Available all the time, just send me an email and I will get back to you.

Only You can make you happy

So, as I have discussed many a time I was diagnosed as being Autistic at the age of 31. Before then I was getting things wrong in a major way in my life.

I would jump from one relationship to another one. I would get so down in work that I never lasted longer than 3 years. Shortest job I had was 2 months. I could never be happy. Even when I was happy it was limited.

But, in 2018 (after my diagnosis) my longest relationship ended. We ended as friends which is something that I am eternally grateful for. What it also gave me however, was the ability to think what I needed for me. I was struggling with my diagnosis because I had some people talking about how I was acting up to the diagnosis and others who plain refused to admit it. For me it was like I had a weight lifted off of my shoulder which meant that I could actually be myself for the first time in 31 years.

Since then I have learned that only you can make yourself happy. It sounds simple enough and you may find people saying “No Doy”. But this is a hard thing to do. We put so much of our self worth into what other people think of us that we forget that we are all separate and unique individuals. Even in this lock down situation we find it hard to make ourselves happy. But what does it mean to make yourself happy?

For me, it is doing things that I plan to do. So, I took a week off of work and I wanted to deep clean my flat. It has taken me all week, there has been a lot of ouchies but I did it. This makes me happy. I am teaching myself to code and this makes me happy as I am learning a new skill. I watch videos such as SmileSquad online and those guys and gals always make me laugh.. Check it out!. I watch videos by Dhar Mann and those make me happy to watch and I help people where I can even with the limitations that I have and that makes me happy.

Had me and my ex never broken up I don’t know if I would have been able to find this side of me. I was so dependant on him for my own self worth (not in an abusive way) but just because most of our relationship was before my Autism diagnosis that when we broke up I refused to just jump back in to another relationship. Honestly, it has been the best thing to of happened to me. I am now making myself happy and depending on myself for that. 🙂

You can do it to. Find your ways to make yourself happy 🙂

What Social awkwardness and Confusion feels like

#Autism Social awkwardness and confusion is like listening to a joke that you do not understand. You don’t know whether you are supposed to laugh or not and it makes you feel so strange. You don’t want to ask for an explanation because you do not want to look dumb and you don’t know how the joke maker will feel about you asking.

Another way to look at it for all those Trekkie fans out there is that it is like being like Commander Data on the Star Ship Enterprise only instead of wanting to be more Human you want to be more normal. I often find that when I am in groups of people I want to be able to converse like them but I worry that I do not have the capability and I am always scared I will say the right thing, in the wrong way and offend someone. Then I worry that I won’t know that I have offended them. So, just like Commander Data, I look the same as everyone else but I am always striving to be more like everyone else. #Autism can make you feel so alone even in a crowd of people. #StarTrek#BeingNormal

Day one of leave in lockdown

Hey All

So I scheduled a week off because I needed a break from work. I also needed to get some cleaning done. When you work long days like I have been, it can sometimes be that cleaning gets put to the back burner. So, I have 6 whole working days to clean and relax.

So far I have done loads which has made me very very happy. I have done a lot of cleaning and am keeping myself busy 🙂

Lets see how the rest of the time going 🙂

Grenfell – 3 years on – the effects still linger

I lived in North Kensington when Grenfell Tower went up in flames. 3 years later I am finally diagnosed with PTSD since that fateful day. I can never forget the pain I saw and the horrid things that went on that day. The smell, the heat, the pain. It makes me jump every time I hear a siren. When I smell smoke I have to close my windows and hide away in my bathroom. I have got a go bag incase of a fire at my own place so that I will have at least a charger, a change of clothes and a copy of my insurance documents just incase. That fire affected those who lived in the block and many others who helped out on that day. Honestly I can never forget that day. I am going through therapy now, and it is very hard. I just hope that I do not jump every time I see sirens.


I know I am writing this after many many other posts and you will think that this is just a ploy to get more blog readers. The truth is that I didn’t know what to write until today.

I will start by saying, I am a supporter of the Police across the globe. However, that does not mean I support all police across the globe. It is true that whilst the Police especially in America has come a long way since the days of lynch mobs there are still people who join who have a racist agenda and allow those feelings and beliefs affect their job. Those rotten apples who continue the cycle of police brutality by doing what we have seen recently with George Floyd deserve to be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. This now does not represent the behaviour of all police officers however, and, the ones who do not condone this kind of disgusting behaviour are the police officers that I support.

In the UK if you want to be a Civil Servant and also believe in the BNP party you are actually disqualified from serving and as Civil Servant. I believe that all Police Forces have a duty to find those Police Officers who still hold on to their racist ideology and kick them out or disbar them from ever joining the force.

What happened to George Floyd was disgusting. A life was taken by someone who is sworn to serve and protect. This officer broke his oath and became a murderer. He should be punnished to the full extent of the law. His wife has filed for divorce and taken the kids. I think she is a brave women. She saw what her husband did and said I will not stand for this absolute disgusting behaviour and left him. Those out there who know this woman I ask that you support her and protect her and her kids from any backlash because she clearly believes that Black Lives Matter. If she did not then she would have stood by her husband.

I know the issue of Racism in the States is a complicated issue and it has stemmed from history where Black people have had to deal with some seriously disgusting and horrific behaviour. Your current President does not seem to accept this as something that needs to be dealt with as I hear he tear gassed protestors so he could get a photo opportunity.

What I would ask every Ethnic Minority person in the USA to do is get registered to Vote. Once the election comes round rally your communities and stand up and say no more. Stand up and say we do not want a President who is a racist. When a local election comes and you vote for your local leaders make your voice heard.

I know peaceful processes fail but when you understand where your best chances are for getting change then you will be able to affect it. Focus your efforts on the SWING STATES!. Find out how many people of colour there are in your swing states and campaign to get them to go out and vote. It is so important. If you say “nothing will change if I vote” then nothing will change. But if you band together and get the votes in then there will be change. I seriously believe in democracy and I urge you all to remember that your voice is the voice of the people and without the voice of ALL the people then effective change cant happen.

I end this here with a prayer;

Lord, be with those deciding what to do in this most recent horrific event. Help them see the right way to handle it. Help them and give them strength to prosecute all the officers who either stood by and watched as George Floyd died or caused his death. Be with the jury and give them the strength to be fair and bring the right sentance. Lord I ask you to also be with George Floyds family during this horrific time. To loose a loved one is hard enough but to loose a loved one in these circumstances they must be devastated. Give them the strength to go on. Give them peace and courage and show them that you are there for them no matter what. And Lord I ask you to be with the Citizens of the United States and help them grieve this tragic loss and help bring a new way forward where they can live without fear that their lives are going to be taken away by people sworn to protect them. Lord we are too late to save George Floyd but give those in power the strength to make the changes to hopefully stop any more people of colour from loosing their lives at the hand of those Police who do not respect their oath. Amen

Pandemic goes on

I haven’t posted in a while and that is because I have been struggling during this COVID-19 Pandemic. I am living alone and I have to keep myself going.


Because I am classed as vulnerable to the COVID-19 virus but not clinically vulnerable I have to be very careful with what I do outside the flat. I am able to social distance however, I am unable to force people to social distance so it puts me at risk. I have to avoid key places such as the pharmacy because it is in the shopping center. It also means that I have to have online food orders because I have to avoid going into stores.

I finally got into a routine so that I get some time out of the flat but not as much as I would like. Tuesday’s and Friday’s I check the post. This goes up if I have a parcel as the postman is not allowed to come inside the building. Tuesday’s I also take my rubbish out for collection. If I have letters to post then I take them to the letter box on Tuesday’s as well. It is maybe 5 minutes each way.

The solitude is something that is driving me a bit crazy. I am able to keep going but the negatives are seeping in. Because I am in the flat all the time bills have gone up. I am also struggling to get exercise :(. I am also facing a birthday on my own. No family, no friends and it makes me sad. Some times, I worry about what the sight of the UK will be like post COVID.

Another thing that is getting to me is I want to help. I want to be one of those people who help people in need but because I am vulnerable I have to take care of myself first. This is taking a tole on me but, it is something that is making me focus on my needs. I spend so much time looking after other people I forget about myself. As you can imagine this means I get sick a lot. Being forced to look after myself is a good thing, I think.

What really bugs me is watching the selfish people who are not taking this pandemic seriously. Our Prime Minister eased the restrictions but then I started seeing groups of people congregating. It is not something that I feel good about. These selfish people are the reasons why people like me have to actually stay inside more then we really should have to and honestly it is frustrating.

The positive things I have found is the work that I have been doing with Soldiers Angels. Letters and emails I send to American Service Members have helped keeping me going. I am also storing my food that I cant eat and donating it to the local NHS Hospital. I like helping the Heros who are fighting this horrible illness. I just hope that a second wave is not triggered by the idiots.

I am praying for a vacine to be found soon so that I will be able to see my dad again who is classed as extremely vulnerable. I want to be able to goto my office and see my friends in the coffee shop. I miss Hugs and being able to talk to people without a screen involved. As far as I am concerned though that I am doing what I can to help keep the pandemic down.

