Why I am so Stressed

15/01/2020MyChaoticWorldLeave a Comment

So I have been sending some rather stressed messages on social media and now I need to explain why. Everything that I am going through at the moment costs money and now I need to get support in things that I need help with because I have been denied permission to get a service dog. So here is a list of things I need to pay for;

£1800 to pay off my abusers and be able to cut the strings so I no longer need to spend part of my week there 😦
£3000 to find a new place and pay first and last month’s rent where I will be allowed to apply and get a service dog.
£3000 to cover any possible damages at my current flat
£3000 to arrange for movers to pack up and move me
£10,000 to cover travel to and from London
£1560 to arrange for home care help for the cleaning that I am unable to do myself without the help of a service dog
£4000 to replace the furniture that I am in need of which includes a wardrobe, chest of drawers, bed as I do not have a wardrobe, my chest of drawers is broken and my bed is broken. I also need to find a bed that is easier for me to get in and out of.
£1000 for adaptions for my flat
£7000 to get myself out of the debt I got myself in so that I can finally start saving so that money could go towards supporting myself properly.
£5000 to take classes to learn to do things and get life skills to learn how to cook, properly manage my money, etc.

All of this is what I need to pay out for and I have nothing. How do I pay for this stuff with nothing? Who do I turn too? Who can help me? I need help and after months of trying to get help crowd funding I have finally given up. No one is going to help me. So now I have to struggle alone 😦 my walls are closing in and I wonder why I fight so hard. If I could I would just run away. But I can’t do that. I can’t just start again. I almost wish I was in a real witness protection programme that way I would get a new identity and could start again. But no one will help me.

Abuse victims are on our own.

Autistic abuse victims are on our own

depressed autistic abuse victims are on our own.

No one out there cares to help when we are in need. They don’t know what it’s like to be told your worthless so much that you believe it. To have your own family judge you not because of what you knowingly do but because of things you have no control over. To have the people who supposedly love you judge you because you were brave enough to say something is wrong and be proved right.

I am all alone.

My Witness Protection

12/01/2020MyChaoticWorldLeave a Comment

So we all know that every country has their own form of Witness Protection for those people who are either bad guys turning evidence or good guys testifying on something horrific that they have seen. We have seen it in the movies, on television shows, and heard about it from people.

It is something that we all know about and is almost like a boogyman story for those travelling to another country.

However, there is no such thing available for people who have suffered abuse so how do we survive when you break free from an abusive person?

I live now in what I call My Own Witness Protection.

The first thing I did was make sure that the person who caused the abuse, the one I can actually do something about, did not know where I lived. I moved somewhere that was so opposite to where I lived before that he would not think of looking for me here.

The second thing I did was resign myself to the fact there are going to be certain placed in the UK that I would never be able to work. This is because the risk of seeing the abuser would be too great. So when I am looking at jobs, I rule out those places immediately.

The third thing I did was change my number. He cant contact me if he does not have my number. On top of this I spent days making sure I had anonymity on my social media and looking to see if he had an account. If he did I would block him immediately. This step was also one of the hardest because it meant going through people I knew and cutting off contact with anyone who knew my ex and I did not trust. I think I kept one person who I could trust not to talk to my ex about me. This step again is hard because you have to regularly assess the danger any contact adding you may be to you and your personal safety. It can be lonely at times.

Lastly I am always vigilant when I am travelling to and from work. When at work I tell my office that if my ex turns up asking for me that they are to tell him I am not in. It is the only way to keep myself sane and safe.

I have not had any help doing this. I have done it all on my own. I wish I did have help or a way to you know make me 100% safe but that takes money and I don’t have it. So I will always have to remain in my witness protection.

The key thing that You always have to remember when you are making your witness protection is that you cant let it change who you are as a person. That is so important! Because if you let it change you then your abuser has won. He or she has successfully ruined your life because you are not the same person you were. Because of this I find ways to help people. Sometimes it involves big gestures and other times, its the small gestures. Like today, I went to get some shopping. There was a man with a cane behind me. I had a lot and he only had 3 things so I let him go ahead of me. Even though I was struggling being one handed he needed to go first. My ex will never take that away from me. I refuse to let him take my kindness from me, or take away my willingness to help others. I just refuse.

I will help anyone in need set up their own witness protection if they need it. If you do not know where to start message me and I will help you.

If you are going through abuse, you are not alone and you deserve better then what you are getting now.

I’ll be there

11/01/2020MyChaoticWorldLeave a Comment

When you are weak, I am there;
When you want to cry, I am there with a box of tissues;
When you can’t stand, I am there to hold you up
When you need help, I am there for you;
I will be there when you need me;
You never need to ask me for help;
You are a light in the dark;
You are strong of heart;
I will always be there for you to keep you shining;
I will be there to stop your heart from breaking;

You are there for me, so I am there for you;
Just remember, you never need to ask;

THIS IS ME

10/01/2020MyChaoticWorldLeave a Comment

I re-watched The Greatest Showman again tonight and again, like most people around the world I found an affinity with the movie and the songs. So, tonight I want to share my promise to myself I made after watching this inspirational movie again.

