Letter to Dame Darcy

Dear Dame Darcy,

My name is Suze and I have decided to write to you. I have been a massive fan of yours on Strictly Come Dancing for years and so glad that you have received an honor as well.

The reason I wanted to write to you, and I have been weighing this up in my head for a while now is because I saw part of your show on dancing and wellbeing.

I wholeheartedly agree that dancing is something that can boost a person’s mental wellbeing, unfortunately now, dancing for me is bittersweet and I will tell you why.

When I was small I wanted to be in the entertainment industry but I wanted to be as much of a threat as I possibly could and as I fell in love with acting, singing, and dance I focused on all 3. The problem I had though is I didn’t know how hard things were going to be for me. You see Dame Darcy when I was in school, I was undiagnosed as Autistic and Dyslexic with a bit of dyspraxia to boot. You may not know much but the autism made me struggle with learning things and the dyspraxia had some issues for me in terms of certain types of dance where co-ordination is vital. Ballet is a very prime example. That didn’t stop me though it did limit me in certain things, for instance, I knew I couldn’t do ballet, the contemporary classes I went to it seemed like all we did was warm-up exercises like running around like butterflies and it made no sense to me but I kept on

I even tried to do dance as a GCSE but had to change school after year 10 and the school I went to did not do dance GCSE, so I had to drop it ☹.

Unknown to me at that time as well was that I also had hypermobile knees which were not helpful when I was knocked over by a pizza delivery bike at the age of 15. I struggled for a long time with my knees after that and was categorically told over and over again that I would never be able to become a dancer I was to “damaged” and that there was no reason to pursue a career in dance.

This was devasting for me. I did not know what to do. I did not know how to cope properly (autistic) so I just stopped dancing. I went from someone who would listen to music and make up dance routines in my living room and then dance them to giving up. Now I only dance in my room with the door closed and the curtains shut so that I am seen by no one.

So now dance for me is something that is bittersweet. It is not something I do anymore and breaks my heart as well. I have considered doing classes, but I now have scoliosis in my spine and depression and every time I try and get up the courage, I lose my nerve.

But I want to change that. Since getting my autism diagnosis I have been looking at ways I can face some of the things I lost through not having support. Some of that is social and others are things I lost a long time ago, one of which is my love for dance. I want to show the world that you know what, it really is like Lauren was saying on this years strictly “ it’s about ability, not disability”. I have always been intrigued by ballroom and Latin (even before strictly) but never had the courage to do it.

 

I would love to one day meet you even just to discuss dancing and how it can help others so that maybe I could use the discussion in a blog to help inspire others. If you ever think that is something you would be willing to do that would be great – though I know you are busy and that it is a real long shot.

To let you in on a secret dream as well, I would love to have a lesson with Pasha or Giovanni or even Graziano (obviously new) but I am realistic and know that will never happen.

Dame Darcy, I would like you to keep doing what you are doing. People like me are forgotten in this world. Those of us who have learning, physical and or mental difficulties but honestly with people like you around shining a light on something that I hold dear which is dance and show that it can help those with mental health is amazing. You are a true inspiration and I am glad I finally got the courage to write this letter. Just watching your passion for dance during strictly come dancing, brings out smiles in me I thought I had lost a long time ago.

I am posting this as a blog as I don’t know how to write to you but I know I can share this on Social Media and hope that you see and read my post.

Yours

Suze

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Acting, Singing & Dancing My Joy and my Pain

I was a little bit of a stereotypical girl growing up. One of what I know now to be my “special interests” due to my autism was the entertainment industry. I grew up with classics like Calamity Jane, Chicago, Magnificant 7, Guns of Navarone as well as amazing singers of my knowledge Karen Carpenter, Neil Diamond and Frank Sinatra (as well as my favorite Singers of my childhood) which included Steps, Boyzone, Backstreet Boys, Blue, B*Witched and many more. I didn’t want to join the entertainment industry of the money… I just loved to dance, act and sing. The problem is, this is a very neurotypical dream for a very undiagnosed neuro-diverse person.

I did what every person interested in the entertainment industry did. I took dance classes. I was in the school choir and church choir. I even tried out for full-time theatre school and went to weekend theatre school as well. Unfortunately, with all my passion I had one thing turned against me.

I will say it again. I was trying to achieve a neurotypical dream with no knowledge of how neuro-diverse I was or how to attain my dreams in a way that would suit me.  As the years went on I was knocked right down.