Everyone, please stay safe out there and honestly take care of your wellbeing. Stay safe, stay sane and keep up the good work.

If I ran for Prime Minister

Hi all

I have been thinking about this a lot and these are the platforms I would run on if I wanted to run for Prime Minister.

  1. I would get the Department for Transport to look into a way to licensing cyclists. This would mean that to use your bike you would have to have a license to use a pushbike and there would need to be some form of identification sticker or license plate on their bike. This means that cyclists would be held to account when they run a red light or cause an accident and bring in more money for the government. It will be mandatory for all cyclists to learn the highway code as well.
  2. I would find a way to get more electric charging stations and push for a scheme to help people move from diesel to electric cars as well as helping people who need Motability cars to get electric cars as well. This would bring down the UK’s carbon emissions whilst also pathing the way for less dependency on oil.
  3. Benefits – I would have the DWP put sticker guidance for assessment centers and accountability in them for PIP assessments. The current success rate in court is ridiculous and taxpayer money is being sent on appeals that should never have to get to court in the first place. It is painful and stressful to the claimants in real need and there should be a cost to the assessment centers for failing people who still need their disability payments.
  4. Benefits –  New checks and balance system will be put in place for those who have no reason not to work and have been claiming benefits for over 2 years. If you claim you are unfit to work and go to an in-depth independent health assessment for your health and you are deemed fit for work you will be given a timeline to find a job. Once in the job, if you quit before the first 6 months – 1 year and investigation into why you quit will be done. If you are found to have quit for no reason your only benefits will be council tax and rent. This will be sent straight to your landlord and the council. You will be given a budget for your Gas, Electric, and phone bill based on the evidence you provide on how much you pay a month, and a food budget will be pulled together. That will be what you live on until you return to work.
    1. If you leave for health reasons and it is verified that it is real, you will be entitled to full benefits however, this will be reviewed once a year to make sure you are getting the right help and support and that you are still unfit to work. This will include a medical done independently of your GP to avoid bias.
    2. If there is an issue of wrongful termination then you will be allowed to claim benefits however, this will be subject to you going to an employment tribunal. If the tribunal holds that the termination was not wrongful, and if the reason for your termination looks like you wanted to be fired (especially within the first 6 months) you will receive the same benefits as those who quit.
  5. Benefits – During a crisis like Pandemics, there will be due consideration to people who are classed as high risk and clinically vulnerable and if they fall into those categories benefits may be increased to cover extra costs they may incur.
  6. Disability Premiums will be for anyone who claims either PIP or DLA. It will no longer be dependant on whether you are unemployed and claiming a benefit you’re disbarred from just because you want to work and don’t want to claim full benefits.
  7. The Job Market – Zero Hour contracts will be scrapped. Employers will have to work out how many hours they have their zero-hour contract staff working and provide them with a PAYE contract and set amount of hours. This will take away, the abuse of the system especially in the care profession for home care helpers. Over contracted hours will be classed as overtime and employers would have to provide proper holiday and sick leave.
  8. The Civil Service – I would request that the Civil Service work out a pay structure that fits across all departments and have pay scales across the bands that are the same. Some departments may find they have to increase their lower graded staffs Salary to fit in line with this. This means that the yearly pay rise would then be uniformed across all departments. I would also fight for there to be a good balance between parliamentary pay rises and the Civil Service.
  9. NHS – I would bring back some of the ways that NHS trusts to make money for their own hospitals.
    1. Hospitals will be able to have a certain number of beds dedicated to private patients who will pay for their use. If these beds are not being used then NHS patients can use them for free so until an NHS bed becomes available.
    2. People who do not have residency of over 1 year within the UK would have to pay for medical treatment that is routine however emergency life-saving treatment will be on the NHS. After 1 year of residency, and paying tax,  they will be entitled to full free treatment on the NHS.
    3. A review of urgent cares and emergency rooms will be done and if more emergency rooms are needed then this will be investigated and brought into fruition.
    4. Complaints about GPS will go to a centralized place external to the GP surgery and should the complaint be held valid advisories to the GP surgery about corrective measures will be sent. If the surgery does not comply they will be fined.
    5. The costs of prescriptions will be reviewed and a way forward for people who may need multiple medications and not be able to afford the costs will be looked into.
  10. Tuition Fees- A working group will be set up to see how the English Government can do what the Scottish have to create fee-free education for British Citizens. Fees will still be charged for non-British Citizens.
  11. Politics; A law would be looked at to limit one person’s time within the Prime Ministers Seat. Too many terms can lead a leader into troubled waters. This has been seen over and over again in our country so I would have the law adopt a 2 term max. The prime minister could potentially do a 3rd term however, that would only be allowed if important legislation would be lost if their party was voted in again and there was a change in leadership.
  12. Politics: Any MP who is at retirement age will be asked to retire. This is so that the country is not being told one thing and MPS doing another.
  13. Politics – Price Gouging Laws will be brought into place during natural, environmental and viral disasters. This means that stores seen price gouging whether they are supermarkets or small shops will be fined.  This will include stores such as eBay and Amazon.

I also highly doubt I would ever be Prime Minister. I would have to run as an independant and have no money to do it and have to clear off my debt too which I would not be able to do but hey ho…. Dreams are dreams

Lockdown lows

I know I have not written in a while.

I started struggling with loneliness. Being on my own is being horrible. All I am able to do is talk to people through a screen and honestly I am struggling with the fact that I am not able to hug people. I am not able to be held by people or share a coffee. I am feeling the separation. 😦

I have not been out of the flat in over a month and I am going to be here on my birthday. I have given up trying to raise money for what I desperately need and because of this I am just stuck here on my own thinking about everything I need and the things that I cant have 😦

What a life I lead 😦

Day 23 Lockdown – Why cant people follow the rules

Having been inside my flat for 23 days and not going outside I am wondering why people can’t follow the rules.

We have people who are still going out to the park, having parties at their homes, having barbeques and I am seriously wondering why people can’t follow the rules. This virus does not discriminate between young or old, political leaning, religious background and you are always trying to organize yourself to recover where ever you can. When I had symptoms I wanted to sleep every day and spent more time asleep then I was awake. I could not believe it.


We will end up in a full lockdown if these people are not going to do what is meant to do.

Day 22 Lockdown Part 2 – Reconnection

Today I have found myself reconnecting with someone from my school days. She was in my sisters year at school and she was lovely. I found out that she lives in my area and today had an amazing telephone call with her that lasted nearly an hour. This lockdown and pandemic has really helped me reconnect with some amazing people. We need to take this lesson from lockdown and make sure that we remember these things when we can move freely again.

We should be looking at the positives instead of the negatives. Yes we have limited movement but how have you been utilizing the time. I continue with my Charity Work with Soldier Angels but instead of letter writing, I use email instead. It is really nice to wake up in the morning to find an email that cheers me up. I also continue with my Thank You Campaign on Twitter and use my time there too.

What have you been doing?


Hi everyone

This for me is something difficult but I am struggling to find things to do around the flat. I have been asked to create an Isolation WishList which I have now done.

If you have any spare cash and are able to help me keep going during this difficult time please feel free to order something from my wish list as I am on my own and no place to go out to get things.

Wish list

Every little helps.


Day 22 Lockdown Part 1

Theoretically, I was only quarantined for 14 days which ended yesterday so I have not put it in however, I am still locked in the flat so it is an ongoing thing. I really hope they find a vaccine soon for this bug. I am going to go spare!

Today I made the decision that I was going to do some good. Because I am stuck inside I am able to get food parcels, however, due to my issues with food and the fact I cant pick and choose what goes into the parcels I have spare. So, I am pulling all the food that I cant eat and boxing them back up. I am hopefully going to be able to get them to the local hospital staff who may be struggling to get to the supermarket. I hate that I can’t do much but this is something that I can do and I will do.

Try and find your good things 🙂

Day 21 of Lockdown day 14 of quarantine part 3

I made the decision to get a air cooler for when the summer hits. What I will be able to do is cool down the surrounding air to keep cool even when the flat is ridiculously hot.

Lockdown purchase= amazing.

My flat can get into the high 30s when there is a heat wave a portable air cooler is the way I will be able to keep from boiling over, especially when the hot sun comes and if Lockdown lasts into our summer months as the only time I can leave my flat is for medical reasons, check the post or, take my rubbish out. I have to plan ahead or I will find myself in a position I do not want to be in. This pandemic has made me think a lot about my own well being and how I am able to support myself when it is over!

What are you doing with your lockdown time?

Day 21 Lockdown Day 14 Quarantine Part 2

I got my new food parcel today and I have to say I was really pleasantly surprised. From Medway Council, I got an Easter Egg with it. I was so happy to see it because I had resigned myself to no easter egg this year and there it was. I am now going to have to ration it because who knows when I will next be able to go out and buy chocolate.

I just want to say Thank You Medway Council 🙂 You have made this a little more bearable.

