I am invisible. I have been invisible since I was in school. Not one of the 3 primary schools and two secondary schools picked up on the fact that I was dyslexic. The medical society refused to recognize women with autism unless they were seriously on one end of the scale so we just got labeled problem children.
I am invisible. That’s why I can’t be seen by people.
So, June 29, 2019, I finally moved out of my parents home. This is a major achievement for me. When I tried to move out previously I crashed and burned partly because I did not have support for my AUtism. I wasn’t even diagnosed at that point. So, the fact that I managed to move out is amazing.
I am still very scared about it as I don’t have certain things that I need for example I do not have a table and chairs to eat at, proper sofas, coffee table but I am getting there, I think.
The unpacking is a very long process for me and it is taking me a while to get everything sorted :S.
However, I have been doing things that I hadn’t done before. I found a commuter hub near me so when I am working from home, if I do not want to work on my own then I can just go two doors down and work in the commuter hub. I have found my local post office and my local doctors. My mum is keeping a room for me so that if I need a break and some mummy love to avoid me crashing and burning again, I will have somewhere to go. Also, she is letting me come and stay with them when I need to work longer than 1 day in the office so that it saves me on travel costs. I know the easy route to walk to the station and where the buses go.
I have yet to set up my autism support but that will come.
The sad part is that I do not have any birthday presents or cards this year and I had to move PDQ because I found out that my abusive ex is likely to move back to London and as such I did not want him knowing where I lived. At work, I had security persons to keep him away but at home not so much so I had to move pretty sharpish to feel safe. Honestly, though I choose the right place for me. I am happy with the place I have. It might be further out but you know what it is mine and I love it.
So, because I am due to move out again on my own for the first time properly on June 29th I am starting to get my anxiety levels spiking again. I know what happened when I tried before and it was basically a disaster. This time I will be truly out on my own and so my anxiety is starting to fly high again.
But what helps me keep things in check is remembering one simple thing. What I am worried about might happen but it might not. It is a perceived threat and not an actual threat. When people are trying to deal with anxiety the line between the two can get distorted so I have to keep reminding myself that something is a perceived threat.
So far I have not made it to a full autistic meltdown but other than that I am surviving.
Feeling a little low tonight.
Remembering the training course I have been on. The teacher makes these comments about me and I just want to hide away. I feel he needs to learn more about tolerance of people with other disabilities. I feel like I have to hide away. I don’t think I will ever go on any training course where this trainer is teaching ever again.
So, I have just heard that Ryan air has caused problems for an autistic child. Seriously angry about this because as an Autistic woman who has been treated poorly by an airline I know how stressful it can be. The fact that they are passing the buck to the airport is disgusting. If the Ryanair people were not to fault why did they not find a way to get them home.
From my own experience, I know that the airlines work with the airports for all their passengers and if one fails they all fail.
Ryanair needs to apologize and the people who laid hands on him need to make sure that their staff training is better…much better. I am never EVER going to fly with Ryanair.
Through talking to other autistic people I feel like I can say this with confidence. When you have to get something out you gotta get it out. I regularly find myself with songs stuck in my head and the only way to get it to stop is to sing it. It is important for me to get it out otherwise I get stressed out.
Before my diagnosis, my ex used to get frustrated with me because we would be having dinner and then I would just start singing something. Before my diagnosis, I did not understand why I did it, but now I do and when I need to get something out, I just gotta get it out. Sometimes it has to be a couple of times before it goes but it goes away eventually.
Just remember if you are autistic and you need to get it out just do it. Don’t be concerned about the people around you. It would be worse if you kept it in and that lead to a meltdown.
I have had a tough week this week. Started off by not sleeping well on a Monday night and that had a knock-on effect for the whole week.
However, hard week aside I am still working on keeping positive and ongoing by making sure that I do things to help me stay active and keep on gaining more and more independent. It is important for me to gain my independence as I will not always be with my parents in their house and I need to be able to take care of myself.
Hope everyone is doing well.