In dance – I was hit by a pizza delivery bike when I was in secondary school and had ongoing problems with my knees and ankles. This made people tell me, forget about dancing… your career will never happen so give up… This is something I had devoted even my education to as I wanted to take GCSE Dance. Further blows happened when I had to move school during my GCSE years and the new school I went to did not even offer it as a course. So begrudgingly I gave up that dream. Now the only time people see me dance is when I am drunk. Sometimes I still dance to music in the corner of my bedroom with the curtains closed and the door shut but it is a far cry from where I was (making up dance routines in my living room to music.)

In Acting – A massive problem I had was auditions. If I had the chance to take my time and learn lines I would be fantastic (my opinion obviously) but in auditions, you don’t have time to prepare. This was at a time when I did not know I was dyslexic. Side note- when I was diagnosed I was told I had the reading age of a 5-year-old. That was at the age of 16. Now imagine that in an audition not only trying to act but remember what you were supposed to be saying. So once again I was told, give it up… I have no hope and by that stage, I had lost so much confidence that I stopped going to auditions and shied away from even considering GCSE drama. I believed what I was told…

Singing – Well I fell in love with caffeine and that obviously affected my abilities but because of the other things and scary music teacher I lost confidence in me. I never let anyone hear me sing now. If they do it because the music on my speaker is low enough to hear.

Now at 32 I still love acting, singing and dancing but it is a blessing and a curse. Had I known about my autism and dyslexia – or as others say it Neurodiversity back when I was trying my absolute hardest to get into the industry then maybe, just maybe I would not sit here with aching for something that I always loved in my heart.

Maybe I would not have lost confidence in myself. Maybe I would have got picked for things that I auditioned for. Maybe I would be on Strictly Come Dancing as a celeb partner, but I will never know.

So to all people out there who struggle, who may think that they are neurodiverse in one way, shape or form, find out and learn how to cope with it and push yourself. Because, if you are unable to push yourself to be the person you want to be then you will always be the person that is expected of you. That is no life… I know, I made that mistake years ago and regretted it ever since.

Gender Identity

So tonight I want to talk about something that is really close to my heart. It is not something I really talk about so please be kind.

For me, Gender Identity has always been something that alludes me. I do not identify as a different gender and I was born female. However, my ex, used to joke that I was a man trapped in a woman’s body. I used to always shop for clothes in the men’s section until he came along. My wardrobe regularly consists of baggy clothes and I even sit like a man would sit, however, I was born female.

I also, however, have female qualities. I obsess over the way I look and if I am pretty enough for other people. I get self-conscious of my weight and when I am dating someone I always worry they’re looking at someone more prettier then I am. I don’t mind wearing girls clothes under the right circumstance and have even had bouts where wearing make up is something I actively want to do.

Some people call me a tomboy, others, like my ex, say I am a man trapped in a woman’s body. I don’t really know what this means for me. Part of me thinks that I identify as a humafridite but funnily enough there is not an option for that currently.

It can be so very confusing when you don’t really know what you identify as but I guess part of me identifies as male and part of me as female, or, if you think about it, I am just special.

Blind Date Tragedy

So yesterday, I went on my first date in 9 years 2 months after my ex and I broke up. It was a blind date set up by a “friend” who thought myself and the guy would be suitable for each other.

Should have had warning signs that the guy wanted the date during the day, however, it could have been more chivalrous, I had been watching the complete season of Foyles War so maybe he was a throwback to then.

Oh how I was soooooo wrong.

Firstly, the first statement out of his mouth was: “I guess the photo our mutual friend gave me was from back in the day” This may not of been so bad, except he was clearly saying I looked older I guess.

I brushed this off. However, we sat down for food. It was an Italian resteraunt which had lots of carby food and I was asked…”Should I really be eating so much carbs”… That was clearly a fat comment GRR. This followed suit again with the deserts.

After the date he decided that I should walk home “because I clearly needed the excersise” ERRRM

And I had to PAY FOR A DATE OF ABUSE…

has this what has come of the dating world since I was single #OffMen

Gender inequality -> the side you don’t hear!

As today is International Men’s day and after hearing some amazing things at work, I feel this post has to be done.

Note to all hardcore feminists out there: I have been shouted at and already had some nasty things said to be for this point of view but guess what, I don’t care because honestly, it is the truth.

Though yes, women do have some rough times which we have had to fight for what we have including the right to vote, to an education, to work and even to be able to get divorced there is one key thing that kills me… Gender equality also affects men, so why are their issues not brought to the table like women are?