Day 21 Lockdown – Day 14 of quarantine Part 1

So today hopefully will be the last day of quarantine however I have been advised to stay inside anyways because I am prone to Chest Infections. I missed a few days of blogging because I was starting to feel lonely and hopeless but had a long chat with a friend in the states and that revived my spirit of survival.

I have also been thinking about myself and my autism. I have never been good at taking compliments. I have started analyzing why and I have figured it out. I DONT UNDERSTAND COMPLIMENTS! I get complimented at work all the time and I never understand why. For me, I am doing my job and your saying I am a star. I don’t understand because I am doing what I am paid to do.

Has any other person with Autism had this trouble understanding compliments?

Day 20 – Lockdown Day 13 Quarantine

Today is day 20 of my lockdown. I have been stuck inside for 3 weeks now. It is day 13 of quarantine and soon I would normally be allowed out, however, because of my health conditions I am stuck inside till lockdown is completely lifted. Even then I probably would be stuck inside. My only connection to the outside world is currently the internet and people watching.

It is easter and this is the first time I will be on my own with no easter eggs and no means of getting one 😦 However, I am starting to live stream church services which is helpful so that I will be able to listen in and continue following my faith

I am thankful for all the angels that have been there to help me and continue to survive 🙂 They are blessed 🙂

Day 17 Lockdown – Day 10 Quarantine

Hey everyone

I have missed a few days of posting. I was cleaning my flat. I have seen many people still flouting the lockdown rules in this country and it is really making me angry. It is soo difficult to know that I am watching the craziness. I am only able to go out to take my rubbish out and taking the post. I see all these horrible people flouting the rules and I want to kick them. How many people have to die before everyone takes it seriously? There are even people out there saying that they believe this is a conspiracy? What the hell?

Then in sad news, the Prime Minister is now in ICU. Honestly, people seriously need wise up and look after themselves and stop being stupid.

Stay safe and stay well.


Day 14 – Personal Lockdown Day 6 Quarantine – Letter to the UK & The World

Dear all,

As you can see, I have been in lockdown for 14 days and quarantine for 6 days. On Sunday 29th March 2020 I started showing COVID-19 symptoms. Since the UK had gone into lockdown on that prior Monday I had only gone out for food or for a walk on Tuesday and Wednesday. However, after I saw the people out there ignoring the lockdown procedures I decided not to go out there again but I still got sick.

You do not want to get COVID-19 symptoms. I started with having a cough which came up really suddenly. Then, I took my temperature which was ranging between 37.6 and 37.9. My breathing was very laboured and I was unable to take deep breaths. My chest was tight and honestly, I wanted to cry. I left London to make sure that my dad was safe however, I was at risk.  I am still recovering. It is taking its toll on me but honestly, I am getting better every day but it is not nice.

I am emploring everyone of you around the world to do your bit. I am an autistic, dyslexic with depression, spinal problems, PTSD, and asthma and I am doing my bit. I am trying to keep myself safe. I keep people at a safe distance and now I have to stay inside for my own health and safety. The whole thing scares me being alone what if I get it worse and then I die :(. We need to stop being selfish and make sure that the people who need help get the help and those who are playing Russian Roulette with their lives are dealt with so that we can get through this Pandemic.

There have been people who have been complaining about lockdown however, here in the UK we do not have it so bad. In some countries, breaking lockdown costs you your life as the police will shoot you.

To all the NHS staff who work tirelessly to fight this pandemic, I want to say thank you very much for everything you do. You are invaluable and are heros. To the staff who are still working in the supermarkets and putting themselves at risk you are heros too.

If you are working on the Front line please look after yourselves and make sure that you are staying safe. Your wellbeing is key. I am here if you need someone to talk to.

Stay safe out there.


Day 12 & 13 of Lockdown & 4 & 5 of Quarentine

I was unable to post yesterday so I am posting today and yesterday.

So I have some good news. After speaking with Social Services for two hours now I have been referred for food parcels and I got my very first one today. I am so happy to have this. I was starting to panic about food. It does beg the question, what can I make out of some of the food that I have been given. What can you make out of parsnips??

Fever is down again and I am happy to say that the cough is subsiding. Everyone seems happy with the way my health is going which is good. Now I have to just focus on not loosing the plot by the end of the pandemic.

Work have been very supportive which has been amazing. I am however struggling to find things to do.

Stay safe out there and keep well.

Day 11 – Personal Lockdown – Day 3 quarantine part 2

So I wanted to write this before I go for another nap.

I have been overwhelmed by the support that I have received. I am hoping that I see more people step forward to help those of us in need. It is important that we pull together to pull through.

Remember our grandparents went through worse.

With my brush with the COVID symptoms I am not risking going out for anything other than going to the doctors. Someone somewhere gave me the symptoms and so I am not risking going into crowded shops again. There are still some people who do not watch what they’re doing.

Please look after yourself and your family. It is important that we take care of everyone around us but remember that we have to look after ourselves as well.

Lockdown is driving me a bit coo coo and I am hoping to have some more energy soon 🙂


It is 12:07 when I write this so officially into the next day of quarentine. I am starting to feel better if not a little over tired.

The coughing that started on sunday has calmed down alot and the fever is still yoyoing but it is going in the right direction.

My voice is starting to come back if only for my sanity to be going. I spent 20 minutes last night laughing at the fact that no matter which way you break the word viagra down it still sounds like your saying viagra. I broke it down in two ways Vi ag ra and Via gra. That is the state of my sanity atm

Please everyone take this Lockdown seriously. My cousin who has a defect in her heart shows signs of Covid now if she goes down hill it could kill her. We already had to bury her brother from a car accident 5 nearly 6 years ago and now we have to face losing her too. All because people are being asswhole. Pleas do your part.

Stay home, protect the NHS and save lives

Day 10 personal lock down day 2 of quarantine

I have today found that I have the best Landlords in the world. They are being so supportive with the fact that I am quarantined in my flat and it has been so nice. I have also met some lovely people on facebook who have been really amazing. Had a long chat with one person today who said she will keep an eye on the trolls on one group and look out for me a bit because she knows what Autism is like.

Be safe out there and the best advice I can give you is the second you notice a symptom call for medical advice. The sooner you can get help the better it is for you.

Day 9 – Personal Lockdown – Day 1 Quarantine

So I developed the COVID-19 symptoms and I was told today that they are typical with all the other ones. I had a doctor call me today to check up on me because I am asthmatic and she was concerned about the breathing. However, she is satisfied that the breathing is more concerning when I am moving around so she told me that I should limit moving within reason. I am fine with that because all I want to do is sleep.

The thing I have to do is to make sure that I eat because Doctor told me to eat no matter what it is. I need the energy. The cough is driving me a bit nuts because my head hurts when I get a coughing fit.

The fever is the worst part of it. It bloody Yo-Yos. It goes down and then it goes up and down again. I would like it to go down and stay down… However, I think I am going to have a while to wait. I hate being sick but with this, I have had to make sure I do ok.

The key thing that I have been told is that once the fever goes then contagiousness should be gone which is something I am hoping is true. It is important to make sure I protect everyone around while also looking after myself.

Please if you develop symptoms stay home, call 111 and do what you have to do.

To all those asswholes who are walking around coughing on first responders saying you have COVID get a grip because if you can leave the damn house you do not have COVID. You are badly raised and your parents should be absolutely ashamed and if their not then their probably a disappointment to their parents. In a time we should be pulling together you have raised kids who think it’s ok to cough and spit on elderly people and first responders when if they got sick they would want everyone to help. All should be ashamed.

Remember Stay Home, Protect the NHS, Save Lives!


Day 8 – Personal Lockdown

So today I developed a cough and what the doctor said was a mild fever – YEAY THE ASTHMATIC HAS COVID SYMPTOMS!!

So on the advice of the NHS 111 service, I have to stay indoors for definite for 14 days. I am on antibiotics, steroids, and asthma inhalers. 14 days I have to figure out how I get my bins put out because I can’t keep the full bins in my flat for 14 days. Don’t think that would be too healthy.

Positive side I have had lots of people offering to help me out whilst I have to stay indoors for 14 days straight. 😦 Need to make sure I get enough sleep and enough liquids to keep my body hydrated.

The outpour of support has been amazing. Even had someone go and collect my medication for me and drop it on my front door for me.



Day 6 part 2 Personal Lockdown

So my day has become infinitely nicer. I posted that I will be stuck in my flat until this is over baring one day a week when I can do one walk and or shop and asked for things to do. Someone had a stack of DVDs and delivered me a whole box of them.

SO I have to stay inside due to risks to me but someone has made this effort to help me stay sane and it has made my day! It makes up for the crappiness of other people!!!

We need more people helping those of us stuck inside and less selfish peopl.