Every time I have had a new diagnosis I have always felt like I was defective. Why do I have depression? Why am I dyslexic? Why did my spine have to get crooked? But the opposit is true for my autism diagnosis. Before diagnosis I felt like I was defective. I did not understand why I was so different to everyone else especially when it came to reacting to things, or the trouble I got myself in during my WILD CHILD days.

I could not understand who I was but when I was diagnosed things came into perspective for me. It was like a weight was lifted off of my shoulders and I could say to the world THIS IS ME. However this has not been without trials and tribulations in itself.

I have faced hatred and ignorance because I come from a generation where girls were not autistic and this has come through from social media and people I have known for years and years (pre diagnosis). Because of the diagnosis I felt freedom and through these mean and horrid people I felt that I was being forced back into a box that stifled me for years.

When I watched the Greatest Showman and the song This is Me came on i honestly felt like I was going to cry especially with these lyrics;

But I won’t let them break me down to dust
I know that there’s a place for us
For we are glorious

When the sharpest words wanna cut me down
I’m gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out
I am brave, I am bruised
I am who I’m meant to be, this is me
Look out ’cause here I come
And I’m marching on to the beat I drum
I’m not scared to be seen
I make no apologies, this is me

So the promise I am making to myself is simply this. When those people who hate on me or show their ignorance because they think they know who I am and what I really feel like and go through each day try and put me back in that box. I will not let them. THIS IS ME

I am an Autistic,Dyslexic, who also has Depression and Spinal Problems.I risk meltdowns in public places when they are busy. I get over stimulated and go a bit Cray Cray until I do something to calm me. I have days when I don’t want to get out of bed, or days when I physically cant without crying. My spelling always needs to be spell checked and I take things very literally at times. But ladies and gents guess what? *THIS IS ME*** and if you don’t like it you know where the door is!

I urge everyone who is different to read this and take it on board. You are you, if you hide that from the world you are depriving people of an amazing gift of you. March to your own drum and do not apologize for it. You are who you are and anyone who wants to stifle that does not deserve your company.

Open Letter

08/01/202009/01/2020MyChaoticWorldLeave a Comment

A letter to the Prime Minister of Australia

Dear Scott,

I would call you Mr Prime Minister but I do not think you deserve it.

I would like to know why, you have not called for help with the bush fires? I know many people across the globe who would willingly jump on a plane to Australia to help with the fires yet you have failed to ask for help from the global community, why is this?

Instead of being there with your people, the people who elected you into office, during this crisis you decided to go on holiday. Are you kidding me? That move alone will bite you in the behind next time there is an election. The whole world sore you do it. So, why have you not asked for help?

Could it be that you are ashamed of how you have behaved? If this is the case, you should be ashamed. This is almost on par with Theresa May turning up after all the other politicians visited the survivors of Grenfell Tower.

How many people have to loose their lives before you actually ask for help? How many first responders and military personnel have to be irrevocably destroyed mentally before you act? These fires have gone on for so long that your people must be running on fumes and still you have not reached out to the global community.

You really need to start doing the job that you were paid to do and start looking after the good people of Australia before the fires engulf more parts of the country. Any further loss of life is on your head, your hands are bloody.

I am running a poll to see how many people would hop on a plane tomorrow to help if they didn’t have to worry about non-crisis issues such as visa’s, airfare and living costs and in 48 hours 321 people signed up and 319 people said they would go. People are dying to help your citizens out. Maybe its high time you start thinking about your citizens and less about your political career.

I implore you, see sense and ask for help!!

Yours Faithfully

Citizen of the world

My life

07/01/202009/01/2020MyChaoticWorldLeave a Comment

The Joys of Me

So over the weekend I did a post about disability advice. Well today I am going to say I hate being injured. When I reinjured my shoulders I had to go through a lot more pain now.

I now have to use a sling on which ever arm hurts the most. This is really starting to reek havoc on my day to day life.

I tried to do some shopping and honestly pushing a trolly around with one hand was a pain in the ass and very difficult to do.

However, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. When I went to the shops today a woman freaked out that she did not have any money for the trolly. I went into my purse and found I had an extra £1. I gave it to her.

When I was done shopping she had been waiting for me and tried to give it back to me. I told her to keep it. If she then found someone in need she should give it to them. She went and brought an envelope and put the £1 in it. She labelled it “for future help”.

This just shows that if you are having a rough day with your disabilities, there is always someone who may be in need. So when you get help, make sure that you pay it forward. It is pretty easy to forget in this day and age to forget to be nice. The smallest act of kindness can make the biggest difference. So make sure that you dont forget about it.

If you could help?

05/01/2020MyChaoticWorldLeave a Comment

Hi,

If you could help the Australian people by going there to support those who have lost their homes or the first responders would you?

If flights, VISAs, and maintenance were not an issue would you get on a flight now to help? I want to show the Australian Government how many people want to help them in their time of need. If, it is something that you would do, please complete the forms below.

https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLScaCa05_TCebt2A-zGPC3ELxcf4DY0KPL2rEifwc7tmY_7hew/viewform?usp=sf_link

I will use the responses to send to the Australian Government to show that there are people who want to help, they just have to ask for it and make it possible for people to help.