went through school being told I was lazy and not understanding why I was not like everyone else. I honestly didn’t even think I would get GCSEs and thought that my only aspiration in life would be a toilet cleaner if that. All but one school wrote me off.
Where was my millionaire to help me? No where in site.
I am like many people in my age group who got missed and ignored by the system due to lack of knowledge and pure ignorance. Maybe one day someone will reward me and help me get the things I need done done. But that is highly unlikely. I guess this generation gets all the break and my generation gets to stay invisible and our dreams ignored.
Now I keep my dreams to myself because I know, I have no way to achieve them and where people like Steven Bartlett can succeed people like me can’t.
I feel like giving up.
Again I have been rejected for help and support for my disabilities. Everywhere I was being bogged off too I have tried to contact and in over a month they have not gotten back to me.
There are potential benefits that I could possibly apply but no one is telling me how to apply for them.
How the hell am I supposed to get support? I will have to pay for it now and honestly how the hell am I going to do that? £725 per month in rent £300 in bills and £370 to pay for a loan. £200 spare of my salary and £400 in disabilities which comes in once every 4 weeks. This does not tally with my other personal bills will I pay £250 a month to. I only get £1600 per month so I have to live off my benefits for food and other things so that I am able to get support.
I am an abuse survivor and no one is able to help me. I am seriously angry and upset.
Honestly, how can I continue to support other people when I get zero support in return. I feel like giving up.
I am invisible. I have been invisible since I was in school. Not one of the 3 primary schools and two secondary schools picked up on the fact that I was dyslexic. The medical society refused to recognize women with autism unless they were seriously on one end of the scale so we just got labeled problem children.
I am invisible. That’s why I can’t be seen by people.
So, June 29, 2019, I finally moved out of my parents home. This is a major achievement for me. When I tried to move out previously I crashed and burned partly because I did not have support for my AUtism. I wasn’t even diagnosed at that point. So, the fact that I managed to move out is amazing.
I am still very scared about it as I don’t have certain things that I need for example I do not have a table and chairs to eat at, proper sofas, coffee table but I am getting there, I think.
The unpacking is a very long process for me and it is taking me a while to get everything sorted :S.
However, I have been doing things that I hadn’t done before. I found a commuter hub near me so when I am working from home, if I do not want to work on my own then I can just go two doors down and work in the commuter hub. I have found my local post office and my local doctors. My mum is keeping a room for me so that if I need a break and some mummy love to avoid me crashing and burning again, I will have somewhere to go. Also, she is letting me come and stay with them when I need to work longer than 1 day in the office so that it saves me on travel costs. I know the easy route to walk to the station and where the buses go.
I have yet to set up my autism support but that will come.
The sad part is that I do not have any birthday presents or cards this year and I had to move PDQ because I found out that my abusive ex is likely to move back to London and as such I did not want him knowing where I lived. At work, I had security persons to keep him away but at home not so much so I had to move pretty sharpish to feel safe. Honestly, though I choose the right place for me. I am happy with the place I have. It might be further out but you know what it is mine and I love it.
So, because I am due to move out again on my own for the first time properly on June 29th I am starting to get my anxiety levels spiking again. I know what happened when I tried before and it was basically a disaster. This time I will be truly out on my own and so my anxiety is starting to fly high again.
But what helps me keep things in check is remembering one simple thing. What I am worried about might happen but it might not. It is a perceived threat and not an actual threat. When people are trying to deal with anxiety the line between the two can get distorted so I have to keep reminding myself that something is a perceived threat.
So far I have not made it to a full autistic meltdown but other than that I am surviving.
Feeling a little low tonight.
Remembering the training course I have been on. The teacher makes these comments about me and I just want to hide away. I feel he needs to learn more about tolerance of people with other disabilities. I feel like I have to hide away. I don’t think I will ever go on any training course where this trainer is teaching ever again.
So, I have just heard that Ryan air has caused problems for an autistic child. Seriously angry about this because as an Autistic woman who has been treated poorly by an airline I know how stressful it can be. The fact that they are passing the buck to the airport is disgusting. If the Ryanair people were not to fault why did they not find a way to get them home.
From my own experience, I know that the airlines work with the airports for all their passengers and if one fails they all fail.
Ryanair needs to apologize and the people who laid hands on him need to make sure that their staff training is better…much better. I am never EVER going to fly with Ryanair.