Day 6 Personal Lockdown

So, today is the first day that I am not going outside. It is sooo stressful. I do not know what to do with myself. However, I went onto my local Facebook group for some ideas on what I can do and had some amazing responses. I am trying to stay positive but it’s hard when you have to be away from family for their safety and you’re on your own. If I had the money I would beg my landlady to let me get a cat but unless some amazing person out there gave me a huge cash influx so that I could clear off all of my debts or even just half of them I would not be able to really afford it. 😦

I wish I had money to spend on Amazon to get things to keep me sane 😦

Ah well I guess no commuting will save some money :S

I think I may find myself in the looney bin for this is all over though 😦

Day 5 Personal Lockdown

Today has been difficult. I went out for my walk and realised I may be doing worse for myself by going out every day. I don’t think I can have a walk a day and now am worried about what my health is going to be like when this is all over. I have to exercise because otherwise my health will get worse especially my back condition but at the same time I am not getting any support to do the right things.

I have also started to worry about finance. Because I have to stay in my flat alone for a minimum of 3 months I need to buy more food. Usually I would top up once a month as I would be spending some time in London with my family when I had to work in London which I cant do now. Am I going to have enough to survive a whole month. Been trying to see if I was eligible for benefits to help with the increased costs associated for being at home all the time but the website is soooo slow.

I am now starting to worry.

Day 3 & 4 personal lockdown

So, I forgot to blog yesterday so you get 2 days for the price of 1.

Day 3

The day went well enough  my spirit was high and I even went out out for a walk. I have found it really funny that when I couldn’t go out when ever I wanted I could stay in all day and night however now that I can only go out once a day I want to go out.

Day 4

To be honest today I am ashamed of being British. Videos of people cussing out staff in shops who are rationing. Cussing them out for not being able to bulk buy coke I mean wtf.

When we have NHS staff who are living away from their families to protect them and keep working and then people sunbathing on Shepherds Bush Green… IT IS SHAMEFULL.

Write more tomorrow.

Day 2 – Personal Lockdown.

So today, I got to go outside. Not too far but Sainsbury’s was opening the first hour to people with disabilities which meant I could actually get some FOOD! I know novel concept people needing food :S

Since then I worked my hours but I made sure that I took breaks. Knowing that I would not be going out other than checking the post my plan is to take breaks to do things around the house.

The first break I took was for lunch. I made myself pancakes :S it was messy but I actually took like 40-minute lunch break… This is unheard of for me. Then this afternoon when my emails went quiet I went and did all my washing up. I think this is going to help me not lose my marbles. I also think I may have to start work earlier because my flat seems to get hot in the afternoon. Last check it was at 28 degrees so if I start work earlier I can be finished before it gets this hot again.

I won’t be going outside except for checking the post and maybe to get some fresh air in the courtyard.

Remember everyone where ever possible keep yourself safe and sane. Stay at home and help kick Covid’s ass.


Day 1 – Personal lockdown.

As I said previously I am basically locking myself away as much as possible so that I reduce the risk of catching the Corona Virus. Today is the first full day of it.

I came back to my flat in Kent yesterday and to be honest, after all the traveling I was a bit too tired to do anything.

Today I had two facetime calls with friends which were absolutely amazing 🙂 part of it was me wanting to make sure they were ok and the other part was me needing some interaction.

I have started cleaning today and doing some organizing. My goal for the end of the day is to make sure that I am set up for starting to work tomorrow AND to be completely unpacked from 2 and a bit weeks in London. It is important to make sure that I find something to do each day.

Tomorrow, I will be attending Sainsbury’s tomorrow morning at 08:00 so that I can get bread. I need to make sure that I have my disabled person ID card and my photo card so that they can prove that I am a disabled person who is entitled to the early shop. I will be interested to see how it all looks tomorrow morning. If I look out of the window and see large crowds I may have to just say screw it and stay indoors. I need to make sure that I am kept safe and not exacerbating my spinal problems.

Then I will be doing a full day of work and then find something to clean.



Today I will be heading back to my flat in South East England where I live alone. I am going to try and blog each day of me being socially distanced from everyone about how I am feeling and what I am doing.

I just want to say that let’s all be smart and ride this virus out together.

Autism & PTSD

Today I am posting about something that I am finding a little hard to speak about but, I find that blogging helps me to get things straight in my head and I know I can’t be the only person who is going through this as well.

From a previous post you will know that my mother and I helped out on 14/06/2017 when the Grenfell Tower fire happened and for years following I hid what I was going through from even myself. Until I basically exploded last year and I realised I could not go on ignoring it any more. I have now been diagnosed with PTSD from the fire and am starting a long journey to deal with this.

As I have started bringing the symptoms into the foreground I have found that I am noticing things more. I think I always noticed them but, my subconscious held onto it so I was less aware.

This has lead to an unfortunate incident at work which mortified me. On Thursday I was on the early train to London from where I live. I have done that journey so many times that I didn’t think that there would be a problem. Unfortunately, between two stations there was a large spark. I don’t know if it was large because at the time I was travelling it was still dark outside or whether it was because something had happened but I went into hyper-vigilance mode. Then at the next station someone who smoked got onto the train. I didn’t hear this person get on the train because I had my music on but smelled the smoke that had lingered on her. Hyper vigilance went up once again.

I finally got off of the train and was so anxious that I had to sit down. I finally went onto work and started work there. What I didn’t realise is that I had started the day off at an 8 or a 9 on the over stimulated side of the autism side. I did not make the connection. Because I did not make the connection I was unable to do things to calm myself down and by the end of the day my Deputy Directer pulled me to one side and said, “I think you may be over stimulated”. It finally clicked that that was happening. I realised that I was cranked up to an 11 or 12 for most of the day and I was soo tied. I honestly felt mortified because when it is just a normal over stimulation I am able to take the breaks I need and be OK but, because I had started the day over stimulated due to the PTSD I was blinded to it.

When I got home I agreed to start work after I had seen my therapist on Friday and that is how the link was made and I explained it to my Deputy Director when I logged in.

The next couple of weeks with my therapists we are going to look at coping strategies for me. Things that might help me click that PTSD and Autism are co mingling again and ways to get out of the “nowness” of these symptoms especially whilst I am at work.

What I want to say to all Autistic people out there who are struggling with PTSD too is to not blame yourself when these things happen. You can deal with the symptoms and you can survive. It does not make you weak asking for help and it certainly is not something to be ashamed off. Be strong and know that you are not alone.

Thank you for reading

Corona Virus

I never thought I would have to write this, and it is aimed at those who are in the UK however, after what I have seen in the news I feel that it needs to be said!

We are at a stage where we have a new virus out there. There has been so much guidance as to what to do if you even THINK that you have caught the Corona Virus and yet there are people in the UK who seem to ignore the advice. This is so selfish of them because, if you ignore the advice, you are risking other peoples health!

So if you are in the UK and think that you have caught Corona or have the symptoms here is what you have to do!

1. Call 111 and explain to them your symptoms! DO NOT GO TO A&E AND DO NOT GO TO YOUR GP!!!

2. If they tell you to self isolate then goto the BBC and watch the video as to best practice for self isolation and make sure you do it properly

3. Do what they say and do not play the ignorant game of “I can’t afford to self isolate so I won’t”

by ignoring the guidance and doing what you want you are risking the infection of people who you do not know and this is selfish. At the moment we have only had 20 cases here in the UK but by ignoring the proper course of action you are risking more. The mortality rate is higher in people who are elderly or have underlying conditions so think about the people you see when your out and about. Does the old lady down the street from you really need to catch the virus just because you cant be bothered to do the right thing? These guidelines are there for a reason people

I would urge everyone no matter what country you are in to read up on the best courses of action to take. Lets not end up with an apocalypse style panic where all the stores are drained of food and no one goes out at all. If you take precautions and do what you have to do then this outbreak will soon be over.


So, today (Friday) I had a therapy appointment. I finally decided to seek help after struggling to deal with the Grenfell Fire. I got told I have PTSD. I put off asking for help because I felt there were worse off people then me and after the first 6 months my nightmares became intermittent. But after completely freaking out about a possible fire hazard I realised I needed help.

Since the fire I have gotten progressively worse. I used to use wax melts but wont use them anymore incase the candle starts a fire. When I goto public places I am hyper vigilant and if I spot a fire hazard I leave. I can no longer attend BBQs because of the smell. It is forever now associated with the smell of burning people. I need to get back to normality.

PTSD is something that might not hit you straight away but can be devastating. It is not just combat vets who deal with it.

On June 14th 2017 I woke up next to my boyfriend as we always did and I went to shut my window. I asked him “who is BBQing at 5 am?” We made breakfast and I went to check the travel. That’s when I saw what was happening. Something inside me turn off and auto pilot kicked in when I realised it was not BBQ but people dying.

All I know after that is I went to an appointment which cost me £100 to get to and from by cab.

When I came back from the appointment I chatted to the ladies in the estate and realised things were still needed at the volunteer shelters so my mum and I loaded the car up and made our way down by this point it was 2PM. I looked at the tower and I could still see flames. The smell was so bad that even the face mask I had been given did not help. I wanted to cry, scream and be sick all at the same time. Mum and I made the rounds and ended up at my childhood church which was a stones throw from the tower.

