When I came back from my much needed holiday to Italy I have come across two things that have made me feel honored.
Before I went away, I did a blog for work about Autism and faith. Essentially it was about how I work around the things that I want to do for my faith whilst also knowing some of my limitations within the autistic side of me.
What I have come back to from work is that some people have contacted me to talk about how they can better understand autism and how they can help people. This is a real honor for me. I am by no means an expert on Autism because I am still learning what Autism means for me, however, if I can help in a small way to make someone’s life a bit easier and to also help encourage more understanding of what Autism actually is then I am very glad.
I have seriously decided men are really cruel.
I was trying to date again and when people found out that I was disabled one guy walked out of the date and the other one said: “I could get past your looks, but disabled too, damaged goods”. It is seriously mean and cruel for people to say things like this.
Honestly, I hated it. What is wrong with me? I have a kind heart and work very hard and yet people are soo mean to me. Why? Why do you have to get your rocks off hurting me 😦
I know this is something that people have issues with relationships, even more so when you are autistic.
I have struggled my entire life to understand what a real friendship is. Not just having friendships but keeping them. Since my autism diagnosis however, being able to accept my short falls, I can safely say I have friends. It is amazing for me to say this. I never really had a frame of reference so I had to discuss it with my support worker but I have friends.
This however brings on the fear of how do I make sure that I do not loose them?
I am just so happy I can say this out loud.
So, I should note that this will likely change from one autistic person to another. But whilst the method may change, the principle still remains the same.
Since my diagnosis in 2018, I have had to find ways to cope. The biggest thing that I have struggled with is meltdowns. How do you survive a meltdown? For me, my meltdowns come in stages. These stages are different levels of severity.
What I have learned helps for me is music. Whilst I was on holiday, I was getting stressed and didn’t have my music with me (dopey me left my phone at the hotel). I had an overexcited day doing things that I never thought I would ever do and then was on a boat where people were speaking VERY LOUDLY and I was on the verge of a meltdown.
Any other time I always make sure I have my phone with me for the music because when it is on I am able to zone out and calm down. So how can this work for you? try finding something that ALWAYS calms you. For me its music, for you it could be screaming, or singing, or using a fidget spinner but always keep it with you. Don’t be afraid to use it and you may find that your meltdown may be staved off.
If any of you try this let me know how it goes for you.
This sounds like a bizarre post to put up but there is a reason for it. I went away on holiday which in itself was great. Unfortunately, the airline and the airports let me down in a big way both getting out to Italy and coming back. I honestly never felt more isolated in my life and I was traveling with a group of people.
The thing is, I decided that I would not let that define the holiday and I decided that I wanted to make sure that the people involved are actually held to account. As such I have made complaints to the airline and the airports.
The lady I spoke to today reminded me that, most people who have a bad experience will choose only to complain to the people that they know. They will accept the negative experience as something they should not question. When you have a disability it can also feel embarrassing. The question I should put to you at this point is, how can anything get better if the person or company who has done you harm, do not know that something has happened.
So, I encourage everyone with a disability, if you experience service in any form that has made you feel isolated, out of place or discriminated against then please raise a complaint and make sure that your voice is heard.
I feel it closing,
The familiar feel,
The desperation and emptiness,
Why is it back?
I do what I can to keep it away so why is it back?
What more can I do to keep it at bay?
How can I stop getting this lonely sinking feeling from engulfing me whole?
The emptiness is coming again. This time its stronger and I don’t know what caused it
I look out of the window and there it is, the black hole is beckoning me, its invisible forces pulling me closer and closer
It would be so easy for me to just let it bring me in but I know what the other side of that is,
The loneliness, the lack of work, I have fought to keep myself on the right side of that black hole but honestly, I always know,
One false step, one false move, can send me hurtling back to it and put me back in its orbit,
I can’t keep fighting without any support yet no one wants to help me.
How can it be that someone in need can’t be helped?
Not one person out there can see this black hole, I know it is there
It is closing in…
This is a random title I know but it is to explain something to you. Prior to 2018 and my diagnosis of Autism, I felt like I was in a box. I did not feel like I was able to express to people why I felt different or what I was struggling with. I felt like I was in a steel box that I could not get out of and it was very isolating.
Since my diagnosis, however, I feel like someone opened the lid to the box and set me free. This is because I have been able to be my true self.
The problem with being let out of the box is that no one wants you to be out. They want you neatly categorized because that is how they know who you are and what you are doing. This for me is something I can not let happen to me ever again. I was in that box for 31 years and I never held a steady job for a long period of time and moreover, I was struggling with my mental health. So when someone sends ignorance my way, I fight their views and their ignorance. The second that I stop fighting these ignorant people who refuse to accept difference as a positive they win and I will be back in the box. If I stop being open about my autism I put myself back in the box and I can not go back into that cold place. I just wont do it!