The world is broken.
I am not just talking about one country or another, I mean the world.
No matter where you go in the world there are people who are thrown to the dirt by society and treated less then they are. Where those of us who really try to be part of society even though they have to battle their own bodies to do it and we are ignored and subjected to cruelty.
I was scared to use public transport in London because when I really needed a seat because of my back I was left with comments such as “you do not need a seat, you need to lose weight” or “standing will fucking help you lose your fat, you fat bitch”. No matter what I tried people would be so cruel. I had a meltdown in the underground and I would get people kicking me because I got into a state that I had to stop and sit down. I even had people tell me that it was my fault that I had a meltdown and I should stop being selfish.
Across the world, we have veterans who fight for our freedoms who are discarded when they can no longer do their job. They give their minds, bodies, and souls for protection and when their mind breaks or their body breaks no one gives a fuck and they just look away when they see them on the street begging for our scraps. What’s worse is there are people out there who pretend to be homeless so that people lose faith in helping anyone who really needs it.
Because money is tight for me, I don’t give it up lightly but what I do do is buy a pack of smokes or food for people and sit and talk to them. I don’t have much but what I do have I will give no matter who you are, what country you’re in, what you believe in or what you look like.
We have a world where people who are supposed to give a shit just don’t and we are left to our own devices.
What can we do with this broken world?
I do it every day. I am nice to everyone I can be nice too. When I am able to help anyone even if it is a stranger I will and I will always do what I can to make the world a nicer place. The world is broken but I still believe in the goodness of people. It is inside all of you. You just have to do something about it.
I am invisible. I have been invisible since I was in school. Not one of the 3 primary schools and two secondary schools picked up on the fact that I was dyslexic. The medical society refused to recognize women with autism unless they were seriously on one end of the scale so we just got labeled problem children.
I am invisible. That’s why I can’t be seen by people.
The world is a scary place for me. I am trying very hard to live my life as someone who is a productive member of society but it can be difficult when it seems that everything is set up against you. When the world is apathetic to the people who do everything that they can to live life outside the image that is placed on them. When you look at people and they label you names such as #WelfareQueen etc and all you want to do is scream and say, “WHY CAN YOU NOT SEE HOW HARD I FIGHT?”
I am feeling this at the moment because of the lack of support I have had in my life. I do everything I can to get the world to see things my way however, it is a world that turns their back on me and kicks me to the dirt 100% of the time.
I turned 33 on Sunday and what I got for it was more debt to my family and no presents. I had to move because of a potential issue that could affect my wellbeing and no help or support from councils. Yet, do I still turn my head away? No. I always reach out to people to see if I am able to help. I do what I can to raise awareness on disability everywhere and yet the world tells me to get fucked.
All I have ever wanted to do since I realized that I was someone who got screwed over by being born in the decade I was when medical science was not where it should have been and so I got missed, is to make sure that when I leave this world I leave it a nicer place than when I found it. This can be very challenging at the best of time however I am trying to get sorted one person at a time.
Some times, however, my faith in my mission feels like a long shot. When I realize that there are people out there who just do not give a damn.
So, June 29, 2019, I finally moved out of my parents home. This is a major achievement for me. When I tried to move out previously I crashed and burned partly because I did not have support for my AUtism. I wasn’t even diagnosed at that point. So, the fact that I managed to move out is amazing.
I am still very scared about it as I don’t have certain things that I need for example I do not have a table and chairs to eat at, proper sofas, coffee table but I am getting there, I think.
The unpacking is a very long process for me and it is taking me a while to get everything sorted :S.
However, I have been doing things that I hadn’t done before. I found a commuter hub near me so when I am working from home, if I do not want to work on my own then I can just go two doors down and work in the commuter hub. I have found my local post office and my local doctors. My mum is keeping a room for me so that if I need a break and some mummy love to avoid me crashing and burning again, I will have somewhere to go. Also, she is letting me come and stay with them when I need to work longer than 1 day in the office so that it saves me on travel costs. I know the easy route to walk to the station and where the buses go.
I have yet to set up my autism support but that will come.
The sad part is that I do not have any birthday presents or cards this year and I had to move PDQ because I found out that my abusive ex is likely to move back to London and as such I did not want him knowing where I lived. At work, I had security persons to keep him away but at home not so much so I had to move pretty sharpish to feel safe. Honestly, though I choose the right place for me. I am happy with the place I have. It might be further out but you know what it is mine and I love it.
Through work, I joined the Leadership Academy Programme which I graduated from on Thursday. It was amazing!
There is something to be said for attending a course where it is a safe space and you can be open and honest about your disabilities. I found it really interesting and even though some parts of it were things I covered in my Business Administration Course, the majority fo it was things that I did not know. Even the trainer was able to be open and honest about his own disabilities.
I would recommend anyone with disabilities attending this course. Well worth it!
So, because I am due to move out again on my own for the first time properly on June 29th I am starting to get my anxiety levels spiking again. I know what happened when I tried before and it was basically a disaster. This time I will be truly out on my own and so my anxiety is starting to fly high again.
But what helps me keep things in check is remembering one simple thing. What I am worried about might happen but it might not. It is a perceived threat and not an actual threat. When people are trying to deal with anxiety the line between the two can get distorted so I have to keep reminding myself that something is a perceived threat.
So far I have not made it to a full autistic meltdown but other than that I am surviving.
I am just waiting on confirmation that I can move in on the 29th June. I am really looking forward to getting my own place even if it means my birthday will be spent on my own.
Its all good 😉
My own place 🙂