The sight I saw was chaotic. You had volunteers and their kids helping out. Survivors who were now displaced sleeping on chairs and kids who survived clinging onto their parent/parents for deal life.

Mum helped with the donations and I helped keep snack table stocked up. The, I went to where people were crying. I swear I was with this woman for 30 minutes but it felt like hours. I prayed with her until she got to see her mother. As I walked away a nurse who dropped everything to help out came and asked me if I was ok and I just broke down in to tears. The children’s faces, the pain and hurt and loss I was witnessing I could not comprehend what was going on. I still can’t. She asked me when was the last time I ate and I realised I hadn’t eaten at all so she got me food. Even though I was protesting saying give it to someone in need she fed me and hugged me.

I knew then because of my own health I had to leave I could not stay there any longer.

Mum and I left after a couple of hours and I was drained.

That’s when the nightmares started and the guilt for not hacking it out longer due to my mental health issues, my physical disabilities and everything else.

I put off getting help for the same reason I tried to get out of food… someone else needs it more than me but I pushed it down so hard it came back with a vengeance.

Please if you were traumatised by the fire, it’s never to late to ask for help.

Food & Autism

When you are autistic you can have some peculiar eating issues.

Some people can not let their food touch, other people have to eat their food in certain orders, and most have issues with textures of food. What I have found realizing my issues with food are linked with my autism I have noticed that people really do take for granted what they eat.

I learned from an early age I have an issue with meat. I can not stand the texture of most meat is most formats. Because of this, I had to dabble in vegetarianism. However, this is not a hard and fast rule. So, I can deal with corned beef when it is completely mashed up into a corned beef hash. I can handle mince if it is not fresh or too long, essentially it has to be small enough that when cooked it can just be swallowed if I have to chew it then it is not good. I can not handle roast anything. I hate the texture and I hate anything that is still in the form of the animal it was. I can’t eat it. It becomes a chewy mess in my mouth and my body will not let me swallow it.

But again, it is not just meat that I have an issue with. I can’t eat egg in any format I find the texture horrible and taste even worse. Essentially if you want me to eat an egg you need to drown it in BBQ Sauce and I mean DROWN it. Brown bread I hate the texture so I can’t eat it. Broccoli, cauliflower, (tree veggies) you will never find me eating them Quiche HELL NO and the list goes on. It is a problem of texture and taste for me. Mostly the texture of it but sometimes it is both.

So, when I see people make HUGE plates of food and then throw half of it out it breaks my heart. When you have problems with food, you really realize how much actually goes to waste in the world. I try not to waste so when I make a big pan of anything I will portion it up so I had risotto twice in a row this week because I was not about to throw half of it out.

It can get me down because I struggle with cooking and it is harder to find recipes that are for vegetarians which keeps out the food I cant handle. I would love to learn recipes that would work for me but I am not sure they exist. My dream would be to fly out to LA, spend one on one time with a top chef *cough* Anne Burrell*Cough* or others like Bobby Flay, Alton Brown, Tyler Florence, Robert Irvine or Beau MacMillan *Cough* Anne Burrell *Cough* I think his name is and give them a list of what I cant make, what I can’t eat and work out some simple dishes that would A give me better skills in the kitchen but also be healthy for me.

Cooking and food are a big passion for me but it is also my biggest pain. The world of Autism is not great. You do your best to bring the positives to the surface but the bad stuff like issues with food can always bring you down.


Dreams keep the hope alive

Dreams are always a good thing. Honestly I stopped dreaming about being rich when I finally realised the saying “if you want to make God laugh, tell him your plan!” is true. Just because you you have plans it does not mean that they are what your supposed to be doing.

I still have 2 dreams which I want to share with you all.

Dream one (if I had the money) I would rent a flat/house with extra bedroom. I would then apply for foster carer status. Whilst I went through this process (and if I got accepted) I would buy a piece of land and build a home with multiple bedrooms. I would then ask to take in siblings who were at risk of being split up in the care system. I want to provide a stable home for those who do not have the love they should be getting whilst keeping siblings together. Going into care is rough but when you get split up from your only siblings it has got to be rough. I would teach them the value of money and teach them how important school is. I would lastly make sure that they gained a good work ethic as well. This is my first dream.

My second dream (once I had achieved the first dream) is that I would buy a second piece of land. Large enough to hold a bunch of flats. These flats would be kitted out and I would reach out the Veteran organisations. Any person who served in our armed forces that were on the streets now I would offer them a place to stay. They would be given help to claim benefits until they could get a job, get medical help, and get back on their feet. They would be helped with managing their money and saving so that they could get a place on their own. These men and women give everything for us and they need the help to get back on their feet. This would be my way of helping them. It would not be a free ride. If they were on drugs or drink they would have to go to rehab before they could take a flat and they would get into the habit of paying rent and claiming housing benefits. The rent would be kept really low so that they would not have to worry about making payments.

My two dreams are about helping the people in need. I have seen enough kids fall through the crack and enough of our service men and women who need help and cant get it. We need to do more.

I don’t play the lottery because I cant afford it but one day if I was ever lucky enough to get money I need to do this I would do it in a heart beat. These are my dreams. They keep hope alive even in my darkest hours.

Public Vs Private

I was just in the shower thinking about this and felt that I had to share. Before I went into the shower I read yet another story about how terrible Meghan Markle is and how she is causing problems for the Royals. I just thought who cares. But also I thought why are people judging her so harshly?

We all seem to lead two lives. We lead one life in public and the other in private. One life gets seen on social media and the other one doesn’t. Don’t get me wrong if any of these stories are true then she and all the Royals from what I have read should be ashamed of themselves. The stories don’t paint any of them in a good light and that is not even factoring in the historical one which is Prince Charles and his mistress turned wife.

Then it got me thinking if we are living two lives (one in public and online and one in private) how can we as autistic people really navigate the world? It becomes harder and harder to guage what people actually want. Honestly sometimes I feel like screaming.

So let me tell you a story. Before I got diagnosed I entered the world of work. I knew I had to be a good employee. I knew my interpretation of what a good student had not faired me well but I was determined to be a good employee. But I had no idea about what that was. So from what I had guessed from my parents and TV I put a persona together that I thought was what a good employee was. It worked well, until it didn’t. I was so far from being who I was and it almost destroyed me when I thought about things like, why did I struggle with Christmas Meals? Why could I not last more than a year or two in employment? I felt defective. I felt like a failure. My public image seemed to be a failure.

Skip ahead to 2018 when I got my diagnosis and everything clicked. I had struggled with Christmas do’s because I did not feel comfortable with the people I worked with and struggled to interact with them. I struggled to build relationships with people because I could not understand their intentions. Suddenly I felt less of a failure and more inspired.

From the date of my diagnosis I made a vow. I would drop that persona that had failed me in the past and I would just be me. I would learn about what made me me and live as openly and honestly as I could. When I wsa getting over stimulated I would make it known so I could take the breaks I needed. I now educate my team on what works for me and what doesn’t. Even today, a colleague kept saying give me a second, give me a minute, I will call you in 5 minutes. So, I said to him it is best not to say that to me because I was timing those time periods and then shut my skype off after because you didn’t call. He honestly hadn’t realised it was something that might get to me..

I am not saying to be someone or something your not in public. What I am saying is bring as much of your private self into your public self or vice versa (depending on which side is the nice side of you) This way, you will be happy with what you put out there and less people will critise you.

Helpful tip for autistic people on social stupidity (my name for it as I hate saying socially awkward) Find someone who is not on the spectrum that you trust. When you have something that you do not understand you have a trusted person you know to steer you in the right direction. It is so important that you have someone like this you can speak to so that you don’t make bad choices this especially goes for dealing with the opposite sex. I have about two of three people I can go to that I can speak with and know they will give me impartial advice on what is a good course of action if I do not know what I should do.

Honestly without my goto neuro-typical people I may of made a bad mistake today :S

sory for the ramble I needed to get this out before I went to sleep.

Living alone can suck but, you can ask for help

Living alone has its upsides. But when you are poorly there is nothing that you want more than to have someone look after you. Someone who will make you feel better and get you things that you need.

This is the first time I have lived alone for a long time and honestly this bug that I have had for two weeks. There has been times that I wished that I had had someone here to take care of me.

I am loving living on my own because I have been dependant on people for my entire life and with my disabilities getting worse I knew that if I didn’t live on my own soon I would get to a stage where I could never ever live alone. I did not want to be dependant on people forever.

I will honestly tell you this. If I do not get rid of this bug soon I am going to go absolutely batty.

Just remember this. Living alone does not mean you should not have a support system in place.

When you are autistic living alone can cause some problems. One of the things that can cause problems is when you get sick and you do not know what to do. Just remember reaching out for help is not a bad thing.

We have a THING!

I have often wondered about the different communities we find ourselves in and wonder how we all survive. What I have realised is we all have a thing.

Now for the purposes of this conversation I call communities based around gender, sexual orientation, religion, disability, ethnic background. Each of these communities exist for each characteristic. I do not mean community as in where you live.