When a woman is raped she has lots of sympathies thrown her way. She is supported by many organisations to help with the trauma she has been through and guided through the process of putting their attackers behind bars. But what about men?

Men, both gay and straight, can be raped or suffer vicious attacks. So to can transgender and nonbinary people.

“According to a 2017 crime survey by the ONS, in 2017 alone there were around 138,000 reports of sexual assaults against men that year.”  https://uk.news.yahoo.com/international-men-apos-day-2018-161404955.html

Can you imagine 138000 men being raped? If you read the article fully it also says this may be an underestimation because men are too afraid to come forward. How can we live in a world where there are people out there who have been victims of rape who are more scared of reporting then they are off living their lives. This is something that cant go on.

Don’t get me wrong, women have a very bad time when it comes to Rape as people can say, “well she was asking for it” or  “she led him on”. This is also known as victim shaming. However, if a gay man is raped, I know from someone who has not given me permission to use his name, was told, “how can you be raped by another man, your GAY?” The other misconception that is out there is that men can’t be raped because they are the ones who penetrate or clearly get aroused. I will tell you what I say to everyone, JUST BECAUSE YOU CLIMAX DOESNT MEAN YOU WERE NOT RAPED. SEX WITH NO CONSENT NO MATTER YOUR GENDER, SEXUALITY, RELIGION OR LIVING SITUATION IS RAPE!!!!!!

People are so used to the idea that men are the perpetrators of violence that there is no way they can be a victim. in 2009 only 13% of men who were victims of domestic abuse reported it. Can you imagine what those brave 13% must have felt like reporting? The shame they may have been feeling because of the outside world men are not the victims but they are perpetrators. A woman can go to a police station and say my husband is hitting me, and don’t get me wrong Domestic abuse whether the victim is male or female is wrong, yet people are more inclined to believe a woman than a man.

But why is this the case? Men who become victims are the men that we women should really prefer to have. They do not hit women, even if they are concerned about something so there are women out there that have taken advantage of this and seen it as weakness. Abuse of power in its truest form.

When a man hits a woman it’s terrible but when a woman abuses a man its laughable? talk about gender inequality and double standards. This world has made it so hard for men to come forward.

“In 2017, 4,382 men took their own lives, an average of 12 per day” https://uk.news.yahoo.com/international-men-apos-day-2018-161404955.html

Suicide is not solely caused by someone being a victim of something, however, how many men out of the 12 per day may have been a victim of a crime? You honestly can’t say that it is solely due to mental health because if it was, I would say we have a health crisis on our hands! Let us be real here. An Average of 12 men per day took their own lives last year and yet gender equality seems only to cover female gender equality. This has to stop!

True Gender Equality can never EVER become a real possibility until both sides are equally represented it just can’t.

Now, this is a call out to all men and women alike, I am a survivor of Physical, Mental and sexual abuse. I know how hard it is to disclose and for certain things, there are people I can’t disclose to because of my history. I will however say, do not go it alone, I did for a long time and it did me no good. I had to figure out what I was going to do and had to do the hard work yourself. If you are being victimised please reach out to someone and disclose where you can. Even if you just ask for someone who is anonymous to help you find out your support please reach out. Even if you just reach out to me in a comment and ask me for my email address (it doesnt even have to be on this post to hide why, I will do what I can) Men you do not have to suffer alone in the darkness. 

 

#ThankYouForYourService

Hi,

 

My name is Suze Fricker and I am from London England. I apologise if I have already sent a letter similar to this to you before but I thought that I would double check what I am doing and resend out to all I can find.

 

In 2016 I started a Thank You campaign for uniformed services to include the following: Police, Military, Fire, Paramedics (EMTs), Life guards, Doctors and Nurses. This came out of my admiration for people who serve their communities, cities and countries in uniform. I know from personal experience due to health or phobias that none of these professions would be suitable for me and so I decided that I would make the effort to thank those who took up the calling.

 

You who serve in Uniform, no matter what it is do so, so that people like me, who cant serve, are not forced into situations they can not handle. You do so with bravery and courage and make many people feel safe or better for you being around. Despite the negativity that can surround the uniformed services you still go into work the next day and the day after and so on and so forth. You can see the best and worst that life and throw at someone and still find meaning and passion in everything that you do.

 

So to you, and everyone you serve with, I say Thank You For Your Service.

 

I would also ask you to let your families know my thanks as well. As Tom Selleck said in Blue Bloods, “Your Family serves just as much as you do”. Which is true. Behind those in uniform there are people who do amazing things including supporting you and being there through the rough times.