For a long time I used to think that the disability community did not have a thing. The thing is the one thing that you can say but people who do not belong to your community can’t because they don’t understand it.

I started buddying up with a disabled colleague who was having a hard time at work. We try and catch up once a week to see how the other is doing and make sure that the world has not exploded. Today she was telling me about an awful screw up her doctors had made with her medication. I couldn’t help but laugh because I had been in a similar situation with a dodgy GP previously.

As I usually do because of being autistic I said “sorry I should not of laughed”. Mainly because I was not sure whether it was acceptable. I get nervous, even with friends, whether I am doing or saying the wrong thing. Now that I know I deal with Autism, I know understand why I struggle but doesn’t make it easier now that I do not have a support worker guiding me through these things.

Anyway she turned round and said, “If someone without disabilities had laughed I would have told them off, but I bet you know where I am coming from”. I explained that I did and told her what had happened to me and we giggled for about 10 minutes about the whole thing.

It did get me thinking however, this is something that the disabled community has as our thing. We can laugh at, or make jokes about our conditions whether its something like dyslexia or fibromyalgia. We can laugh at it but those who do not have it, they cant because they don’t know what it is like to deal with these condition.

However, I ask, has it become too taboo that we can’t make fun of ourselves to make us laugh?

I deal with mental health issues, when I have a bad day or when I see someone is uncomfortable about talking to me about it I make a joke about it. I tend to do this a lot. I get called crazy a lot (mostly from when I am having over stimulated moments I tend to go a bit Cray Cray) but to make someone feel at ease I say “I am not crazy, I am depressed. I don’t take anti-crazy pills I take anti-depressants.” This tends to get the conversation started. I even know the official medical diagnosis of depression so I can give as many facts as I can to people.

However, for every person who becomes comfortable talking about mental health from talking to me in the way I do, you have at least 1 out of every 10 conversations where I am told “You should not laugh at your mental health, it is serious”. I tend to think that these people either have not had to deal with mental health or if they do then they subscribe to the “mental health is a shameful topic” theory.

Has the world become so PC that we can’t talk about things that affect us how we want?

If anyone struggles with disability either theirs of a friend and needs some tips on how to broach the subject please email me at The email at the top of the page does not work so use the one here.

I am not a campaigner

I am not a campaigner!

I know this statement sounds strange but the truth is I am not. I do not believe the world owes me something because I am autistic, dyslexic, with depression and spinal problems. I know the world does not work in a way where those in need get what they need. However, some people think that because I blog that I am a campaigner.

The truth behind what I do however, is not so much campaigning but more PR.

The disabled community has two things against them.

The first thing is that when someone with disabilities wants to work it is hard to find someone who will hire them. Obviously work places can not discriminate on disability grounds but we all know that if two candidates with the same qualifications and experience go for a job, it is more likely that the one without disabilities will get the job.

Then if someone with a disability gets a job they lose the support that they need to survive from the government. There are benefits that I could be on with advice given to me that if I stopped working I could get them. But unless I am willing to give up work I am not allowed them. How fair is this? Your telling someone who wants to work who would be entitled to the benefit that they have to loose the purpose in their life to get the help they need.

The other thing we have against us is our own community. There are people out there juts like in all communities who will say “fuck it I am disabled I don’t have to ever work again”. Because of this attitude when they are made to work they leave such a bad taste in their employers mouths that the next person who has that disability will get “oh no not another one”.

So what can we do?

I choose to role model myself in to how I would like people to view me both personally and professionally. I tell my team what sets me off, what of me can be changed and what can’t and I have open and honest dialogue with people.

I tell everyone that if I do something to upset you then I need them to explain it to me not just say “oh she is autistic” or “she has depression”. This works for no one.

I am as open and honest as I know how to be so that when the next person has my job, if they have depression, autism, physical disabilities, dyslexia the word my team say is not going to be “oh not another one” but in fact “Yes we have another one”.

Only we can change how people view us. Only we can show them that we are as good as those without disability. We don’t need campaigners, we need people willing to go out and show the world, disability does not mean we are useless.

So my challenge to all those with disabilities. Go out, find a way to show the world the amazing things that you can do. Show the world your amazing gifts that your disability gives you. We all have something. Don’t hide it but show the world the amazingness that is you.

Doing Good

Doing Good Does Not Have to be Difficult

Today I managed to do something that made me feel good. I had a £10 voucher left from a Christmas bonus I got this year.

Whilst I was shopping for some food, because I have been held up in my flat due to illness I met someone who I noticed that the person would not be classed as a “typical” person. I noticed that they seemed to have issues with inappropriate conversation. Instead of shooing her away I continued to talk to her and finished my shopping with her.

After I finished shopping I was able to talk to her some more and she told me she was having a hard time. I went into my purse and pulled out the voucher and asked her if she shopped at Iceland. She said that she did so I gave it to her. I don’t really use Iceland very much so the voucher was sitting in my purse grabbing dust.

I am only telling you this because doing good does not have to be something that you have to kill yourself over. I did good today by showing kindness to a stranger who I identified with. All it cost me was a voucher i was not going to use.

When you do something nice for people then you will get good vibes back in your direction. When you do good it feels goods and you are sharing goodness with the world. In a world of uncertainty, pain and suffering we should all do our part to bring a little joy into the world.

Through the support I got when I had a support worker and people I work with I have managed to learn certain things which are inappropriate to talk about to a stranger and this is how I notice it sometimes in others.

So do what you can to make your life good and bring what joy you can in to the world and we will be the light in the troubled times.

Thought of the day 19/01/2020

Today’s thought of the day is to discuss what happens when you have been affected by fire. We have seen this oh so much and there are more and more people who are affected so what do we have to do to get through?

Having witnessed Grenfell fire and now watching Australia burn, I have come up with my own way of coping and that is to know that I have a go bag no matter where I am staying. My go bag is not complete yet as there are things I would like to put in it that I am unable to at the moment put in but currently my go bag consists of the following.

1. Spare change of clothes; 2. a phone charger for my phone; 3. a jumper; 4. some snacks; 5. a copy of my insurance policies, bank accounts etc; 6. A dosette box with a weeks worth of medication so that if I need to I can still be covered till I can get replacements; 7. A list of all my medications; 8. Landlords details

What I would like to have in my go back is a phone that I can use so I don’t have to worry so much about making sure I grab my normal phone. Cash so that I will not be left without anything;

These things will not stop you feeling concerned once you have survived or witnessed a massive fire, what it will do is give you some comfort to know that should you be in a position where you have to get out of the house quickly due to a fire that you are prepared and you are not left without anything. After witnessing Grenfell burn and seeing the awful situation that the survivors found themselves in, I want to do everything that I can to make sure that no matter what I am covered. It reminds me of the 5 P’s “Poor planning equals piss poor performance. I will avoid this situation so that I can avoid everything that could cause me issues.

Be prepared and you will hopefully never be caught out.

Thought of the Day

I want to start doing a thought of the day on my blog as I have started putting them on my Facebook and twitter account. I hope that someone will see one and if it makes you smile then my job is done for the day

Today’s thought comes from a video I watched about suicide from the amazing Dhar Mann. I don’t know if he will read this but if you need to see something inspirational look him up on Facebook. The video I watched had a woman with a sign and I believe the sign said hug instead of suicide.

We never know when someone is going through a rough moment in their life or whether they are suicidal usually until it is too late. So if you see someone who looks in pain, whether it is someone you know or someone you don’t know, it never hurts to say “are you okay?”

That kindness could possibly be the only kindness that person has seen for a while and it could make them choose to live instead of die. It may take more effort to not just walk past and ask if their ok but it could be life changing for that person.

New South Wales Rural Fire Service

To the world.

I have seen the issues in Australia and I am saddened by all of it. It is heartbreaking to see all these fires and what the first responders must be going through whether they are fighting the fires, evacuating people from their homes, dealing with the wounded or helping the survivors.

We take our first responders for granted. We know they are there when we need them and say things like “it’s their job” or “no one helps me and I do my job all the time”. But the thing is there is a difference between office work and fighting devastating fires and we need to acknowledge that. This is why I am starting a Go Fund Me page where the proceeds will go to the New South Wales Rural Fire Service. It can hopefully help sure up the services they have, help them get the things they need to replenish their stocks and maybe provide support for their firefighters who are struggling to cope with the devastation they are seeing every day.

The brush fires are still going on and the work these people are doing is stopping them from spreading further. We need to support our uniformed services and this one especially because the firefighters are volunteers. They have their own work to do but volunteer to be firefighters on top of it.

Please help me raise the money to give them. Share, retweet, or whatever you can even if you donate 50p that is better then nothing.

Let’s show these people that we care and say Thank You For Your Service. I know there are many people out there who want to help so please let’s do this for them. I am just one disabled person wanting to help those who help their community I hope everyone else will be willing to help our brothers and sisters in Australia

Here is the link

Support the NSW Fire Service



I’ll be there

When you are weak, I am there;
When you want to cry, I am there with a box of tissues;
When you can’t stand, I am there to hold you up
When you need help, I am there for you;
I will be there when you need me;
You never need to ask me for help;
You are a light in the dark;
You are strong of heart;
I will always be there for you to keep you shining;
I will be there to stop your heart from breaking;

You are there for me, so I am there for you;
Just remember, you never need to ask;


I re-watched The Greatest Showman again tonight and again, like most people around the world I found an affinity with the movie and the songs. So, tonight I want to share my promise to myself I made after watching this inspirational movie again.

Every time I have had a new diagnosis I have always felt like I was defective. Why do I have depression? Why am I dyslexic? Why did my spine have to get crooked? But the opposit is true for my autism diagnosis. Before diagnosis I felt like I was defective. I did not understand why I was so different to everyone else especially when it came to reacting to things, or the trouble I got myself in during my WILD CHILD days.

I could not understand who I was but when I was diagnosed things came into perspective for me. It was like a weight was lifted off of my shoulders and I could say to the world THIS IS ME. However this has not been without trials and tribulations in itself.

I have faced hatred and ignorance because I come from a generation where girls were not autistic and this has come through from social media and people I have known for years and years (pre diagnosis). Because of the diagnosis I felt freedom and through these mean and horrid people I felt that I was being forced back into a box that stifled me for years.

When I watched the Greatest Showman and the song This is Me came on i honestly felt like I was going to cry especially with these lyrics;

But I won’t let them break me down to dust
I know that there’s a place for us
For we are glorious

When the sharpest words wanna cut me down
I’m gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out
I am brave, I am bruised
I am who I’m meant to be, this is me
Look out ’cause here I come
And I’m marching on to the beat I drum
I’m not scared to be seen
I make no apologies, this is me

So the promise I am making to myself is simply this. When those people who hate on me or show their ignorance because they think they know who I am and what I really feel like and go through each day try and put me back in that box. I will not let them. THIS IS ME

I am an Autistic,Dyslexic, who also has Depression and Spinal Problems.I risk meltdowns in public places when they are busy. I get over stimulated and go a bit Cray Cray until I do something to calm me. I have days when I don’t want to get out of bed, or days when I physically cant without crying. My spelling always needs to be spell checked and I take things very literally at times. But ladies and gents guess what? THIS IS ME and if you don’t like it you know where the door is!

I urge everyone who is different to read this and take it on board. You are you, if you hide that from the world you are depriving people of an amazing gift of you. March to your own drum and do not apologize for it. You are who you are and anyone who wants to stifle that does not deserve your company.

Open Letter

A letter to the Prime Minister of Australia

Dear Scott,

I would call you Mr Prime Minister but I do not think you deserve it.

I would like to know why, you have not called for help with the bush fires? I know many people across the globe who would willingly jump on a plane to Australia to help with the fires yet you have failed to ask for help from the global community, why is this?

Instead of being there with your people, the people who elected you into office, during this crisis you decided to go on holiday. Are you kidding me? That move alone will bite you in the behind next time there is an election. The whole world sore you do it. So, why have you not asked for help?

Could it be that you are ashamed of how you have behaved? If this is the case, you should be ashamed. This is almost on par with Theresa May turning up after all the other politicians visited the survivors of Grenfell Tower.

How many people have to loose their lives before you actually ask for help? How many first responders and military personnel have to be irrevocably destroyed mentally before you act? These fires have gone on for so long that your people must be running on fumes and still you have not reached out to the global community.

You really need to start doing the job that you were paid to do and start looking after the good people of Australia before the fires engulf more parts of the country. Any further loss of life is on your head, your hands are bloody.

I am running a poll to see how many people would hop on a plane tomorrow to help if they didn’t have to worry about non-crisis issues such as visa’s, airfare and living costs and in 48 hours 321 people signed up and 319 people said they would go. People are dying to help your citizens out. Maybe its high time you start thinking about your citizens and less about your political career.

I implore you, see sense and ask for help!!

Yours Faithfully

Citizen of the world

My life

The Joys of Me

So over the weekend I did a post about disability advice. Well today I am going to say I hate being injured. When I reinjured my shoulders I had to go through a lot more pain now.

I now have to use a sling on which ever arm hurts the most. This is really starting to reek havoc on my day to day life.

I tried to do some shopping and honestly pushing a trolly around with one hand was a pain in the ass and very difficult to do.

However, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. When I went to the shops today a woman freaked out that she did not have any money for the trolly. I went into my purse and found I had an extra £1. I gave it to her.

When I was done shopping she had been waiting for me and tried to give it back to me. I told her to keep it. If she then found someone in need she should give it to them. She went and brought an envelope and put the £1 in it. She labelled it “for future help”.

This just shows that if you are having a rough day with your disabilities, there is always someone who may be in need. So when you get help, make sure that you pay it forward. It is pretty easy to forget in this day and age to forget to be nice. The smallest act of kindness can make the biggest difference. So make sure that you dont forget about it.

If you could help?


If you could help the Australian people by going there to support those who have lost their homes or the first responders would you?

If flights, VISAs, and maintenance were not an issue would you get on a flight now to help? I want to show the Australian Government how many people want to help them in their time of need. If, it is something that you would do, please complete the forms below.

I will use the responses to send to the Australian Government to show that there are people who want to help, they just have to ask for it and make it possible for people to help.

We are Stewards of the World

I am a Citizen of the World

I have long considered myself out of place and out of time. Just because I am Autistic I have decided that the reason I feel out of place is because I am a citizen not just of my country of birth, but of the world

I feel deeply for those who struggle not just here but across the globe. I hurt when I see the pain that other people are going through whether it is from natural disaster or through circumstance. I cant make the hurt stop however, what I can do is call for help

So because of this I want to call out to everyone. No matter what Religion you are be it Christian, Buddist, Muslim, Jewish or something else, we are stewards of the world. This even applies to those who are people of no faith. We are supposed to look after and protect the world and we have failed to do so.

So my call out is to everyone. What we are seeing in Australia at the moment is total devastation. Homes and lives are being lost and our first responders are doing the best they can. The Military is doing the best they can but they need our help. What ever you can do to help those affected by the Bushfires please do so.

Look at the red cross, look for things that can help these people who have lost everything, The trees and the environment that has been destroyed, the wildlife that could be extinct because of these fires. We need to do something to help everyone. We are stewards of this world and we are all human. I dont care about political views but we need to help these people.

Coding & Me

What makes coding special to me?

Coding is something that I am finding very relaxing.

When your brain is so chaotic as mine, coding gives me a sense of something that makes me feel safe. When you have two neurodiverse conditions which are by their nature polar opposites of each other, you mind can be a crowded and messy place. This is what I live with on the day to day

Coding brings me a certain amount of relaxation when my world is going crazy and there is nothing I can do to stop it

It also gives me something to focus on. When I am unable to sleep, or having stress, coding gives me that focus I need to get through.

There is something so elegant about coding. It never lies. It works or it doesn’t. If it doesn’t it gives you a mission for find out why it is not working. This is a challenge.

I would recommend finding a project that you can work on if you are Autistic. It can give you a sense of purpose in a crazy world that we find ourselves in.

Anyway I will leave it ther for now.

My Peace

My peace of mind

How do I draw Peace in a Chaotic mind?

I often get asked how I draw peace in the chaos of my mind? How do I calm myself both as an autistic person as well as a Christian woman as well. The truth is is that I often find peace in a certain Psalm. The Psalm I refer to is Psalm 23 and I will share it with you now

The Lord is my Shepherd, I lack nothing;

He makes me lie down in green pastures;

he leads me beside quiet waters;

He guides me along the right paths for his name’s sake;

Even though I walk through the darkest valley;

I will fear no evil;

For you are with me;

Your rod and your staff they comfort me;

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;

You anoint my head with oil;

My cup overflows

Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life;

And I will dwell in the house of the Lord, forever;

This Psalm is something that always has stayed with me and been a calming influence on me when growing up. It shows that no matter what happens God will take care of me. Even, if it does not seem like it now I will be rewarded when I see him at the end of my road where ever that may be. When you grow up with a mind a chaotic as mine, with un-diagnosed autism it is really easy to wonder why everything happens to you but this Psalm no matter how chaotic my life is it brings me back

Christmas Break

Holidays, a time for reflection

As I am seriously bad at taking holidays, I tend to take the bulk of it at Christmas. It gives you a proper chance to reflect of the year just gone and the new one that is due to start

This year that has just gone has been a year of ups and downs. I moved into my own place for the first time and so far I have far exceeded my streak of living alone. I have been single for a whole year and enjoyed the time by myself.

So what did I need to reflect on you may ask? Well the answer to that is honestly how I see myself and how I am going to go about getting to the places I want to get to. I have just been coasting this last year and I think it is time that I really look at what I want. I need to look at what I want on both a personal and professional level and figure out how I am going to achieve this.