 

One day I hope to be able to thank as many people as I can in person as honestly you make me proud to be a citizen of this planet.

 

Stay safe, keep well and Thank You For Your Service.

 

Warmest Regards

 

 

 

 

Suze Fricker

 

p.s. I am sending this to the top people so that they can disseminate to all who work within. I am a lowly civil servant so I cant afford to send out to every single station etc.

Abuse, Fear, Trust and Anger

Due to some really hateful things that were said to me about my videos I have decided not to do them anymore.

So today I am going to talk about surviving abuse, fear, trust, and Anger. You might all think that fear trust and anger go part and parcel of fear, trust, and anger and that I will be making the same point repeatedly. In some cases it is true, they are linked but I am also going to talk about how they are different.

So let’s start with fear. Most people think fight or flight when they think about fear, some may even think about the freezing aspect. When you are a survivor of abuse, however, there is a 4 option and that is submission. When you start getting abused you deal with fight or flight or freeze but when it is prolonged like it has been for me you get into this state of submission. You stop fighting because that is the only way to survive. Flight, especially in some cases, is not possible and you certainly have not frozen. You choose to survive and that involves submission. It is not you giving in, it is you choosing to survive.

Whether it is verbal, emotional, physical or sexual you find yourself submitting to stay alive. You might think that verbal and emotional is easy to get away from because there is no one assaulting your body but it is just as hurtful as physical or sexual and is harder to identify. The reason for this is because there are no visible scars and so your abusers can shrug off the effects that they have caused you to others as, “their acting out” or that “they are lying”. This happened to me with the people my parents brought into our house. Their kids would sexually abuse me and when I would not do what they wanted they made me out to be this monster… Soon over time, no one believed anything I said so I had to submit in order to survive. I would, however, do what I could to keep my distance. I would try and force myself into school with a fever so that they would not be called to look after me while my parents were at work… The downside to this, however, is that my mum was an ex-nurse so she knew when I had to stay home from school. I would then get so clingy to my parents but still left with them. So submission was my only way to survive.

Trust is the next thing I want to talk to you about. It is a wonderful thing, however, victims of abuse never have that luxury. Whether it was my parents physically abusing me, family friends sexually abusing me or siblings emotionally abusing me, I learned that I could not trust anyone. This has followed me into my adult life and because of this, I have very few people that I would consider a friend. I just do not make friends easily and as such I find it hard to trust what peoples intentions are. This is because of the trust that I put in people who were supposed to protect me growing up ad they did not. You may think it is something to get over, but when you have lost trust in people you should not have lost trust in then it becomes very much so, a part of who you are. It informs your developing mind and makes it harder for you to trust anyone.

Anger for me is a very difficult one to deal with. I find that due to my history there are certain situations that bring real anger out of me. On a night out some guys tried to pull a friend down a dark alley and I nearly got myself arrested with my angry outburst. This is not something that is easy to fix. This is, especially in my situation where I still have to live with the people who caused a lot of problems for me growing up almost an impossible task. Honestly, though it is not the anger over what they did and allowed to happen to me that gets me angry anymore, it is the fact that I am stuck now due to people being unable and unwilling to help me.

Now finally onto the Abuse. NO ABUSE IS ACCEPTABLE. We, however, as a society, need to find a way to help people in a seriously complex situation out. There are people like me out there who cant access help because their situations are so complex that it does not fit into any one category. For people like me the only way out if to get help from someone and when no one is willing to listen or help, you feel alone and remain once again STUCK! Many survivors of abuse play it’s my fault game but how can a 6-year-old, being forced to learn what a 69ner is really been at fault? This has rocked my faith, my self-confidence, every relationship I have ever had and now when I am finally able to say I need help the authorities are putting me in a situation where I can’t get help because I am unable to report it for fear of both myself and someone else….

I am hoping someone out there with me being open and honest about my story will help me. Please see my Gofundme page entitled help me survive.  https://t.co/27kabyJJdN

The money is going to be used in the following ways:

  1. clear off all debts so that I can start off clean
  2. find somewhere to live that is suitable for my needs as well as financially viable
  3. Pay a few months in advance so if needed I can get benefits
  4. Change my name so my abusers will no longer be able to find me and I can cut ties with them completely.
  5. kit out my new place with the things I need to heal and grow stronger in myself.

If you can help me please please donate or even share with others.. I need help and no one is able to help me.