One of the things I have learned over this Christmas period is what really keeps me calm when it comes to my autism. PROJECTS!!!With this in mind I have decided that I would like to learn to code. Even though you will not be able to see it I am using HTML code for this post. I am very proud of what I have already achieved and look forward to learning more.

I have learned that it is about knowing who you are as a person and being strong enough to say “I don’t care what you think of me, I know who I am and I am happy with that.” So from today I will no longer allow other people to define me and I will make sure that what I do is because it is what is best for me.

Reflection is good for you no matter what religion you are or what culture you are from. I urge everyone to take the time to reflect who who they are and what you want for yourself.

Finally, I would like to wish everyone in the world a Happy New Year, and lets hope that we can make 2020 the best it can be.


Advertising on my site

I need to find a way to make money! I need to be able to support myself and keep up the membership I have with WordPress which will be expiring in September 2020.

With this in mind, if you have any projects that you would like to be advertised on my blog please contact me at

It can be anything from an event, course, conference or product. If you have something you would like to share with the world please contact me and I will share it.

My rates are simple. I can discuss it with you when you make contact. I am just trying to find a way to make some extra money to go towards extras 🙂

I look forward to hearing from you.


What do I like most about being Autistic?

Someone asked what people with autism liked most about being autistic. This is something that gave me some pause to think about it for myself. What do I like best about being autistic?

The truth of the matter for me is that it is not about what I like most about being autistic it is about what makes me me. Because I was only diagnosed at the tender age of 31 I had many years where I thought my oddities were not something to be proud of but something to be ashamed of.

So again I thought about what makes me interesting as a person and I realized that the positive and the negative aspects are linked in together. An example I love trying new things, like coding, however when there is a problem I get held up on it and can’t do anything other than fixing the problem. Before my diagnosis people would tell me this was me being OCD or negative in some other way. Now, however, I take it as part and parcel of my autism. Sometimes it can be good and sometimes it isn’t.

I think there is no simple answer to what my favorite part of being autistic is as I feel it is something that I work on every day. I do what I can and when I can to make sure that what I am doing is for the benefit of me instead of a hindrance. An example of this is I started reaching out to local groups for things to do in the area. Someone suggested something to me which sounded cool but I was terrified of going alone because it would take one miss-step on the bus and I would be in meltdown mode. I could have refused to do this cool thing or I could tell the person what I was concerned about. The upshot of this is that when I am here at my other flat on the day the thing is taking place they will pick me up, take me on the bus and take me back at the end of it so I know the route and everything for the next time I would like to go. This is me doing things that would benefit instead of hinder me.

The Alexander Petrovskies in the world

Again another Sex In The City post and I am sorry to say it’s how I feel.

I am watching Sex in the City and I am up to season 6 and I am up to Alexander Petrovskies. Now despite the ending where he hits Carry and she runs out of the apartment in Paris straight into the arms of Big I.e. happy ending. If there was a guy out there that was a cross between Mr Big, Aiden and Alexander Petrovski then I would be in Heaven.

What I have to say however is Romance dead?

This is a world where Men think that it is ok to break up with people by text, or worse email. This is even if they bother to tell you it’s over. Not unlike Berger.

Was Berger the start of this awful trend? Should we women really be angry at the creators of Sex in the City?

This brings an interesting question for autistic women. If men are set up in all of these categories, the Alexander Petrovskies, the Mr Bigs and the Aidens what chance do we have to understand the dating pool???

Men are complicated to understand but how can we navigate the complications of dating. However, when you have trouble navigating social situations it becomes really tricky.

If you start dating someone how do you stop yourself from making silly mistakes that drive them away?

How do you even discuss the needs you have with a potential new partner. “Hi, sorry I know your being romantic but I dont understand why”. Or “please stop moving shit around, it is my flat”. It is seriously A mind field.

How can we navigate the world of Petrovskis, Big or Aidens? How can we survive the dog eat dog world of dating when the Neurotypical people cant do it either?

I’m a Carry

I have been wondering what I am like as a person. Since the partial autism diagnosis I have been trying to reconcile who I am as a person and who Spent most of her life knowing I was different to finally knowing why.

As I have been having a throw back moment and watching Sex In The City, I chose to do a which Sex in the City girl are you quiz. Turns out that I am a Carry.

This is a live in the moment person. Someone who wants things in the future but doesn’t obsess about it in the here and now, unless you mess with my stuff, or change my routine or stress me out.

When you have to reconcile different aspects of your life then you have to honestly look at how you can live your life.

In terms of relationships I do not have my Mr Big and haven’t found him yet. I dont think that my Mr Big is ever going to show up. Before I knew I was autistic men haven’t been able to deal with the unknown eccentricities and now I know what cause them it’s a lot harder to find a guy who knows and can deal with it. Safe to say my Mr Big is not out there!

Why is it there are only Mr Bigs for “normal” people? Why do those of us who are not “Normal” have to settle?

Relationships and the untold truth

So, today has been a bit of a throw back Friday where I have been watching Sex in the City again fro. The get go. It has made me wonder about relationships today.

This world is such a screwed up place. It is a place that if your a woman who is not 5″10 and look as good as Jennifer Lawrence then the likelihood of you being swept off your feet is almost non existent

We live in a world that gorgeous celebrities never end up with the plain Jane’s but other gorgeous celebrities. With this happening in the media on a daily basis how likely is it that a 5″3, overweight average looking person is going to be able to pull a Chris North or Shemar Moore. It just isn’t going to happen.

When did personality become such a stigma to a relationship? Was it ever important in the first place?

It has made me think, I did not win the genetic lottery in the looks department but to ad insult to injury I am also autistic. Where is someone like me going to find a good looking guy who understands that change is a difficult thing, surprises have to be scheduled into my routine, and that I get held up on the small things. To date I have not found this man. I have been on some disastrous blind dates and feel like it is time to give up.

Is my life doomed to be an endless line of relationships that are bad for me? Or am I supposed to compromise on something that I am looking for? Is it just that Neurodiverse people can only date other neurodiverse people?

Relationships are more difficult the more complicated you are.

I guess I have to accept that I dont get the Chris Norths, Shemar Moores, Matthew Gray Gubler, Jackson Rathbones, Robert Davis of this world. I think I am just going to stay single because I know what works for me.

Looking from the outside in

When you only have a partial diagnosis of autism, sometimes it feels like your half way between neurodiverse and neurotypical.

Sometimes it feels like you are on the upside looking in. I feel like honestly you can seem like people judge me because I only have a partial diagnosis. But the truth is the only part of my assessment they could not use was early years. I have reasons why I am not able to get that information so my psychologist said that it was highly likely I am autistic.

The world is so judgemental. Some people think that unless you have a full diagnosis it’s not real. This has been from both sides of the isle. Judgements from the neurodiverse and neurotypical world. Again it is something that I could not believe.

Autism and water

I have been reading why I am drawn to water. It calms me. When I am getting lost in myself, I often find my way to a body of water. Whether it is a canal, a river or just heavy rain puddles. I am very good at getting lost in things that make me smile.

I think it is linked to my autism. I read up on autism and found that autistic people can be drawn to large bodies of water. Glad to know that I have a river opposit my flat yippee!

Tuna Fish Soup!

So, I have been trying to figure out this cooking thing. I was given bits and pieces of the recipe, unfortunately, one of the key parts was missing. Be careful how much sauce you put in.

When you’re autistic it is very difficult to figure out cooking instructions especially those done by chefs. Reduce this to me = pour some out. Separate the eggs, well clearly one went in one corner and another went in the other. So tried this recipe without any instructions I applaud myself, however, instead of Tuna Fish Pie I made Tuna Fish Soup. Literally, I poured it onto the plate instead of dishing it up.

The learning curve, I think I need to do a test on how much source is needed. This is the only way in which I will be able to properly assess how much would make it a good pie instead of a soupy mess…

I have never been too good with cooking so I am working this out as I go. However, I am doing what I can to make it more sensible to me instead of a crazy mess. What I do not like about cooking however is the cleanup :S Sometimes I really wish I had a dishwasher!

To help with the Autism Cause however here is the recipe;

  1. Preheat the over to 180 degrees
  2. Peel the skin off the potatoes that you are going to use.
  3. Bring the potatoes to the boil,
  4. Leave to simmer on low temperature for 20-30 minutes
  5. The check is soft with a sharp knife stab the potatoes after.
  6. Drain the potatoes
  7. put in a spoon of butter then mash the potatoes.
  8. Once this is done open a tin of tuna.
  9. Drain the Tuna
  10. Depending on how many people you are cooking for put tuna into a bowl. If it is one person go by your love of tuna.
  11. Add in 1 handful of frozen peas
  12. Add in a small amount of sauce. It should be enough to cote the Tuna and the pees but not so much that you look like you are making soup.
  13. Put into an oven dish the tuna, peas, and sauce.
  14. Add on top the mashed potato
  15. spread out the mashed potato
  16. add a layer of cheese on top
  17. cook for 20-30 minutes in the oven (which you have preheated)
  18. Serve